Unfortunate Dietary Requirements
by CasualGryphon
Summary: AU: Orochimaru is a bit more thorough. Mizuki is a lot more unlucky. Sarutobi's headaches are bigger. And Naruto is ALWAYS hungry. Elements of Tokyo Ghoul so expect brutality and rough language. "Murder time! Fun Time!" -Professor Genki
1. Chapter 1

Bitch I Eat People

 **A/N: Hello~ Hello~ ~Hello~~~! I am back and mostly because I can't get this idea out of my head! So for now Once Awake is on pause till this fleshes out and I fix up the previous fic. In the meantime this is done** ** _completely for fun_** **so flames won't do anything mostly because there's barely a 30% chance I'll bother to actually read the reviews. Either way it's honestly a pleasure to be back and without further adieu let's get going!**

 **Disclaimer: You think my wallet would be this empty if I owned either Naruto or Tokyo Ghoul? Yeah, no.**

 **Chapter 1: In Which Mizuki Fucks Up and Iruka is Traumatized**

Naruto stared blankly at Hiruzen, "Jiji…I know your old and never thought you were senile but now I realize it's because _YOU'RE COMPLETELY FUCKING DELUSIONAL!_ "

 **BONK!** "ITAI!"

Hiruzen sat back in his chair, chewing a lollipop because Hokage or no there would be no smoking in the hospital _especially_ after he dragged Tsunade back. God that was painful. And expensive. So. Fucking. Expensive.

"It is understandable you are distraught Naruto-" he ignored the aggressive muttering, "but watch your language and listen. As much as I wish this were a joke and I wish this was just the rambling of a doddering old fool it is no lie."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"So what? Now I eat people? That'll go over well! 'HI! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I like pranks, hanging out with friends, _and eating people!_ ' Sounds like the perfect way to **not** scare the living shit outta clients Jii-chan!"

Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose while simultaneously flaring his chakra to alert Tsunade.

 _'_ _I'm too old for this particular brand of shit.'_

 _Iruka stared in horror. Mizuki had gotten his hands on some sort of chakra suppression seal and while that was all well and good for keeping the Kyuubi at bay, it apparently did fuck all for the ridiculous interference the seal had on the Shiki Fujin. Iruka knew that the Uzumaki clan were exceptional and had a wealth of special talents and were also rumored to have had some_ _ **ridiculous**_ _Kekkei Genkai but he wasn't expecting anything remotely close to what he was seeing now._

 _Naruto, who had been subsequently stabbed after the seal application, rose more like a door on hinges rather than a person. He had looked briefly down at the Kunai in his chest (buried right where his heart should_ _ **no longer be beating**_ _) and yanked it out. He turned an emotionless visage on a terrified Mizuki, pulled the spent tag from his chest, and then vanished._

 _There was a wet squelch and Iruka turned to see that Mizuki had been disarmed. Literally. Naruto then vanished once more, and Mizuki's Fuuma Shuriken were sheathed in his neck while the young academy student watched on dispassionately. Iruka thought the horror would end after Naruto nearly decapitated Mizuki but apparently he was wrong. First, Naruto's eye turned black, the iris blood red, and a set of veins_ _ **burned**_ _with bloodlust extended straight out from pupil to temple and overlapped his cheeks. It was almost like the Byakugan. Except terrifying. Oh, right. Then he started_ eating _Mizuki._

 _Iruka sat shell shocked before blacking out. The last thing he heard was the crunch of bone and the ripping of flesh as his prized student ate his ex-teacher for a late night snack._

Hiruzen sighed heavily. So many secrets just blown wide open. So much dirty laundry aired when he wasn't prepared to deal with it. _Not enough time to just sit back and read his precious book and smoke his beloved pipe_. Naruto chose to ignore the crocodile tears streaming down the face of the most powerful man in the village and instead focused on getting an explanation.

"Oi! Ya old coot! Quit ya blubbering and friggin' explain already! I almost threw up eating regular food because I apparently _can't anymore_ and my last meal was a village traitor. I. Am. Hungry. Ttebayo! Get a move on before we discover whatever the hell this Kekkei Genkai does when I'm _actually_ in the mood to eat!"

Hiruzen winced once more and focused. Ugh with his luck Naruto would be a binge eater and everything would go even more sideways that it already had.

"Alright. Well starting out, I knew both your parents-" "YOU FUCKING WHAT?!" "-and kept them hidden for a very specific reason." Naruto seemed riotous but relented and made no move to keep yelling. "To put it plainly, if I hadn't kept quiet about your heritage you would either be dead already, kidnapped and used for breeding stock in a foreign nation, or being dissected for the secrets your blood holds." Naruto paled and Hiruzen took that as a sign to keep going, "Both of your parents were stupid powerful, stupid famous, and both of a pedigree that every single Kage to this day would be jealous of. They essentially make every other noble clan look like a bad joke rolled in shit"

' _Shit. If Jii-chan is swearing this ain't anything to fuck about with_ '

The Old Kage crunched harshly on his lollipop (It was cathartic dammnit!) and forged ahead, "Thankfully this bloodline had been recorded on your mother's side, and while she never awakened it her close cousin did and as such she kept a record just in case. Granted every Kekkei Genkai the clan had ever held were previously recorded, but that was lost when the country burned in the Second Great Shinobi War." Hiruzen idly chewed the candy that was stuck to his molars (it was gonna be a pain to get out) while Naruto digested the information.

"And my pops?"

 ** _$ ##%^ &! ^~!_** ' _Of course he'd ask_ '

Sarutobi sighed, "That would be Minato Namikaze, Fourth Hokage, Yellow Flash, and unconfirmed decendant of Tobirama Senju. And before I forget, your mother was Kushina Uzumaki, Red Death, last of the main branch of the Uzumaki, and decendant of Mito Uzumaki's Niece. Oh, right. In case you didn't know, Mito Uzumaki was the Shodaime's wife."

Naruto's eyes rolled up and he fell over in a dead faint. The Sandaime sighed. 'Where was Tsunade dammnit! She had better not be off guzzling sake! At least not without sharing the greedy brat!' Sarutobi grumbled the whole way to find his student. And probably get another lollipop.

Naruto was not happy with all this running. He was thankful that the ridiculous physical boost that came with his Kekkei Genkai at least meant he could roof and tree hop many times faster than was previously able to. Seriously though! Where the hell was this training ground and why the hell was this taking so long?

"Oy! Jii-chan, this place got a barrier on it?"

Hruzen glance back, "No. Why?" Naruto rolled his eyes and huffed, "Then we haven't used Shunshin to get there because ya actually are senile then? Yeesh! Next thing ya gonna tell me is that ya ain't been usin' Kage Bunshin to get paperwork done."

Naruto ended up having to back track because he'd not noticed when Hiruzen had stopped, turned to the trunk of the tree whose branch he was standing on, and rammed his head face first in the thick bark repeatedly. Proceeding to ignore Naruto's muttered comment about senile old men, he put a hand on the boys shoulder and Body Flickered to the reserved training ground.

"Oh! Baa-chan is here too! Hey Jiji, how'd ya manage to get the old bat away from her sake stash long enough? She lose another bet?"

 **CLONK!** "Oy! That hurt!" **BONK!**

"Che! Cheaky brats these days got no respect." Tsunade looked about as annoyed and exasperated as Hiruzen felt at the moment. Honestly, they really were friends but were the most stubborn pair of people he'd ever had to introduce to one another. Ignoring their bickering and the pebbles they'd taken to throwing at each other alongside the verbal barbs, the old Kage turned and welcomed the other two presences he'd requested.

"NEKO-ANEUE!" Yugao Uzuki was promptly tackled in a hug hard enough to force her back a step. That did nothing to quell the smile on the face hidden beneath the mask she wore, or the snuggling she returned full force to the blonde. Kakashi at her side chuckled softly and pat the boy on the head. Naruto held a fist out for him to bump before the Jinchuriki scampered up the taller ANBU's shoulders.

Naruto unwittingly mimicked the man's eye smile, "Yo Inu-Aniki. How ya been old man?"

Kakashi and Yugao both pulled their masks off and clipped them to their belt. Yugao saluted and Kakashi settled for a lazy wave.

"Maa Naru-tan," the blonde's nose wrinkled at the cutesy nickname, "It's been fine. Missions. Reading. Sleeping."

Naruto in turn rolled his eyes and front flipped off his shoulders to stand just in front of the two Jonin so he could address the real old man.

"So Jii-chan what's with everyone here? You said ya postponed team assignments while ya rooted out whatever went wrong to let Mizuki come through the Academy after serving that Ochitaru guy but never explained what ya need me for?"

Hiruzen chewed a lemon-lime lollipop (they were tasty sue him) before addressing the group as a whole.

"Naruto you have awakened a pretty dangerous bloodline. Your eating habits make you a direct threat to the populace of Konohagakure, and we only have a notebook of second hand observances. Quite frankly we know very little of your abilities and add to that _you_ have no control over it either. Tsunade is here to help put you back together. Kushina's journal mentioned the possible blade like aspects of this so called Kagune, so as a blade master and her only student Yugao, or Neko as you know her, is here to aid with that. Kakashi, Inu before he retired just recently, is one of our premier trackers and here to aid with your enhanced sense."

Naruto nodded, "Right makes sens- WHAT DO YOU MEAN PUT ME BACK TOGETHER?!"

Naruto's horror increased ten fold when Hiruzen hung his hat and cloak on a tree revealing _very_ familiar armor beneath the Hokage robes. ' _Shit. Shit fuck._ ' Then he summoned a large grey monkey. One he had come to know _too_ well. He turned and ran like hell itself was following him. Scratch that. Hell itself was following him.

"I am here because we are short on time and the best way for you to learn is to get some field experience. Besides I know how to hold back and with your enhanced healing, Tsunade at the ready, and Yugao's experience ensuring people's guts don't fall out you'll be fine!"

Naruto was too busy running to acknowledge, really pouring on the speed when Enma's Kongonyoi _evaporated_ the tree he'd just jumped from. A quick zig zag, some hastily spawned clones, and a replacement he got 15 feet between him and the old man. He turned and found Tsunade right in front of him, fist curled and hauled back, grin wide, and body tensed.

' _Ojii-chan if I survive this I'm getting revenge. If I don't I'm haunting you.'_

"Eat this." Naruto eyed the strange black/red mass floating in the preserving jar Tsunade had unsealed. Then he eyed Tsunade like she was insane.

The Medic sighed, "Look. Your mother's journal said ingesting the Kakuho of anyone with the same Kekkei Genkai would strengthen and improve your own _especially_ if it came from a relative. The Uzumaki were pragmatic in that way since they didn't have many that unlocked the Bloodline but at least stored the organs of those that did for any subsequent clansmen that inherited the genes. The Kakuja or 'Awakened Ones' apparently served as a real force to be reckoned with during the downfall of Uzushio. So just eat it! There is no way you'll ever come across another Kagune wielder that you can or want to kill just for a possibly meagre power boost. This was her cousins who in turn was the daughter of two other 'Shiva' or 'Asura' or 'Ghouls' or 'Hekatonkheires' or whatever ridiculous mythology fueled name they had for those that unlocked the bloodline. She was unique in her Dual Kagune and mixed with yours it will only prove more potent! Now eat the damn thing before I cram it down your throat!"

With a fist being shook threatingly at him and deciding this was the lesser of two evils (especially when he could see the old man snickering at him from the corner of his eye), Naruto grabbed the jar, pulled out the jelly mass of Kaku-whatever-the-fuck and took a hug chunk out of it. His eyes watered immediately. It tasted like 6 month old ramen that had been fermented in the rotted, shit filled intestines of fish that lived, ate, slept, and breathed in a cesspool. He barely managed to swallow before gagging and cramming the rest in his mouth. He ignored the full blown snickering between the Sannin and her Sensei as he fell to his knees and chewed as quickly as possible. Two desperate gulps later and he had ate the whole thing. Granted there was no guarantee for a power boost he decided the _first_ people he would test it on were those STILL. LAUGHING. AT. HIM! Fuck it. He'd deal with them right here, right now. At least until he was exhausted enough to forget the rancid taste he'd endured.

"Ah right! Kushina said her Aunt had eaten a rogue before and I quote, 'Tasted like someone marinated fresh cow shit with teriyaki sauce, mixed it with natto, and left it to bake in the sun. Then a bunch of animals came and trodded it into the dusty earth and took turns pissing and throwing up on it before one of them dragged a carcass over it and left it there for a week', so my bad! Guess I should've given you a heads up!"

There was a base rumble as Naruto's blood boiled and his chakra flared, "Oho~! It tasted even worse! So bad I wanna tear my tongue out and wipe my ass with it cause I'm sure it'll taste better than that wreck! But don't worry Tsu-hime! I'm so full of energy now thanks to your wonderful advice I can't wait to get back to training!" His eyes had gone full Kakugan, veins spread all the way down to his cheeks and temple, smiling quite maliciously. There was a rip as his Kagune spouted violently from his lower back and flailed with his agitation. The Purple cored, Red feathered 'tails' _pulsed_ with the sheer amount of chakra and RC Cells (a quick blood check at the hospital revealing everyone had them and they were an integral part of chakra generation, their amount and increase directly related to genetics and exercise) made them glow eerily.

"Tsu-koi," she shivered, Naruto only called her that when he was right pissed, maybe the joke was a little far? "Take responsibility for all this vitality."

He lunged, she blocked, Sarutobi hopped in, the Training Ground was reduced to even more rubble.

 **A/N: Well there you have it! Title doesn't match because I want** ** _some_** **class but yeah! It might not be the best fic in the end but this will be my first foray cross-overs and Tokyo Ghoul doesn't get the recognition it deserves so go read it! That's all really. What? Ask for Reviews? Nah. I'll leave that up to y'all. Oh! An before I forget, this had no beta so I'm doing the best I can by myself. Anything goes wrong or my grammar is wonky feel free to message. I'm Starting Chapter 3 and reviewing 2 right now so expect unorthodox updates. Now that's it fro sure, so I'm out to drink alcohol, cry about school, and be lonely! Peace!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: I'm Not Interested in Being Awake or Polite**

 **A/N: Hullo~ Hullo~! I am back with Chapter 2 and bruise cause my friends slapped me. Apparently reviews are good and I should read them so I will (mostly so I don't get slapped again) but maybe y'all will shoot some cool ideas my way or help me correct if ya think I missed something. Chapter 3 is really coming along and turning out to be a doozy. Right now it's coming up on 10K words so I might split it and do it as 2 chapters instead. Beyond that not much else.**

 **Edit: Sorry, but I had to delete this whole chapter and repost it because Fanfic did something strange and goofed the whole format. This is try 2 here's to hoping!**

 **Disclaimer: I cannot draw anything better than stick figures. This evidence means I own neither Naruto or Tokyo Ghoul do to lack of talent.**

"Speech"

' _Thought_ '

" ** _Technique_** "

Three weeks later, Uzumaki Naruto walked into Iruka's class room (Wow! They'd delayed pretty hard for him!). His orange jumpsuit had been swapped for a simple black hoodie with a crimson fur collar, a white undershirt with a red spiral design, loose fitting maroon almost black pants, black shinobi sandals, and a red belt. The few that paid attention could make out the bandages that wrapped his arms and legs between the gaps of clothing as it shifted, as well as the metal greaves and bracers underneath the long sleeves of his outfit. The blonde trekked right up the stairs, took the first seat that wouldn't be troublesome (next to Hinata who immediately blushed and began fidgeting), then flopped face first into the desk. He greeted no one and said nothing from there. Just laid face down and tried to catch some sleep.

 _'They're sadists!'_ , he decided, _'They're old and bored and have nothing better to do than torture me. Feh! Still got my licks in!'_

While Naruto continued his inner monologue about his great success against the sadist wrinkled hag and the sadist wrinkled coot, Shikamaru decided that this needed to be addressed.

"You know this classroom is only for those who passed. So why are you here…Naruto?"

Said blonde didn't bother to even raise his head, "Was the pause for dramatic effect or is it too troublesome to complete the whole sentence? Either way Shika, if this class is for those who became Genin and only Genin are allowed in here, why else would I be here?"

The class was surprised by the rather rough response, but Shikamaru knew better. There was the odd occasion when the blonde got irritated and would actually come across rude when he was just annoyed. Better question however was, 'What in the hell pissed Naruto off?'

"So you did end up passing."

Naruto deigned to look up at him through a squinted eye, "No, failed the Bunshin but earned my Hitai-ate outside of the Academy."

Raised eyebrows were everywhere, Kiba decided to actually ask the question since Shikamaru didn't seem to care anymore.

"And how'd ya do that Dead-Last?"

If Naruto cared about the blatant and poorly executed insult, it didn't show, "Tongued your mom till she squealed and did the same to your sister when she came looking." Kiba snarled. "Try asking nicely if you want answers instead of being a rude shit next time."

He laid his head back on the desk and almost groaned when the next person asked. He couldn't be rude though, Hinata was literally the nicest, most gentle and sweet girl he'd ever met. Too bad she was weird and fainted every time he talked to her. Like, what was up with that?

"Ano…Naruto-kun," she blushed and fidgeted more, how cute!, "H-H-How did you, um, you know? Get your headband and, um, become a genin? If it's not too much trouble! It's, um you-" she blushed even harder, "You-you seem tired is all! And I don't want to both- MEEP!"

Naruto grabbed her hands to stop her awkward rambling, "Yeah I'm tired but it's fine," he smiled sweetly at her, it was a soft small thing but every bit as warm as the sun, "Got it as a battlefield promotion but I can't say more than that, the rest is classified and only Iruka-sensei can tell you the rest or a Jonin that has clearance okay?"

Hinata made a mental note to ask her father before blacking out. _'HE HELD MY HAND!'_

Naruto deadpanned as the heiress clocked out. He sighed, "What a weirdo," everyone in the class seemed ready to tear strips from his hide but stopped when he let her down on the desk with his hoodie piled beneath her head, "but, it's not like I hate that-ttebayo."

Anything else that could have come up was cut short when the whole building started to shake. The sound of a stampede echoed up the halls of the Academy, anything not bolted to the floors was summarily juggled all over the place including Shikamaru who fell to the floor with a muted 'What a pain!'. Naruto on the other hand buried his face in his hands and sighed in consternation.

" ** _FIRST!_** " he had liked her why again? Maybe Tsunade made good on her words and actually pounded some sense into him. Whatever, wasn't worth it. Sleep now. Deal with fangirls later. Following through he promptly put his head back in his hands on the desk and went right out. Between some last minute Shadow Clone memories and the roughing up he'd took from Tsunade and Jii-chan the day before he needed the sleep.

Sasuke on the other hand was forced to bear the weight of both girls full force. Ino and Sakura continued to bicker and wrestle over Sasuke (who genuinely wished his brother had killed him too), their arguing, mud slinging, and slap fighting actually forced Sasuke to do something he never thought he would do. The whole class went quite when he stood up, walked out of the grip of both girls, and sat down in the aisle seat next to Naruto (who he was partial to right now if only because he _wasn't jabbering monkey!_ ), folded his hands in front of his mouth and resumed his quiet thinking.

Ino pouted and seemed fine with leaving it at that but Sakura was stubborn and leagues more annoying than her.

"NARUTO BAKA! MOVE!"

Silence was the answer. Actually that's a lie. The only response Sakura received was a quiet snore. There was genuine shock now. Naruto not being hyperactive and annoying? Happened fairly frequently. Naruto not picking a fight with Sasuke? Happened, just not as often. Naruto ignoring Sakura? That was something else.

"Alright," Choji said, eyeing the blonde amusedly, "Who are you and what have you done with Naruto?"

Naruto's muffled but deadpan retort was heard class-wide, "The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. At the sound of the tone please leave a message."

It started with a snicker, then a chuckle, and before anyone could realize the whole class was laughing at the expense of the pink haired girl. Ignored twice over and butt of the joke she went to swing at the idiot that'd embarrassed her but was cut short when Iruka popped in.

"Alright alright settle down class." The class did not settle. Sakura still looked like she was gonna lug Naruto before she found a seat, and Sasuke was smirking behind his fingers. Yeah that wasn't a good sign. His head inflated drastically and chakra flared in tandem.

"I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

Immediately all noise ceased and everyone was sat up straight and attentive. Well, almost everyone.

"HUH? WHO? WHAT? PRINCESS GALE'S PANTIES?!"

Iruka facepalmed and the class broke into snickers while the boy scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Ehehe~ Hey Iruka-sensei, do something new to your hair?"

Iruka's eye twitched dangerously before he exhaled and decided to move forward before he lost the class again. Shikamaru was already dangerously close sleeping again. So while Naruto reclaimed his hoodie from a blushing Hinata he outlined the dangers of the Shinobi world, their responsibilities, and of course what was expected of them as Genin. When he was sure everyone was properly engaged he started reading off the teams. When he got to Naruto he winced in sympathy for the blonde.

"Team 7 will be Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke under Jonin Hatake Kakashi."

There were twin dull _'clunks'_ as both boys' heads hit the desk in front of them, the visible aura of gloom seemed to weigh even heavier at Sakura's proclamation about True Love. Honestly had this girl even lifted a weight greater than 20 pounds in her life? Why wasn't that even something that was tested for and trained into Genin before Graduation? Ugh! Right. Civilian Council and all of their whining.

Iruka simply cleared his throat and finished the line-up.

"Remember. You are all officially Genin of Konoha so where your Hitai-ate with pride and above all," Iruka made sure to look every person in the eye, "come home safely. You are all loved and cared for," he pinned Naruto with his gaze and smile, "we don't want to bury any of you earlier than absolute necessary. Now go enjoy lunch! Your Jonin Senseis will pick up afterwards. Oh, and Team Seven? Take an _extra_ long lunch." He winked and left.

Naruto already knew what he meant and got up to leave. He was intercepted by two Jonin before he could make it out the door. The first was a knockout. The second made him gag.

"Team 8? You guys are with me, we'll be having lunch together to get to know one another." The red eyed beauty that was Yuuhi Kurenai stepped aside to let Asuma through, sharing a brief but respectful nod with Naruto who even threw in a friendly grin.

"Team 10? Y'all are with me," he was interrupted when Naruto swayed past and crushed the cigarette hanging from his lips between his fingers, Asuma Sarutobi rolled his eyes, "I got a table reserved at Yakiniku Q."

This left the varying other teams to split while Sakura tried frantically to find Sasuke, failing miserably because the Uchiha was already gone. Resigned to her defeat she spun ready to tell Naruto that there was no way she would ever date him only to realize that he had left long before the others. Standing there alone, Sakura wondered for the first time, if just _maybe_ she should've been nicer to Naruto.

Naruto sat happily at Ichiraku Ramen, not having any ramen ' _Bloodline fucking sucks-ttebayo!_ ' but instead was sipping diligently at a cup of coffee. One of the only things that contained a chemical even remotely similar in structure to _blah blah blah blah~_. Halfway through the mental self explanation the voice in his head became Tsunade's and then he got instantly bored of it.

"Naruto-kun!"

He sighed, there goes his peace and quiet

"Ino aren't you supped to be meeting up with your team."

Ayame promptly slapped him upside the head.

"Don't be so mean Naru-kun! Your friend came all this way to talk to you so be nice!" She turned a pleasant smile to Ino as she took a seat next to Naruto, "Welcome to Ichiraku Ramen! What can I get you?"

Ino only smiled, "Just some tea please. Naruto-kun is a little rough but means well. I _do_ have to meet with my team in a little bit so he was being nice and making sure I'm not late." She shot a smug look Naruto's way when Ayame left for the tea, resuming her innocent look when the waitress returned. She decided this was too much fun and happily pinched her fellow blonde's cheek, he grunted in surprise and annoyance, "He's a sweet heart even though he doesn't want to show it." Both she and Ayame cooed at the disgruntled look on his face. She finally relented when Ayame left to tend to the other customers, Ino's innocent visage was replaced with a devious one.

"Naru-kun eh?"

"Ino, whaddaya want. Ya see me sitting here? Quietly? Enjoying my drink?"

Ino questioned whether or not _Naruto_ of all people needed caffeine but decided to leave it be. He was right, she had interrupted him but that was another thing in itself, he wasn't being loud, he'd changed his clothes, hadn't said a word to Sakura or Sasuke, got a battlefield promotion but couldn't say anything about it.

Sliding a hand around his bicep she practically glued herself to Naruto's side, "Why don't you tell me what's got you down Naruto," his cheeks pinked and she resisted the urge to smile, "What happened to Iruka? Does it have to deal with your promotion? And what about Mizuki-sensei? Why haven't we seen him anywhere?"

She knew she'd hit the nail on the head but had also fucked up. Naruto went ridged, guzzled his coffee, slapped some bills down on the counter, and wrenched out of her grip.

"Classified. Ask your Sensei, that information is sensitive and they will decide whether you need to know or not." Before she could get another word edgewise he had turned through the flaps and vanished by the time she'd caught up. Ino was the Gossip Queen of Konoha dammnit! She'd figure this out even if she had to weedle Asuma till he cracked.

Three hours. _Three. Hours. **THREE FUCKING HOURS!**_

Haruno Sakura was frothing at the mouth, Uchiha Sasuke was irritated beyond belief. Their Sensei was late. Unbelievably late. To make matters worse Naruto wasn't there either.

 _'Why do I have to suffer this but Naruto Baka doesn't! It's not fair! No one, much less me or Sasuke should be made to wait this long! Oh when that lay bum gets here I'm gonna-'_

"Oh. You guys waited here the whole time? Wow, that must suck."

Sasuke twitched violently and Sakura's scream of incoherent rage went completely ignored as Naruto walked in with a strip of some sort of jerky between his teeth. He took a seat and idly munched it, watching the imminent melt down of the pink haired Howler Monkey.

"NARUTO YOU'RE LATE!"

His placid face turned to face her, eyes lidded and expression bland before his eyes curled into a distinct 'U' shape, "Hmm? Did you say something?"

"NA-RU-TO!"

The classroom door slid open and a man with silver hair held up by his head band tilted over his eye popped in. "Yo! My first impression of you three, I hate you." Sakura looked like someone drained all the color from her while Sasuke remained impassive. Naruto however fell over laughing his ass off, "Meet me on the roof in 5 minutes." He vanished in a Body Flicker. Sasuke stood and walked out the door while Sakura chased after him, her plaintive whines echoing down the hall. Naruto took a shortcut and swung out the window, then with two firm bounds caught hold of the railing on the edge of the building and slung himself up onto the roof. Taking a seat in front of Kakashi as he lounged against the railing reading his precious smut, Naruto rolled his eyes and pulled another strip of 'jerky' to nibble. He wouldn't get a proper meal till he went back to the Torture and Interrogation Division but this would tide him over.

It was then that the two stragglers came through the roof access, Sasuke raised a brow while Sakura gaped.

"Yo, what took ya so long?"

Sasuke ignored him and took a seat, Sakura gaped for a while longer before finally taking a seat at Naruto's side. She briefly shot him a look as he idly chewed his jerky but made no move to address him. With a muted clap Kakashi's book was shut and stowed.

"Now that we're all here let's get to know each other a little better? So likes, dislikes, hobbies, and dreams for the future."

There was silence before Sakura squinted at him, "Why don't you go first sensei? You seem really suspicious with that face mask and all, why not set us at ease and show us how it's done? Neh, sensei?"

Kakashi's eye curled into a familiar 'U' shape that caused both would be teammates to eye the blonde sitting silently between them.

"Well, my name is Hatake Kakshi. Likes…Hmm. Got a few of those. Dislikes? Not too many really. Hobbies? Too mature for a couple of brats like you. Dreams for the Future? Haven't thought about it yet. There! Now you can go!"

' _All we learned was his name_ ' Sasuke and Sakura decided to ignore their blonde teammate's snickering.

"Fine then! Don't tell us!" in a fit of maturity Sakura stuck her tongue out at him, "My name is Haruno Sakura! Things I like- I mean who I like is- KYAA~" Kakashi, Naruto, and Sasuke shared a deadpan look, "I don't like Ino-buta and NARUOT-BAKA!" "It's fine you're ugly anyway." "WHAT'D YOU SAY?!" "Ignore him and keep going please."

Kakashi and Sasuke tuned out Naruto's snickering with the ease of practise, Sakura still seethed, "Fine! My hobbies I guess are reading, and dreams for the future?" she glanced at Sasuke. "Huehuehuehuehuehue~" Sasuke paled at the perverted laughter coming from the pink haired girl. While Kakashi only sighed inwardly, Naruto was wheezing on the ground. His breath was coming shorter, fist pounding on the ground, "STOP! STOP PLEASE! SWEETKAMICAN'TBREATHE!"

"Naruto if you could please?" there was only more wheezing laughter and kicking legs. He sighed again, honestly kids these days.

"I'm good~ I'm good~ Sasuke I do hope you lock your doors properly man," Sasuke shivered, "Welp, name's Uzumaki Naruto. Likes? Stuff. Dislikes? Things. Hobbies? Gardening. Dreams? Little bit of stuff, couple of things too." His smirk was absolutely shit eating, but Kakashi couldn't resist, "What kind of stuff do you like?" Naruto's grin got impossibly wider and even more shit eating, "Things." H said definitively. Kakashi eye-smiled in response. "Any specific kind of things?" cue snickering, "Stuff."

Kakshi chortled while Sasuke gave a huff and Sakura buried her face in her hands. Naruto continued to snicker.

"Alright then. Prince of Darkness it's your turn." Sasuke scowled and Naruto went backwards with laughter for the second time in as many minutes.

"Hn. My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like many things. Dislike many things. Hobbies are a waste of training time. I don't have a dream, I have an Ambition. I will become strong, and I _will_ kill a certain man."

There was silence. Well relatively. They all ignored Sakura's, 'SO COOL!' and moved on.

"Well. With that out of the way. I have some bad news. None of you are Genin yet."

Instant focus from the extras- I mean Uchiha and Haruno,

"To be perfectly clear, the test administered in the Academy was an absolute last measurement to make sure you know the basics of the basics well enough not to trip of your feet and fall on your own kunai." Sakura gulped at that, "The next test is administered to every single prospective team by their respective Jonin Sensei to ensure that you will live long enough to have regrets of your own before kicking the bucket. For mine in particular we'll be doing a survival exercise." There was echoing silence, "Oh I know what you're thinking! 'But sensei! We did survival exercises all the time in the Academy! What could possibly be so different?!' Well my cute possible students, this test has a 66% fail rate meaning at least 2/3rds of the prospective teams will be inevitably sent back." That drew attention, except Naruto, he'd had some harsh lessons in recent times. "Anyway," he handed them all a paper, "these are the details, don't be late and don't eat breakfast," there was an ominous air around the Jonin, "You'll end up throwing your guts up." He was gone in a swirl of leaves.

Sasuke was up next and ready to take off, "Ignore that last order. Fill up, you'll be dead on your feet without the nutrition. Go to bed extra early if you really want to be there for 5 in morning but I'd recommend showing up at 8 cause we know he'll be late."

Sasuke had stopped and listened till the end before moving off, "Don't weigh me down, Dead-Last."

Then he was gone. Whatever Sakura wanted to say was lost in the wind. She rounded on Naruto instead, "And what makes you think we should listen to _you_ instead of Sensei? Sasuke said it right _Dead-Last_ so what makes you think you can just order us around?"

Her superior look didn't last long, "Common Sense, though in your case, maybe not so common." With that, the blonde vaulted the roof railing and was gone from sight by the time she made to look over the edge of the building. Should she really disobey Sensei? But was he _really_ their Sensei yet when they hadn't passed his test? Was Naruto right? It did sound like a horrible idea to take off on what was essentially going to be rigorous training without a decent meal but coming from Naruto made her doubt it.

Then again…maybe a light meal wouldn't hurt so much.

True to form, Kakashi was late as hell. Showing up at 8 A.M, a full 3 hours late, he expected some annoyed Genin. What he got instead was Naruto and Sasuke each asleep on a branch while Sakura read placidly beneath the both of them. Naruto opened a single eye, "Ya late ossan."

Kakashi's brow twitched, "Maa Maa Naru-kun! I'm only 26!"

The blonde scoffed, "A full head a grey hair says otherwise. Oy, ya impotent yet?"

Naruto's smarm was the last thing he needed to deal with today, though he took Sasuke's hidden amusement and Sakura's audible giggling to be a sign that maybe the team wasn't hopeless.

"No point wasting time since everyone is bright eyed and bushy tailed, let's get started then." Kakashi pulled out an alarm clock and 2 little silver bells that chimed pleasantly, "You have till noon to take one of these bells from me. Whoever doesn't, will be tied to these post and I will happily eat lunch in front of you." There was no grumbling about hunger. His brow twitched as Naruto's smirk grew, "You all ate breakfast didn't you."

Sakura smiled pleasantly, "I skipped dinner and was too hungry to skip breakfast this morning."

Sasuke just grunted.

Naruto just smirked cheekily, "I'm menstruating and caved to my cravings."

Kakashi and Sasuke choked while Sakura fell over. Kakashi was on the road to a permanent tic, "Let's get started before Naruto says something that really gives me grey hairs. You have till noon. And remember come at me with the intent to kill, otherwise you won't make it very far."

Sakura looked a little worried, "But Sensei! We could really hurt you!"

Kakashi eye smiled but Naruto over-road whatever he was about to say with a scoff, "Sakura if a _single_ Genin could injure him, he wouldn't be much of an elite Jonin ya know? Now maybe if it were more than _one_ that might work out but otherwise not much hope for a fresh Academy student." Kakashi squinted at the blonde who couldn't hide the victorious glint in his eyes. Sakura looked contemplative while Sasuke looked skeptical about it but at least considering.

"Just remember at best only two of you will pass! Better make your moves count! Oh, and the time started 5 minutes ago."

Sasuke and Sakura vanished while Naruto limbered up in front of him.

"Compared to the other two you're a bit of a weirdo."

"Can it Inu-tan," Kakashi's twitch returned with a vengeance, "After the constant _extended_ three weeks of exertion between Baa-chan, Ojii-chan, and the Shadow Clones split between you and Neko I'm used to intense workouts first thing. I'm a bit more energetic than usual cause this morning was a bore. Try ta keep up for a bit before I go grab the Emo and the Banshee."

Kakashi hid it well, but sweat was gathering on the back of his neck. Three weeks wasn't a lot of time but there were a few things to take into consideration. One, Naruto was a kinesthetic learner. Two, between the four instructors it was _do_ or _suffer_ so it came to reason that Naruto was forced to learn fast. Three, Kage Bunshin was ridiculously hacks and Naruto could spam them like they were going out of style. Four, he apparently excelled at lateral thinking and quickly discovered that a few overloaded clones learned far more and far _better_ than a large mass of overlapping and hyper similar memories. Finally, he still was pissed about the shit they'd pulled when they were alone and he had quite loudly sworn vengeance. Tsunade's sake was replaced with orange juice (' _Vitamin C is good for your wrinkles Baa-chan!'_ ), Hiruzen's pipe was replaced with a bubble blower and his tobacco swapped with mint leaves ( _'Smoking is bad for ya old man! Mint will help soothe ya throat don'tcha know!'_ ), Yugao had drawn her sword one day and found it replaced with a massive length of salami ( _'Ojii-chan said you were in desperate need of some sausage so I figured I'd oblige! Do tell me if it's too much neh?'_ ), and now apparently it was his turn.

"Hey Kakashi," Naruto's smile was sweet enough to give a honey bee diabetes, "Hope ya wore the brown pants!"

' _Fuck, shoulda wrote my Will before this!'_

Naruto's taijutsu had no style to it. Instead, every move he made was an attack or a set up for one. Rolls, flips, dodges, counters, retreats, assaults, jumps, terrain, _everything_ was being thrown at Kakashi.

A blocked One-Two Combo turned into a low sweep into rising back kick. The kick was caught beneath Kakshi's chin before he was forced away, the second leg almost brushing his nose before Naruto launched into a back flip from hand stand. He barely got his arms up in time to catch the twin hammer drop the boy twisted into. A quick somersault and Naruto managed to brush his fingers on the bells as he rolled down Kakashi's back. Quick thinking and even quicker reflexes let him catch the elbow his teacher threw back at him, using it as a spring board to clear distance between them.

Kakashi narrowed his eye, "Lesson One: Taijutsu."

He and Naruto both exchanged a Seal of Confrontation then lunged once more.

Sasuke and Sakura were watching this completely rattled. All of the movements were things that they expected from Naruto. Unpredictable and Flashy but they were not wasted and had an unmistakable _rhythm_ and flow. While not seamless, Kakashi blocking and redirecting most blows a few slipped through. Though he did make sure to pay Naruto in kind for them. Serious or not, Naruto was pressing their teacher pretty well with only hand to hand, far better than either of the expected.

Sasuke grit his teeth ' _What happened to polish all of Naruto's reckless charges and blind flailing into something that actually focused his random bullshit into **this**?!' _he couldn't just sit there and watch. The next break in combat between the two had shuriken sailing from his fingers with lethal accuracy. Kakashi afforded them a glance before drawing a kunai and deflecting them off to Naruto and parrying those that were angled too well for a proper redirection. Naruto however smirked and charged, sliding beneath the impromptu assault and kicking once more at the Jonin's legs. Kakashi stepped away and shot a kick right back. Naruto planted his sole on it and used the force to push him away. A quick flip and he was back to his feet, hands held in the Snake seal. One second he was there, the next a familiar Shuriken took his place. Kakashi Turned just in time to catch a haymaker that pulled a hidden wince from him, he took a step back making the following uppercut miss and was surprised when Naruto spun off his back foot into a lunging elbow jab. One hand caught the elbow, the other drove a fist towards the blonde's face. The blow was ducked and the freehand driven towards the base of his Diaphram. Kakashi slid back, no doubt in his mind that had he tried to spin away Naruto would've buried his knuckles into his floating ribs instead. Naruto's arms folded out, right foot forward, body tilted, leading hand an open palm and hidden left a chambered fist.

Kakashi however smirked, "Lesson Two: Ninjutsu."

He vanished in a puff of smoke at the same moment two hands seized Naruto's ankles and dragged him underground. Kakashi rose out of the ground in front of Naruto, a familiar orange book in hand, " ** _Doton: Shinjuu Zanshu_**." He was expecting some more annoyed commentary and a smart aleck reply but all he got was squinted eyes.

"Aw! And I thought I was being original!" One 'Poof!' later and there was an empty hole in the ground. Kakashi's lone eye widened, ' _Fuck! I Underestimated him!_ '

" ** _Konohagakure Hiden Taijutsu Ogi: Sennen Goroshi!_** "

 **POKE!** "KYYAAAAAAAAAAAA~!"

Sasuke and Sakura both face planted as Naruto drove a chakra enhanced poke up their Sensei's bum. Thousand Years of Embarrassment would be more fitting, especially after the girlish shriek that had left Kakashi's mouth. To be fair though, perhaps he deserved something like that after letting _Naruto_ of all people get behind him.

"Yo, Sasuke!" The black haired boy jumped almost a foot, Naruto however ignored the rapid switch of his gaze between the Him in the clearing wheezing on the ground with laughter and the current Him talking to the boy right now. "Just a clone Mr. Personality," the Uchiha grunted, "the Boss wants me to lead you to a meeting point where we'll group up with Sakura and take him down. You've been watching and we both know you're leagues better in Taijutsu than I am but you saw how casually he handled me. I don't think we'll pass this on our own so let's team up yeah?"

Sasuke only squinted at him, "You expect me to believe that Dobe? After what I just saw it's more believable that you're Kakashi under Henge."

The Clone rolled it's eyes, "Fine, back in the second year of the academy I filled a tomato with red dye and turned ya teeth pink for a week when you bit into it. It is also how I found out about your nigh obsessive love of tomatoes which inspired my Oiroke Jutsu: Tomato Edition. Which you saw then fainted."

Sasuke grimaced. Right, only Naruto had been there to witness that embarrassment.

"Fine, you at least seem like you're worth something. A two man team with you _might_ not be a complete waste."

The Clone shook it's head and sighed, "Sasuke. Sakura might be an egotistical fangirl but we need every advantage we can get, even if it's to use her as a distraction. I wasn't joking when I said he was an Elite Jonin and I'm not joking about Sakura being useful for something. We don't _want_ to do this as a team Teme. If it were up to you, you'd apprentice beneath the man and leave the rest of us to dry and I can't blame you for that but that's just not _realistic_. I hate to say this but you are talented Sasuke, but not Ex-ANBU talented. We don't want to do this as a team, we _need_ to do this as a team."

Sasuke was quiet. Naruto…wasn't wrong. He thought neither the blonde nor the banshee were worth giving the time of day, much less working with but this was strange. Naruto had pushed Kakashi and granted the man had obviously underestimated the Dobe he was still caught off guard by the boy's unorthodox maneuvering.

"Who are you and what have you done with Uzumaki 'Knucklehead' Naruto?"

Naruto rolled his eyes but couldn't hide a smirk, "He had a troublesome day, a change of diet, and his head forcibly removed from his ass. Now come on. The less time I spend here the more time I can spend at home tryin' to clean the spiritual filth I accumulated complimenting you. Maybe throw up a bit and cry myself to sleep having to acknowledge you for anything other than ya bad attitude and worse breath."

The Uchiha frowned and checked his breath as the clone turned his back to lead to whatever meeting place Naruto had devised.

It turned it's head and smirked, "Made ya look." The Uchiha scoffed

It was five minutes of running later that Sasuke realised that the clone he was following was solid.

' _Now how did that happen?_ '

"SASUKE-KUN~~~" Sasuke threw-up in his mouth a little, "TELL NARUTO BAKA TO BUZZ OFF AND STOP GETTING IN THE WAY OF OUR LOVE!"

All three Narutos (2 clones and the original) all gave Sasuke a pitying/smug look. Sasuke could read the unspoken message therein. 'You poor bastard I feel sorry for you but the day this stops being funny is the day the Rikudo Sennin dresses in drag and pole dances.' It was a very specific look and could mean nothing other than that.

"Hn."

"As much as I would _love_ to leave you to explore each other's nubile young bodies", Sasuke gagged while Sakura unleashed a perverse line of 'Hue's', "None of us have any hope of getting a bell much less not getting stomped into the ground by someone who served in the Third Great Shinobi War." The silence was heavy, "Good, ya understand I ain't goofin' about when I say we got a snowball's chance in hell against this guy by ourselves. Now then, let's make one thing clear. I genuinely dislike you both and you both dislike me so understand I like this as much as either of. Please consider I want to pass so we'll get the bells and squabble over who has one after we're sure at _least_ one of us will pass yeah?"

There were no objections, "Perfect. That said, Sasuke you and Sakura make a plan cause I am shit at not spur of the moment responses."

The other two sweat dropped. Sakura eyed him, "Then what was that with Sensei before? You managed to really push him and even land a hit with that _stupid technique of yours!_ "

Naruto nodded calmly then lashed out with a punch that stopped short of Sakura's nose. It didn't stop her from ducking none-the-less, "What was that for baka?!"

"Did you think about that."

"…What?"

"About ducking" he continued, "I lashed out and you ducked. Why?"

Sakura stared at him like he was an idiot. Oh wait, he was an idiot. "It's instinct! Common sense moron!"

Naruto only nodded, "Exactly. I have no formal Kata or Style or Training. I have reflex and Response. Instinct. Standard things like 'plans' and 'strategy' are wasted on me entirely. Lateral Thinking is another thing entirely but I still work best on instinctual response. It's not something ya can teach or explain ya know?" The Genin hopefuls conceded that point. And with that acknowledgement, Naruto admitted that outside of some ridiculous techniques and an apparent instinctual proficiency with hand-to-hand and traps he was out. That left range to Sasuke, and book smarts to Sakura. Strength/Instinct, Talent/Decisiveness, and Intelligence/Passion. The Genin began to plot

 **oooOOOoOOOooo**

Kakshi had lost sight of his potential students. Henged Kage Bunshin ran around like mad, throwing off trails, scents, and chakra signatures completely muddling his ability to track his students. Between Sakura's too low chakra presence, Sasuke's well controlled well hidden presence, and Naruto's over abundant one Kakashi couldn't get on a signature that was not Naruto's since his clones and his chakra were spread everywhere. So he waited. Reading his precious.

At least until Sakura was flung at him at record speeds.

" **SHANNARO!** "

Kakashi's hasty block showed exactly how unprepared he was. Mostly because he underestimated Sakura's natural strength (which was 'Gorilla like' according to Naruto), but also because he skidded right back into a **_Gokakyu_** from Sasuke. His **_Kawarimi_** landed in the middle of a steel wire web that Naruto set up (That Log had been too obvious!) which reached for him. A quick **_Dochu Eigyo_** and he was safe, but completely forgot about Naruto's new and crazy enhanced strength (amplified because he had unwittingly picked up a bastardized form of Tsunade's enhanced strength since she had _beaten_ it into him) and found the world around him quaking.

Bursting out of the ground, one of the disrupted shards of earth was switched with Sasuke who launched the mother of all Round Houses at his teacher. It was blocked along with the follow up kick, then a raised knee halted the punch he threw from upside down. Kakshi forcibly pushed the boy away when his free hand came dangerously close to the bells. His narrowed vision missed when Sakura replaced some more rubble ' _These kids and their ridiculous replaements!_ ', he sensed the blow coming for his kidney rather than saw it. Their exchange was fast and he was forced to jump over her when Naruto flattened where he'd been standing and the surrounding few feet with an axe kick. Naruto spun, firing a brace of Shuriken then caught Sasuke's arm before a second spin sent him skyward. He lunged soon after and Sakura replaced herself behind him with the same pebble she'd used to engage him in the first place.

Kakashi ducked through the shuriken brace to deal with Naruto and was scared to hell when steel wire glinted around him. ' _Shuriken manipulation?! That's an Uchiha- Oh no_ '

The Henge released and Sasuke shot his sensei a smug look, The Sakura behind him turning out to be a standard Bunshin _that he dismissed out of hand because Sakura was the weakest of the three_. The real her rushing out from where she was hidden in the tree line as the shuriken formed the net around him which left…Naruto, the team powerhouse in the air above him. A risked glance showed the boy already had both hands clenched above his head in a hammer blow. The world slowed.

' _Assess the situation._ **Kawarimi** _inviable, shuriken and wires too close. Can't wait to be captured and then Rope Escape, Naruto and Sakura will mush me into paste more-so the first than the latter. Rushing Sasuke would be the best option **but the sneaky bastard laid explosive tags and makibishi spikes between us**. Options left? Get **serious**._'

It happened in a split second. Sasuke was suddenly tangled in his own wires, Naruto's face ate dirt at hyper speed, and Sakura caught blow to the guts that folded her like a house of cards. At that moment the bell rung. Sasuke cursing, Sakura heaving as she hung over the Jonin's fist, and Naruto snarling as he dug his face out of the ground and reset his broken nose with a smart 'Snap!'.

"You guys" dread grew in the Genins' guts. Kakashi eye-smiled, "Pass."

All three sagged in relief. There was silence as Kakashi set them up against the posts, well everyone except for Naruto who managed on his own.

"You three are the first in a very long line of _very stupid_ people to pass my test. Do you know why?" Heads were shaken. "You worked together." Sasuke and Sakura were dumbstruck, Naruto only nodded. It made sense after all.

"Every single team I've ever tested before you guys has been 1 of 4 things. Arrogant, Naïve, Obstinate, or some terrible combination of the three. Every single one of the them divided and tried to do it on their own. That was Arrogance at it's finest. They believed that a single Genin, unrested and hungry would have even the shadow of a chance at beating a Jonin. Naivety to an unhealthy degree. When they failed on their own, not one figured to try and help their would be teammates. Or if offered, declined the help that would come with multiple avenues of attack, even after having failed and witnessing others fail. Obstinance and inflexibility kill. Thus, they failed miserably. Some went back to the Academy and came out better for it. Some quit altogether or flunked out because they were incapable of learning. Others were too proud and died young from their own stupidity or because they refused to work together, killing them and sometimes their teammates."

Kakashi took a minute to let that sink in. Sasuke was conflicted as expected while Sakura was shaken horribly. Naruto knew this already so had no reaction beyond a reaffirmation that he wouldn't forget anytime soon.

"Konoha squads are built on teams of three because the sum of parts is _always_ greater than the whole. The Sannin weren't just individually powerful but also worked incredibly well together. Tsunade's monumental strength, Orochimaru's brilliance, and Jiraiya's ingenuity makes each one beyond S-Rank. Together however? They effectively constitute a force so powerful they earned the nickname _'Army Killer'_ because all three in tandem can match a Bijuu and have strength left to fight a Kage." Kakashi led them over to a massive obsidian obelisk, formed in the vague shape of a Kunai, "My teammates names are inscribed here because I was once all three of those things, and for it they died. I can only visit them here, because we couldn't even recover their bodies from the war. The one thing I came out of that war with besides a lifetime of trauma and a Jonin rank was my best friend's motto", Kakshi's gaze weighed on them like the Hokage Monument itself was sitting on their shoulders, "Those who break the rules are scum, true. Those that abandon their comrades, on the other hand, are less than scum."

They walked back to the clearing where Kakashi handed out lunch, "I heard Naruto's speech, you might not want to work together but you do need to do so" the Genin winced, Kakashi had heard everything without them even realising he had left the clearing, "This however means that I can train you legitimately instead of putting you lot through several demeaning team exercises meant to force you to work together because you were being annoyingly stupid brats hell bent on dying six paces past the village gates" Kakashi's eye smile was positively menacing, "So let me ask just in case. You all **_will_** work together right?" The nods were frantic and frenetic, "Good. I'd hate to have to bring you back to Konoha in a matchbox. We starting training the day after tomorrow. I have to inform Hokage-sama of your success. Same place, 9 A.M sharp. You've proved you're not a waste of my time, this training will be to prove you're not a waste of talent. Brace yourselves, I won't be very gentle."

With that, Kakashi vanished in a Shunshin.

They all finished their food, save Sakura who had only nibbled at hers. Sasuke left first while Naruto held Sakura back when he had rejected her offer of a date.

"What do you want Naruto? You've been good so far but if you ask me on a date so help me!" Her fist waved menacingly while Naruto just held his hands up in surrender. When the threat of violence was retracted he pocketed his hands and gave the girl a lazy look.

"I'll be frank Sakura" the girl raised an eyebrow, "Your body condition is atrocious."

Sakura was taken aback by the blunt and offensive statement, "You have no muscle mass, no stamina, solid strength, but nothing really battle oriented. You focus too much on your hair and 'figure'" here he gave air quotes, "when really you're workin' backwards from where you want ta be. Sensei said it in less words but the jist is there, wake the fuck up kiddo we're about to march out into a world of brutal murder, torture, rape, and theft. We. Are. Soldiers. There is no time for doing our nails and hair. No time to be picky about when and what we eat anymore. We eat to fill our stomachs and build muscle. We dress so we don't trip on our sleeves or provide unnecessary handholds, and ensure that our hair _isn't_ the perfect handle to get our throats slit with. Ya get me?" Sakura really couldn't respond, she was pale and shivering. She'd never seen Naruto like this. Focused. Intense. _Serious beyond words_. "I'll take that as a yes. From now on that crush of yours? _It does not make the priority list_. Your will have three objectives instead. Stay Alive. Become Strong. Complete the mission. _In that order_. You're a Kunoichi, our childhood stops now. Right here. Not after the first mission. Not after our first team lunch or training session. Right. _Fucking._ Here. Otherwise you won't live to regret it."

Naruto didn't even wait for a response. He walked past the stunned girl and out of the clearing. Sakura left soon after, really thinking for once about what the hell she'd gotten herself into.

Kakashi who had been watching let out a low whistle of appreciation. If that doesn't set her straight, then hopefully it would at least get her kickstarted on the right path before something drastic did it instead. Like getting stabbed.

 **A/N: And that's that. Outside of a Jutsu Library I won't be doing much in the end note besides a prediction of the next update. Characters will be OOC I realize so heads up I guess? Ah Yes before I forget. How's this going? Like? Dislike? Threw up in your mouth a little? Lemme know.**

 **Jutsu Vault:**

 **_Kawarimi_ : Replacement Technique: **Allows user to dodge blows by swapping places with a Log (Praise be to Log for it shall answer your call and deliver you to safety by its own sacrifice. Amen)

 **_Doton: Shinju Zanshuu_ : Double Suicide Decapitation: **User sinks beneath the ground and travels beneath their opponent before dragging them beneath the surface to immobilize them.

 **_Konohagakure Hiden Taijutsu Ogi: Sennen Goroshi_ : Village Hidden in the Leaves Hand to Hand Secret Ultimate Technique 1,000 Years of Death: **Instantly embarrass your opponents by driving two fingers up their brown and launch them with a high power chakra enema. Don't expect your victim to sit straight after this.

 **_Doton: Dochu Eigyo_ : Underground Projection Fish: **Turns the ground around you into a nigh liquid consistency, allowing escape, concealment, and transportation.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: That's Not How You Pick Up Pussy**

 **A/N: Hello Hello~ I was planning on releasing this later but someone tried to roast me in a review (while remaining Anon, shows how much balls you have) and decided this needed to be said. So I don't particularly remember all of it but he said that the progression of Naruto's strength was off and that the story made no effort to be serious and that the person who wrote it and the people who read it are retarded. So let's break it down:**

 **1.)** **I said this story was for fun. It is not meant to be taken seriously. 'Grats on your lack of attention to detail or lack of capacity to read.**

 **2.)** **This is a crossover with Tokyo Ghoul so let's do some examination. Ghouls are stupid strong and hella resilient. Kaneki is basically a Ghoul for like 6 months and he can pull the whole speed vanish on pure physical force because Kakuja. Naruto is a Kakuja in case you failed to pick that up. Add Chakra enhancement to the mix, now this will the hard part for you, and _put the pieces together using your brain to think it through_. **

**3.)** **I might have ADHD so I type and think about a 100 thoughts a minute and they don't necessarily make sense all the time till I edit over but once more, since you missed it despite being the first lines in this fic and well _bolded_ for emphasis. This is _purely_ for fun. It does not need to make sense. It only needs to entertain.**

 **4.)** **Don't make fun of the mentally impaired, they can't help it what they don't know or can't process. You are willfully being ignorant as well as mean-spirited. Since I'm not sure you can understand that what with your failure to read I'll put it simpler terms. _You're an ass for no reason and your words mean nothing to me._ Do some reading. Try and think things through properly before hiding behind your keyboard and verbally vomiting your vitriol on my feel good work.**

 **Last thing, I write this for enjoyment and entertainment. If you are doing neither, leave. If you remain reading this story just to spew literary filth and be a gratuitous cunt Imma borrow some words from One-Punch Man, 'Somebody's got too much time on their hands.'**

 **Rant over. TLDR: Flame if you want but if they have no premise they will be deleted and I will continue writing as I please. I'll leave a smaller note at the end about reviews but until then. Let's get to it.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Naruto or Tokyo Ghoul.**

Naruto eyed the cat that was clawing at Sasuke. The brunette in turn was holding it at arms length, giving it a disgusted look. Sakura was wearing Naruto's hoodie to protect her modesty ("Sakura, ya ain't got anything to modest about ya washboard." **BONK!** "Shutting up now.") because the beast of burden had shredded the front of her qipao.

Kakashi maintained a placid expression, face buried in his little orange book. Naruto sighed, D-Ranks were demeaning but they were a good buffer while the team got itself together. Sakura was actually starting to be worth something in combat. Her brilliant Chakra control and photographic memory meant she had a wealth of Taijutsu available to her. Kakashi being able to teach her the katas only once and then having her practice them till they were hammered into her body as well as her mind. Oh, and he'd also slapped weights to every visible part of her in an effort to up her natural strength and speed. Both Naruto and Sasuke got special resistance tags. A weakened version of what Kakashi had called a Resistance Seal. He had said it was like putting rubber bands all over their bodies so there was always something fighting their movements. Except the rubber bands could be made to put out a few hundred pounds of force, hence weakened.

Both boys were also forced to go through everything from warm ups, spars, stretches, flexibility exercises, kata, cardio, and warm downs with the tags. Kakashi said he had the upgraded tags ready for them when their current levels stopped being effective. Plus chakra control. There was a jealous flair when Naruto had showed his ability to water walk but was quickly calmed.

"You both realise I'm dumb right?" Sasuke and Sakura were caught off guard by that, "Only reason I'm at this point it because I can't do any of the _really_ delicate ones like Leaf Balancing or Kunai Balancing. I have all bets the two of you have the first one mastered soon and by the time you catch up to me I'll be balancing Kunai, but you two will be balancing _upside down on top of senbon_. I have stupid chakra reserves. My control is shit in return though. For frame of reference it'd be like being able to lift a full pallet of marble but not be in control of your strength. You wouldn't be able to so much as hug someone because ya'd unintentionally _liquify_ them in ya arms. Ya get me?"

Sasuke and Sakura accepted that and took to tree walking quite well. Naruto's clones had taken a week but within three days Sasuke and Sakura were walking up and down the trees multiple times while holding leaves to various parts of their bodies. Naruto was kind enough to inform them of this, which was a good balancing agent to the team dynamic. Other than that it was D-Ranks. Three months and five days of D-Ranks. They were tedious but paid and really aided in their physical training. Their progress was actually quite remarkable. Kakashi had even shamelessly incentivised them by saying that if they mastered what he was teaching to the point where _he_ was impressed, he'd introduce Ninjutsu training. Based on how well they managed those basics he'd even promised them some Elemental Manipulation training.

"Team Seven reporting Hokage-Sama." Oh? They had arrived already?

"Yo! Jii-sama. Kakashi won't answer but you have balls enough. Ya impotent yet?"

The team face planted, along with Iruka who was helping with the paper work. Hiruzen only chuckled.

"Naruto, I'm old not inept." The boy only shrugged, "Guess that little book o' yours ain't wasted then." Hiruzen choked but hid it with a cough. Madam Shijimi was secretly impressed by the brass on this kid.

"Anyways. Tora's capture and return successful." They watched the Daimyou's wife walk away, taking sick pleasure in the way she crushed the little hell spawn with her embrace. "Well what will it be next? Supply delivery? Courier duty? Grocery shopping-" **CRASH!** "Tora-chan come back!" "Catching Madam Shijimi's cat again?"

Hiruzen eyed Naruto warily as the blonde nodded in understanding. Understanding of what he didn't know. Hiruzen watched as the blonde pulled Kakashi's sleeve to get his attention. He gestured for him to come closer and leaned up on his tip toes, "That cat has enough RC Cells for me to smell. Meaning, a little salt and pepper would go a long way in turning it from palatable to _scarfed down as quickly as inhumanly possible_." Kakashi paled and relayed the threat via hand signs. The Hokage quelled the rapidly forming headache, simultaneously ignoring Iruka's wince and Yugao's hidden snickering. A quick note to never let Naruto capture Tora again, and he was once more browsing through alternative assignments for the Genin. At least until Kakashi cleared his throat.

"This might be a little early Hokage-sama, but I believe a C-Rank might be in order."

Iruka felt like protesting but kept quiet. According to Kakashi's updates, Naruto had been keeping up his Bloodline training and was even making leaps and bounds in general improvements. Sakura had _finally_ got her head on straight (and she didn't even have to get stabbed for it to happen!) and Sasuke was starting to really work well with the team. He was even speaking casually with the team! Sasuke! Speaking! Being friendly!

Hiruzen scratched his chin while Naruto practically vibrated with excitement. ' _Some things really don't change_.' Sasuke looked pleased but still alert while Sakura seemed to be nervous before she buried her anxiety and straightened up. The three genin shared a smirk, and turned back to attention. Focus and confidence oozing off them. ' _Then again, maybe they just change when you aren't looking_.'

"Very well. We have a C-Rank escort. Shouldn't be too much to handle and will let you get a taste of the world outside the village walls. Team Seven is approved for the C-Rank escort mission to Nami no Kuni. Tazuna if you please!"

The door to the office opened and the rattiest, tattiest drunk of an old man any of them had ever seen wobbled into the office. Reeking of sake, still sipping from a bottle, and partially glazed in the eyes he squinted at Team Seven.

"A couple o' brats and some perverted, unreliable lookin' guy? Ya wearin' that mask cause ya afraid of ya face or is ya breath bad enough to need filterin'?"

Kakashi deadpanned while Naruto smiled pleasantly, "Ya one ta talk ain'tcha Ossan! Just remember I've trained for 6 years of my life to know exactly how to kill someone without them realisin' their heart ain't beatin' anymore and then make sure the body is never found!" His smile became even more _'pleasant'_ , "But please! Keep talkin' shit like that 'bout the people who ya trustin' to keep ya from havin' an _accident_ on ya way back home. The woods are pretty dangerous 'round these parts don'tcha know Ossan?"

There was awkward silence as Naruto delivered the most menacing speech any of them had ever heard out of the good natured boy's mouth. _All with that beatific smile on his face_.

Kakashi gave a sigh, "No killing the client Naruto. Also, no more spending your off days with Anko. I can't tell if she's a good or bad influence any more."

Naruto scoffed, "Ibiki is more fucked up and has taken a rather worrying liking to me. Anko is the least of your problems."

Hiruzen's headache came back full force, "Either way, that's your client. Get out and make sure he stays in one piece." Naruto gave a chipper salute, "Hai! Nothing but the best Not-Impotent-Like-Kakashi-Is-Jii-Sama!" The boy promptly turned and dove straight through the closed window nearest Iruka with a flourishing swan dive. Kakashi palmed his face, Sakura and Sasuke stared blankly, Iruka sprouted and honest to Kami grey hair (he'd find it later and correctly assume Naruto was the cause of it), Hiruzen slammed face first into his desk and started to cry crocodile tears, and Tazuna just gaped.

"Didn't even tell him the meeting place and time ugh." Kakshi ambled out with Sakura and Sasuke trailing behind him, leaving Tazuna to wonder if maybe he could trade this team in.

"Meet us at the gates in 2 hours Tazuna-san. Do try to sober up, it helps you not get assassinated because you were too drunk to duck."

' _Nope, not worth it. They're all insane anyway._ '

"Oy ya late." Sakura made vague strangling motions while Sasuke, Kakashi, and Tazuna shared sweat-drops.

"We wouldn't have been late if ya'd stayed and learned when we were meeting rather than smashing through _HOKAGE-SAMA'S WINDOW IDIOT!_ "

Naruto only wiggled a finger in his ear, "I didn't really make it hard to find me though. I went straight home, packed, and then decided to wait at the main gates cause A.) Wave is this way and B.) Main gates are like, where all teams meet when they're leaving on a mission."

Sakura settled for grinding her teeth and yanking Naruto along by his ear out the gates.

"Oy! I need that-ttebayo!" "Not if you're not gonna use it properly baka!"

Kakashi only sighed and followed after them, Sasuke a step behind shaking his head in mild bemusement. Tazuna just prayed he didn't die with these idiot kids.

Just a few steps away Kakashi asked an important question, "Naruto…where is your supply pack?"

The boy only stared at him blankly. He reached into a concealed pocket lower down his leg, hidden just beneath his Kunai holster and produced a scroll. A sealing scroll apparently.

"Me pump Chakra in wiggly lines. Make poof. Ta-da supplies!" Naruto's happy go lucky attitude and tendency to disregard proper grammar was endearing really but also incredibly frustrating. Sasuke and Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"A Scroll?" they inquiered. Now it was Kakashi and Naruto's turn to raise a brow.

"Storage Scroll" the blonde explained, "Uses a pretty esoteric ninja art (He'd only learned the word when Yugao had been explaining Ninja Arts and then had to pause and explain the word itself) called **_Fuuinjutsu_** or Sealing Techniques. I'm just starting but already feel like an old hand at it. Like when ya already learned something but are only just now remembering it. It's pretty easy but after I goofed a sealing matrix and accidently swallowed 25 square feet of clearing I was practicing in I was forced to swear not to practice by myself." The boy made a face, "Something about improper matrices causing existential flux, resulting in instantaneous self collapsing singularity events with undefined borders. Whatever that complicated mumbo jumbo means. Oh well! All I need to know is that I draw squiggly lines that do cool stuff or it explodes in some flamboyant manner!" The words he was learning were fun!

Sakura however understood every word and vowed to never be within a half mile of Naruto when he was practicing. But it did sound useful. Maybe she could learn on the side? Wait. Who was teaching Naruto in the first place? The questions surrounding the blonde were getting more numerous in recent times. Her chat with Ino a few days prior had revealed how Naruto had clammed up around the mention of Mizuki-sensei. Not to mention the so called 'battle-field' promotion that he'd gotten. Iruka had declined to spill and Kakashi had said nothing about the subject as well. What was going on with Uzumaki Naruto. And why the hell the term **_Fuuinjutsu_** and the name Uzumaki make her want to slap herself silly?

Her thoughts were promptly delayed.

"Oh look a ryo!"

"NARUTO NO!"

Whatever coin Naruto had meant to pick up nearby the puddle by the roadside was left where it was when a ninja burst out of the water and tried to pull Naruto's eyes out through his nostril. The blonde, simply ducked and nailed the man with a vicious left hook to the chin that dropped him like a bad habit. Another rose out of the water in the puddle on the opposite side of the road and lunged for Naruto with a roar. He was intercepted when Sakura stopped him flat with an uppercut, swept his legs, then tossed him to Sasuke who had spring boarded off Naruto's open palms, and slammed home with a bone rattling double hammer axe kick. The second one was out cold just like that.

Kakashi just stared. Right, Naruto's ridiculous sense of smell and his teammates not being stupid. Wow was he jaded from all the idiots he had to deal with prior. Both nukenin were promptly bound and woken. The first thing they saw was Kakashi's serious visage

"We do this quick or we do this fun. Who sent you and what's your objective?"

They spat at his feet. He sighed, "Oh well. I tried. Naruto, you're up."

They chuckled as the blonde walked up and sat down in front of them.

"Lemme make this clear, I have no intention of torturing you. It just so happens what I will do to you, will be both excruciating and traumatising." They scoffed, Naruto shrugged, Sasuke and Sakura strained their ears to hear. "Look" his Kakugan formed in a flash and both men flinched back violently, "I have a bit of a weird bloodline. Ya see I get some pretty wicked benefits. I get enhanced strength and speed. My senses are pretty off the charts too ya know. But there is a pretty big draw back." He leaned forward, they leaned away. "I. Eat. People." Both men paled.

"As it turns out every single person has RC Cells and those are what fuel my abilities. They were discovered a while ago and no one really knew the full scope of their purpose till I awakened my peculiar Bloodline. Ya see RC Cells are made alongside the blood cells in your body, they act as both ferries and batteries producing and moving chakra throughout the body aiding the chakra dispersion efficiency. They also aid internal channeling and help the Chakra network to grow and repair in times of stress and improvement. They also serve a bunch of other purposes, the most important of which is being _absolutely fucking delicious_." His smile and black/red eyes bore into their souls, "The more chakra you have the more RC Cells you have and the better you taste. Not to mention the fresher the body the more _juicy_ and _delectable_ the flavor. Apparently panic induces a kind of emergency response that sends RC Cells into a frenzied overdrive amplifying the flavor. So now you have three options. I eat you both alive, swapping between who I chew till you squeal. Eat one of you alive in front of the other. Slowly, just to make sure I get my point across and hope the other talks before I get started on them. Or, you can both stay alive and I'll just rely on my pre-packed stash." The boy cheerily patted a pocket but his grin was what did it. His canines were unnaturally long, mixed with the manic gleam in the boy's eyes and the way he _fucking drooled over them_ , they squealed like stuck pigs.

Tied up and left for the Konoha ANBU Patrol, Sasuke and Sakura approached Naruto warily. His eyes had gone back to normal but he was chewing 'jerky' again and after that display they weren't so sure about his honesty.

"Nice Genjutsu Dobe. Didn't know ya had it in you. You could sell water to fish like that, thinking about entering Torture and Interrogation down the line?" The blonde regarded Sasuke with confusion while Kakashi talked to Tazuna about the compensation they would receive for having lied to Konoha.

"Genjutsu? Feh! Can't use 'em to save my life. I'm dead serious, I eat people. But I didn't really tell the whole truth ya know?" Kakashi had come back at this point to rest a steadying hand on both Genin's shoulder, "I get some extra limbs." Naruto's Purple/Red, Shining Scale Tails sprouted from his lower back. The only difference being the closed bud like formation at the tip rather than the typical sharpened scales.

"I'm what's called an Ashura. Or a Hekatonkheires. Or a Shiva. Or a Ghoul. I'm essentially _the_ Apex Predator. And I only get stronger, because eating people let's me integrate their RC Cells to fuel my limbs."

Dread settled in Sakura and Sasuke's stomachs. "In other words the more people I eat, the more chakra I assimilate."

The rest of the trip was fairly quiet, but after Naruto started to talk about how annoying eating people was they sorta warmed up. Though there was no way that, "I can't even eat ramen! RAMEN! **SOB!** " wouldn't break any kind of tension. Sakura had let her curiosity take over. So they'd ended up learning about Kakuho and Kakugan, and Kagune, and Kakuja. There were a whole lot of 'Kaku-' involved followed by an expedient amount of '-kakus' as Naruto explained the forms of the Kagune and the relevance the placement of the Kakuho has on the Kagune.

"From Top to Bottom, it's Ukaku located right at the base of the neck. Shining Feather which manifests as a veil of energy, It moves more like blanket in the wind but those that have it tend to be _insanely_ fast. Not to mention the Ukaku is sharp as a nightmare with the oddest ability to crystalize and be fired in a hailstorm. It'd be like having a storage scroll on your shoulder that spits kunai at speeds fast enough to punch though half a foot of steel. Except you can't run out of kunai. And you naturally move at Body Flicker speed." They shuddered at that. "The next is Koukaku. The Shining Shell is a manifestation of inhuman brute force. It typically forms as a truly massive blade or shield off the dominant hand of the wielder sprouting from just beneath the scapula. Defensive or Offensive formation, the user can bludgeon most things into paste. If Ukaku will pierce through a half foot of metal, Koukaku will pulverize anything without the consistency of steel, or a thickness exceeding two feet. Add to the defensive capabilities and you have one hell of a bruiser."

That was actually a terrifying thought. Add chakra to the mix and it painted an absolutely terrifying picture.

"Next is Rinkaku, or Shining Scale is what I wield, that sprouts from the lower back. Having the most balanced of enhancements it makes up for the lack of outrageous physical boosts by being the most versatile and flexible of the Kagune." To prove a point he let _four_ tails come to bear, then, the 'buds' at the end of his 'tails' bloomed and sprouted two feet of twisted spire. "It is also the most numerous. Where Ukaku and Koukaku users can only have two, _maybe_ four if you're _crazy_ lucky, additional limbs in a fixed form. Rinkaku benefits from being as numerous as you have RC Cells and comes in as many shapes as you practice with. It is entirely possible for me to grow up to eight 'tails' but the sheer RC rating I'd need for that is monstrous. Even four tails is pushing it, hence why I stick to two."

Naruto. With his ridiculous chakra, stupid strength, and rapidly growing speed. Then throw in his 'tails' with spear-them-to-death mode or shred-them-to-death mode could technically quadruple his power given enough time.

"Hax." Naruto gave Sasuke a confused look

The brunette repeated himself, "That's cheating." Was he pouting? Yes, yes he was.

"Don't worry Sasuke, soon enough you'll reach stage three of your fancy eyes and be able to predict all my movements and see my chakra moulding and copy my techniques and- wait…How am _I_ cheating again?" Naruto's cheeky smirk drew a gruff 'Hn' before he got back to the explanation.

"Last one is Bikaku or Shining Tail sourced at the base of the spine" he shook his head bemusedly, "Everything is so shiny I swear. Any who, Bikaku relies mostly on the user. Of the four is has the weakest physical enhancements but makes up with ability. If Rinkaku is flexibility and adaptation by effort, then Bikaku would be natural talent. They come in all shapes and sizes doing things from being able to heal and stitch people back together all the way to being able to be detached and buried as proximity traps. They also have the longest reach out of any of the Kagune. At least in terms of it still being attached to you. It doesn't suffer like Ukaku because you aren't sacrificing vitality to pepper you opponent with blows. If you miss with Bikaku you can just try again. Miss with Ukaku and you're draining your stamina and chakra away."

Naruto sipped his canteen from the long explanation, "Any other question?"

Sasuke and Sakura shared a glance, then turned to the blonde, "What's a Kakuja?"

Naruto nodded, "Shoulda figured that'd be ya next question. Kakuja means Awakened One. They are those that go beyond a single Kagune type and end up armoring themselves. Unlike evolving your Kagune through consuming vast quantities of RC Cells, you can only become a Kakuja by cannibalizing the Kakuho of another Asura" both genin winced, "Yeah I know. Apparently, other Asura also taste horrific when eaten. There's also the problem that the longer the Kakuho is left out the less effective it is in boosting an Asura's power. Next is the fact that the 'will' of an Asura has a tendency to linger within the RC Cells of the body. Eating a particularly strong Kakuho can transfer specks of personality between individuals. You can essentially give yourself a split personality that rejects you and attempts to take over your body. Many that attempted it had a tendency to go insane and then need murdering themselves."

That made sense, at least to Sakura, "So like a rejection reaction" Naruto glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, "When people transfer blood it has to match otherwise the body attacks it and causes clots and stuff. It can kill if not done properly."

Naruto scratched at his neck, "Not sure if it's all that similar but sounds about right. The thing is it was really worth it if you could power through and conquer it you could so some pretty amazing things. The most powerful Kakuja could exude enough RC Cells to form a full shell. It'd be like a puppet you operate from the inside that had full access to every Kagune you have ever consumed. It'd be almost comparable to a combat summons and all the combination Jutsu you could think of but with you sitting inside, completely armored and protected. That requires some serious cannibalisation though. Like, I'm talking a 50 plus Kakuho needed and preferably fresh ones from people with a weak will or compatible genetics to prevent you from going insane and needing your head lopped off cause you can just regrow ya limbs and all that jazz."

Sasuke and Sakura sweatdropped. Jeez, you'd have to kill and cannibalize a small clan for that to happen. Not worth at all.

"So what's the game plan" Sakura turned her queries to Kakashi. He flipped a page in his book before answering, "We'll set up camp for the night, we're already ¾ of the way to Nami no Kuni so by the time we get there tomorrow we'll be well rested and ready to face whatever might come our way. Zabuza was those chumps' employer and sent them ahead to take care of Tazuna as quickly as possible and now we're moving to him. If we're going to be walking into an ambush blind, might as well be well rested and well fed. Get the tents going, I'll handle food preparation while Naruto gathers firewood. First watch will also be mine. I can function the best on reduced sleep. You lot will need it more anyway."

And with that Naruto's secret came to light. He had been panicking the whole time but outside of Tazuna (who was a civilian and expected to freak out) and Kakashi (who had already known) there wasn't much awkwardness between them all. Sasuke and Sakura accepted him and that was it. Being welcomed, Naruto realised, was nicer than expected.

"Hey Naruto, now that we now about your bloodline can you tell us about how you awakened it and why Mizuki sensei is missing?"

Water spewed from the blonde's mouth. Sakura looked as innocent as possible while Sasuke hid a grin.

"Um…well that's a bit complicated. Er…Kakashi? Ya mind helpin' me out 'ere?"

"Can't. Impotent. Brooding about my cruel fate."

Naruto stared at the man blankly, "Now you develop a sense of humor." Kakashi eye-smiled and continued to read his smut.

"Hah~ Fine I guess. Well whatever leaves this clearing ya must know that it cannot be shared unless you have my express permission or Kakashi's for that matter. If you let this loose without our say-so you will be charged with exposure of village secrets and arrested for treason."

He made sure to stare Sakura and Sasuke down until they nodded, "Both of you know that I failed the Academy's final test but that was because of my ridiculous chakra capacity and lack of control. Without question I never have, nor will I ever be able ta make a standard Bunshin. Period. That's it flat, not ever gonna happen. This in mind Mizuki approached me and told me about a secret alternative test that would let me bypass Genin rank altogether and, being the naïve moron I was, I went right along with it. He gave me a map and some ANBU rotation schedules along with a sealing tag for the security and told me to steal the Fuin no Sho. He said if I learned a Jutsu from that there was absolutely no way I couldn't be considered a Genin and I'd be promoted. So I did. If I can paint the Monument in broad day light impromptu then breaking in with help was a cake walk. I ended up snagging it earlier than expected and knocking Old Man Hokage out with my," **Cough** , "special **_Henge_**. I took the time, learned three techniques, dragged the scroll to where Mizuki had set our rendezvous for, then got slapped with a chakra sealing tag."

Naruto sipped his canteen, "Iruka managed to intercept him before he could do anything more and they got into a bit of a scramble. Ah…Iruka really went hard but while I was trying to figure out the tag Mizuki took the opportunity to attack me after landing a pretty solid shot on Sensei. Iruka tried to intercept but the cut on his leg made him slow. Mizuki drove his kunai through my heart and the world went black. Apparently while the tag worked to supress Chakra, RC Cells are still a physical force that affects the body and when I 'died' the temporary seal tag lost its grip on my chakra, allowing my Bloodline to surge into overdrive. It repaired my heart at ridiculous speeds but also came at a price. It brutality tore up my fat reserves and bone density in order to provide the materials needed to build me back together. However, my consciousness wasn't back yet so I went feral. Yanked the kunai outta of my chest, tore an arm off Mizuki before near decapitating him with his own Fuuma Shuriken then ate him while Iruka blacked out from blood-loss. Apparently when the ANBU finally got there, all that was left of Mizuki was his pelvis and head while Iruka almost bought it cause the bastard knicked his femoral. Thankfully he made it but it was close dip. Later found out that Mizuki worked for that Sannin dude who apparently is like _THE_ _WORST TRAITOR_ to come from Konoha, right up there with Uchiha Itachi. What was his name again Kashi-sensei?"

"Orochimaru."

"Right, apparently Mochi-Saru wanted whatever crazy Kinjutsu that were buried in the scroll and used Mizuki and this unfortunate sap to get the dirty work done. At the end of it, Gramps himself explored the Academy since we had a bloody _traitor_ fiddling with things in the Academy system. With some revision we found a lot of things had been tampered with to set me up for the fall at the end. Pair that with catching a traitor, or enough of him that they could pull memories from his head, I was given a battlefield promotion under the condition that I passed my Jonin's exam. So here I am."

There was silence before Sasuke asked what had really been buggin' him.

"Why you though? Why set you in particular up for the fall and no one else? They would've had to sabotage you for _years_ for this to work out."

Internally Naruto was a panicking wreck, externally he sipped his canteen again and shrugged.

"Could be any mess of things really. Orphan, so no parents to say, 'Hey that sounds mighty suspicious!' or to keep an eye out for me either way. I'm pretty isolated too, no friends beside a couple o' civilian ramen shop owners and not particularly well like by the populace because of my pranks so there goes any credibility. Maybe because I was born on October 10th, a lot of the really stupid ones see me as the Kyuubi incarnate or an omen of death, but hey! Never claimed those people were anything more than dumb fucks so I don't really care."

Naruto shrugged again, "No name orphans don't matter much in Konoha. At least until you do something insane like _murder and entire battalion_ like the Yondaime but otherwise ya worth even less than the trash in the streets. Some people have the decency to pick that stuff up and put it where it belongs, but see a filthy street urchin? More people are tempted to kick you while you're down than help you."

The crackle of flames that had previously been so comforting only felt oppressive now.

"That's horrible."

"That's life."

Naruto promptly entered his tent. Team Seven stared dully at the flames. Sasuke turned in next, a dark expression clashing with a melancholy one. Sakura folded in on herself, clenching both fists tightly to her chest, everything she'd ever done to Naruto rising up like a picture book of all her worst moments. Kakashi was lifeless. A statue cast in the stone of regret, chiseled by pain, cracked by suffering, and only held together by steadfast will and duty.

"I'll take first watch." The man was gone, leaving Sakura alone beneath the moon-light. Tears dripped gently onto her legs.

"I'm sorry."

She wasn't sure who she was apologizing to.

 **oooOOOoOOOooo**

While Naruto was wholly confused about the way his team were treating him it wasn't unpleasant.

"Y'all wouldn't happen to feel guilty about my situation as well as your lack of ability to change it and are now trying to ease your guilt by being extra nice to me are you?"

From the way they all winced he figured he'd hit the nail on the head. It had started with a nicer attitude and warmer smiles (even Sasuke had managed to not hide his smirk at one of his worse puns) and Kakashi was actually more engaged and attentive this morning.

Naruto smirked and yanked them all into a surprise group hug, "It's fine you giant goofs. Life ain't fair but it's no one's fault except for those that keep making excuses and hiding away from reality rather than moving on. It's not your fault they pick the easy road and I chose the hard. It's not your faults my parents are gone or that people encouraged you to steer clear. You were just as young and naïve and listening to the only authority you knew. It's not your fault a traitor slipped through and fucked with everyone and not your fault I bit it for a few minutes. If anything I'm kinda content with how this all worked out. Now I don't need a pity party or a get better soon club. I just need good teammates and even better friends, alright?"

There was a beat, "Hug me again Dobe and I'll make sure you stay dead."

Naruto snorted and the moment was gone, though the gruff boy looked suspiciously rosy in the cheeks while Sakura was wiping at her eyes. "Kakashi are you crying?"

 **Sniffle!** "No~"

The three Genin rolled their eyes at how sappy their sensei was and moved to wake Tazuna and get a move on. Turned out they were closer to Wave than expected, barely an hour and a half later they were on a boat being quietly guided through the thick mists. Naruto gave a low whistle at the size of the bridge they passed under. He also ignored the silent scratch at the back of his mind that told him to jump over the boat and swim. But that was ridiculous, there was nothing off the coast of Nami besides ocean and an apparently nasty set of whirlpools that had been famous for rending people to pieces long before the boats they were in capsized.

"Oy, Tazuna. There anything beyond those whirlpools ya mentioned?" the itch to sprint full tilt out into open ocean was starting to make him feel like a crack addict going through withdrawals. The old man only scratched his chin.

"Rumors say those maelstroms are the first line of defense for Uzu no Kuni as well as the main village Uzushiogakure. Used to be home to a quiet but obscenely powerful clan by the name of Uzumaki", the blonde received some raised eyebrows, but shrugged and mouthed 'orphan' before turning back to Tazuna. "Whole place is said to be either protected by a Sea Monster, Sealed in time, or haunted beyond belief."

Naruto received several disbelieving looks when he shuddered in fear.

"Naruto, you eat people but you're scared of ghosts."

"Can't exactly eat a ghost-ttebayo! Besides, I don't wanna be some old dudes' meat suit!"

They rolled their eyes.

"However it's only a rumor. There's a set of equally vicious whirlpools of the coast of Gestugakure but no one has confirmed whether Uzushio is here or there. Some say that it answers the call of the remaining Uzumaki when ever they need a sanctuary or escape. But they don't stay long. Apparently each one that visits is tasked with a missive, find the last member o the main clan and deliver them there. It was said that when the royal line re-emerged that the Uzumaki would answer the call. '

 _When the Blood of Daimyou's paints these stones, a resonance shall each Uzumaki know. The Name will spread by earth, by wind, by ear. And All shall know the Uzumaki's rise is here.'_

Or so the old saying went." There was an electric feeling in the air, but it was gone a moment later. "I think the last direct descendant of the Main Line of Uzumaki might've been one Uzumaki Shizuka who had some tryst that her father didn't approve of. She took off with her first born son, who was the rightful heir, while her father's brother's line took over as the 'Royal Line'. However the first son was still technically rightful heir to the throne. He fell out of the history books for a couple decades but was seen with a brunette woman who was carrying a suspicious bundle. Then, Uzumaki Benihime came about another few decades later claiming to be the daughter of a wandering Uzumaki couple that had never settled. She returned to have them buried with the clan, before she ended up falling in love with next in Line to the Uzu Dynasty. That line had only bore daughters before, one of which was Uzumaki Mito whose brother only managed a Daughter before he fell during the Drowning Waves incident."

He received blank looks, "It's what we called the fall of Uzu. Even when the Uzumaki were exterminated something in their sealing arrays legitimately caused a Sea Quake that crushed the retreating shinobi's boats and rafts. The few left alive were crushed to death when a Tsunami reaching an even 360 feet literally wiped the island clean. I was just a boy then and even though no bodies were found, the sea was red with blood for days. It was the only time those whirlpools stilled, but the sea had been suffocated with blood of 20,000 fallen Shinobi. As such it was named the Drowning Waves for those that were here to witness it. Add to that there have always been whispers about the surviving Uzumaki, one of which had been Uzumaki Mito's niece and the last true Royal Uzumaki. Uzumaki Benihime was the granddaughter of the exiled Shizuka who married a descendant of her Great Grandfather and bore Mito and her Brother, who in turn fathered Uzumaki Kushina. Now all that's left is myth and lore as well as the haunted whispers of that clan that wait for their resurgence."

The rest of the journey was silent. There wasn't much room for conversation after a revelation like that. Especially considering the total population of Uzu was a meagre 5,000. To have massacred 3 times that amount and good portion from the grave gave them even more reason to be feared. Naruto however was sunk into his subconscious, body running on auto pilot.

"Yo Kurama, what's the likelihood me setting foot on Uzu would give the Old Man an aneurism?"

The fox gave him a considering look. " **I know where all the clan secrets are kept from when Mito visited her Grandfather on his death bed. There's quite a bit of havoc we could cause with that kind of knowledge** " the Bijuu's eyes glowed with malice, " **So much havoc!** " Naruto ignored the fox's cackling and rolled his eyes. Returning to the real world he carved that hymn into his soul. He would revive the clan. If only because nothing came before family.

 **oooOOOoOoOOOooo**

"DUCK!" Tazuna hit the dirt faster than any of the Shinobi. Then again, everyone there was faster than Naruto. He'd known about it and so had the rest due to his ridiculous senses. Instead he simply caught the massive blade clean out of the air, spinning with it to reduce the chance of having his shoulder pop out of place before smoothly sticking it to his back with chakra. He turned to an empty stretch of woods and bowed.

"I thank you for your most generous gift, you and yours are always welcome in my home for such a stupendous offering. I shall cherish it always." He straightened up, took two steps forward to continue on his journey, and immediately had to back flip when a Half-Naked, Bandaged man in funny pants and arm warmers attempted to turn him to paste. The man rose slowly, his chakra and killing intent exploding out of him and into the shape of a towering Hanya Mask behind him.

" ** _Return my blade now and I won't be forced to make you watch when I crucify you with your own fingers_**."

Naruto only whistled lowly, "Das some mighty fine Intent ta Kill there Browless wonder! Would be scared if ya entrance was anything more than a 6 with pity points and ya fly wasn't down but hey! Kudos for effort."

It was testament to Naruto's ability to completely catch people so off-guard they had to wonder if perhaps they were dreaming. Reflexively the assassin checked his fly (his pants didn't have a zipper anyway) and by the time he realised he'd been duped and looked up there was a set of shuriken rocketing towards him from the blonde. Finishing his handseals, Naruto winked, "Made ya look! **_Shuriken Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!_** " six became forty six and Zabuza was forced to retreat.

"Oh yeah! I lied, those are **_Henged_** **_Kage Bunshin_** but guess what they can do!"

Zabuza did not want to guess, he managed to replace himself with a water clone and watched as it was swarmed with solid copy blondes that all gave a cheerful chirp, " ** _BUNSHIN DAIBAKHU!_** " the clearing was rocked from the force of the explosion and even forced Zabuza out of his tree and onto the nearby lake. That was one hell of a Genin and if the others were anything like that he'd need every advantage. Quickly forming twin half-ram seals, he held one above his head and the other just at chest height.

" ** _Kirigakure no Jutsu_** " The mist thickened to the point of zero visibility in seconds. The Genin immediately took form around Tazuna. He was the main target, regardless of Naruto stealing the man's sword.

"8 Points" he intoned, "Spine, Liver, Kidneys, Jugular, Heart, Head, Femoral. How would you like to die today?" The Killing Intent spiked but was quickly silenced when Naruto whipped a kunai faster than any had seen before. There was a quiet splash and Naruto cursed, " ** _Mizu Bunshin_**? Tch! I can smell him and feel the slightest tremors from when he moves around but his footsteps are completely silent. The Clones smell enough like him that it's a bit difficult to distinguish between the real and them. However, if they're just here to be annoying…" Naruto took a deep breath and became a flurry of blades. Shuriken and Kunai found their marks with ease, quiet splashes echoing as the clones fell to the onslaught of blades. Sasuke might be a bit of a dick but damn if the guy couldn't pin a fly to a wall by its wings from 600 paces and was apparently a mighty fine instructor.

"Not bad kid, but I'll be having this back along with your head!" Naruto let he chakra that was keeping Kubikirihucho stuck to his back go, ducking the Mist Nin's kunai as it sailed for his neck, and crashing a fully wound Mule Kick into the Jonin. The man wasn't one of the best for no reason, using the flat of the blade he caught the kick but wasn't ready for the sheer force behind it. He slid back into a stab from Sasuke who was forced away from a vertical cleave by Sakura when Zabuza spun around the blow. Sakura unleashed a straight with the force of her full body lunge behind it. Zabuza should have known better by now, the wiry girl's fist was caught but the strength behind it slammed the back of his fist into his nose. He didn't release the sword but it left him open to the combo of spin kicks, rounds houses, and back-kicks Sasuke unleashed. Using his elbow the Kiri Nin redirected most of the blows, but ate a few more than he would have liked to admit. All of them centered on his kidney while he had to fight the pink one off his front. With the distraction going he couldn't bring his full strength to bear especially when the pink haired Genin was standing on his blade's spine, anchoring it and herself to the ground with chakra abusing the stiff lock of her legs and ridiculous punching power to barrage him with straights, hooks, jabs, uppercuts, and the odd elbow blow.

He realized that he was in a pickle and did the only thing he could, he let go of his precious blade and yanked the kunoichi into the brunette that was hell bent on kicking his kidneys out his back before being forced away again when the blonde unleashed a monster dropkick to haymaker play. Zabuza learned very quickly why the blonde was the power house, the rain of heavy and unorthodox blows meant catching a rhythm to break the offence he was putting out was nigh impossible. It didn't help that any openings were covered with kunai aimed for his vitals. Yet the blond did not stop till Zabuza's ankles hit the water of the small lake he'd started from. The blonde feinted a hook, and rolled into another mule kick forcing him back onto the water while the brunette popped up beside him again.

" ** _Katon: Gokakyu!_** "

" ** _Fuuton: Toppa!_** "

Fire impacted wind and raced after Zabuza in a conflagration that would've seared his eyebrows off if he still had any. Cancelling the water walking was the only thing that saved from being a flambé. He didn't get a chance to recover as Kakashi's eye smiling visage appeared on the surface above him. He panicked and flipped through seals as quickly as possible. Too late. The **_Jibashi_** conducted through the water and straight into him. Kakashi watched the body spasm and only let up when the bubbles from Zabuza's silent screaming stopped. The body laid limp in the water. He stood there for a few seconds before reaching through, promptly interrupted when a polite voice cut in, "I don't suppose you'd allow me to take care of that? Hatake-san?"

Kakashi was in front of his students in a flash, warily eyeing the Hunter Nin that had been inches from his face seconds ago. Whoever they were, they were good. He hadn't even realized they were there.

"He's caused me quite a bit of trouble you know? And Mizukage-sama would greatly appreciate that the village secrets stayed secret. You understand of course Hatake-san. I'll be sure to credit the kill to you. No guarantees about the bounty."

The Nin nicked Zabuza's body, and before Naruto could protest, the Excutioner's Blade as well.

"Apologies Konoha-san. The Seven Swords of the Mist are heirlooms to the country and cannot be left in the hands of others. I apologize once more."

Then they were gone. Silence reigned. "Couldn't get anything off of them. No scent, no heart beat, no sound. It was like they were the dead walking. They're good but I've never seen an ANBU like that."

They resumed their walk on the path, pulling Tazuna out of the little burrow Kakashi had hidden him in with Earth Release, before the man went on to explain.

"That was a Hunter Nin. They're typically a sub division of a Village's Black Ops Corps and their title says it all. They are quite literally built and trained to hunt down and eliminate Rogue Shinobi and traitors to the village to make sure that any sensitive information they know doesn't fall into enemy hands. As well as techniques, Kekkei Genkai, Legendary Weapons, so on and so forth. The regular in village ANBU most people are familiar with range from High Chunin all the way up to Jonin. On the other hand, every single Hunter Nin is a base of Jonin and typically have a cap of borderline S-Rank. I couldn't get a read on that kids Chakra since it was so well concealed but they're likely low Jonin level."

Team Seven nodded as one, but it was Naruto that spoke up, "Why so young then Kakashi?"

The silver haired man panned to the blonde, "Kirigakure is in a bit of a toss up right now. The Mizukage has ordered the extermination of all Bloodline users in the country and a rebellion force rose up in record time. Even the Shinobigatana Shichinin Shuu have been split. Last I heard only four remained in Mizu no Kuni, two of which are under the Mizukage, one is in the rebellion, and though he's here now Zabuza threw the first blow against the Yondaime Mizukage. He came the closest of anyone to taking the man's head off. Other than that the last wielder of the Kiba Swords has disappeared and the wielder of Samehada is an S-Rank Traitor to the village. I think Shibuki is stored in the village Vaults but everything else is just rumors"

The journey to Tazuna's house was spent discussing the Seven Swords, their abilities, and origins. Rumor had it that they were a gift from the Uzu Daimyo to the Mizu Daimyo at the first formation of the villages as a gift of peace. Too bad the bastards turned their back on them during the Second Shinobi War. Thankfully they made it to Tazuna's house with no other complications.

"Otou-san!" Tazuna was immediately tackled by a pretty indigo haired woman. Tazuna only smiled and held her close before turning and introducing the team that had escorted him from Konoha. Kakashi and Naruto eye-smiled, as was their wont, while Sakura and Sasuke bowed politely. With a chorused 'Sorry for the intrusion' Team Seven finally had a chance to crash.

Naruto was laid out quietly on the couch nibbling more 'jerky' while Sasuke sat on the nearest windowsill enjoying the view of the ocean behind Tazuna's dock. Sakura sat on the floor, head braced against Naruto's thigh quietly reading through a scroll that contained as much of the theory about Tsunade's enhanced strength as Kakashi could remember. Speaking of whom…

"Sorry guys but Zabuza isn't dead. Hunter Nin always take the head and burn the body where it is." Sakura jumped and accidently flipped the couch. Naruto squawked and almost choked on his snack. Sasuke flailed briefly and fell face first into he tatami mats.

"WHAT?!" she hissed, "And you didn't think this was important enough to mention _before_ we left Zabuza's unconscious and vulnerable body alone with someone we didn't know?!"

Kakashi only chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, sorry. I completely forgot that the Demon Brothers said he had another accomplice. I was really impressed with your performance and got caught up getting Tazuna to safety. I didn't think about it till it was too late. My **_Jibashi_** did quite a bit of damage despite not being lethal, either way it'll take him a while to get back on his feet so we have time to prepare for him instead. Though I probably should have known you could take care of yourselves and ensured the threat was dealt with."

Despite having said it as an after thought, Naruto latched onto it with a maniacal glee, "D'awww~ You guys hear that?! Kashi-sensei wuvs us so much he dun goof'd!" Kakashi gave him a flat look, "He thinks we're good enough to hold our own against a Jonin, what a great and wonderfully loving Sensei we have!" The look became deadpan. He didn't get a chance to move when a quick **_Kawarimi_** swapped Naruto with his Icha Icha. The blonde promptly glomped him and refused to let go. His next problem was a giggling Sakura who impacted his waist and dragged him to the ground. He gave a despondent sigh as Naruto snuggled him ('Kashi-tan wuvs us!') and Sakura traded giggled for sniggers. He felt a soft 'wumph' and there was Sasuke leaning against his back and watching the sun set in the distance.

"Et tu, Sasuke?"

"Hn."

Kakshi's head hung with the weight of his despair, but it was worth it in the end. The kids swapping jokes over his shoulders, care free laughter punctuated by Sasuke's own gruff chortles.

' _Really now. My Genin are such a handful._ '

"Why do you try so hard! It's pointless! You're only gonna die!"

The boy took off running.

"Inari! I'm so sorry for his rudeness Shinobi-san."

Naruto only smiled gently, "You're a good mother aren't you?"

Everyone was taken back at that. "Ah-I?-Um? Sorry?"

"No, no. It's fine. I never knew my parents but I feel like I'd love having a mother like you, kid just needs ta learn not ta take that for granted. He needs to learn the difference between having lost something and having nothing left to lose." He stood from the table, "Thank you for the coffee Tsunami-chan! I'll be off for a bit."

Naruto was out the door before anyone could get a word in edgewise. Tsunami only held a single hand to her blushing face, "Oh my. What a strange boy."

Judging by the faces the rest of Team Seven made, this was not uncommon information.

As much as they expected Naruto to throw a tantrum or go punch something, he was actually out collecting as many flower and herb clippings as possible. A ratty old book served as his guide for the flora of Wave and knowing they'd be guarding Tazuna at the bridge this would be his only chance. ' _Log knows Kakashi-sensei will be grinding us into the ground for every possible situation we'll encounter when Zabuza gets back_ ' His adventure complete Naruto spotted a rather delicate figure with a wicker basket collecting herbs of various kinds. Their wandering gaze eventually found Naruto's. Silence, until they waved. Naruto returned it with a smile and went off on his merry way.

The girl returned the senbon she'd palmed back to the hidden folds of her robe. This was a fight that would not end well for either party. Better to leave the Konoha Nin oblivious and alive than dead and press a Jonin she had no chance against along with the remainder of a vengeful team into hunting her down. Cursing her soft heart she made to leave. ' _Or I'll at least keep telling myself that.'_

 **oooOOOoOoOOoOoOOOooo**

True to form, neither hide nor hair of Zabuza was seen in the following days however Kakashi had pushed them all as far as they could go without leaving them unable to defend themselves and the client. Sasuke was rather miffed to find out that Naruto had lost whatever elemental affinity he'd had to begin with but got over it fast when he was reminded the boy would have to work four times as hard at it than Sasuke would with his own affinities. They did however opt to trade and Naruto taught Sasuke how to make Shadow Clones ("Make more than one and you'll die so last resort Teme.") for how to spit a Fire Ball ("Coat your throat and mouth with Chakra idiot or you'll never breath right again."). Sakura ended up with a Lightning affinity with which she was already plotting how to boost her body's power without obliterating her fist down to a stump ("Baa-chan will help if I ask her nicely and bring her alcohol."), and Kakashi did what Kakashi did best. He outlined basic Jutsu, "I didn't copy 1,000 Tecniques, it's actually closer to 485 of which I can use 237 as the rest are Kekkei Genkai. Of the 237, I can use 114 without handsigns because I didn't just copy them. I _mastered_ them. Sasuke take notes, it doesn't matter how many techniques you have. If you can't use them properly they're a waste of time. If you can copy a thousand and master none or copy 20 and master them all, take the 20."

There even was a little debate between Naruto and Kakashi about nature transformations.

"Lookit, Kakashi I'm not saying that Advanced Nature Manipulation is easy, I'm saying that you don't need a Kekkei Genkai to use it. I mean for the love of Log _you_ know exactly what elements go into **_Yoton_** what you don't know is the ratio of Earth to Fire nature chakra you need to combine! Stuff like that I'm sure can be figured out with a good bit of practice! Just teach me the advanced transformation exercises for all the elements and I'll work it out from there! Believe it!"

Kakashi quirked a brow while Sasuke and Sakura looked contemplative. "Alright then. Everybody grab some leaves. I'm glad you each know a basic Jutsu for your element but here's how to improve it. Each technique you know does the work for you, save Sasuke's because he was at least taught the basics of Fire Manipulation. The difference between a B-Rank Technique and an S-Rank Technique is proficiency. How well you can transform your chakra from element-less to elemental. To do so without the training wheels of handsigns you take a leaf and do one of 5 basic exercises. For Wind, you must split the leaf with only your chakra. For Earth, dry it out completely and when you've advanced far enough crumble it to dust. For Fire you must burn a hole in the center, then extend the diameter till you hit the edge without starting a blaze. For Water you must pull the water from the leaf out then return it back in without damaging the structure. Finally for Lightning you must crumple the leaf with he electric nature of your chakra. I'm nice enough to give you a hint though, all these exercises share the same base principles. How the chakra moves and how the element moves. How the chakra feels and how the element feels. And finally, how the element is formed and how to form your chakra the same way. If you haven't made any progress in the next couple hours you'll all be doing push-ups till sundown. Ja ne!"

It was currently 10:00 a.m and the bridge crew would be guarded by Kakshi leaving the genin to train.

" ** _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!_** " Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the 4 clones that spawned and picked up leaves themselves to practice with. Naruto noticed his gaze and shrugged, "They return whatever memories they get upon dispersion either voluntarily or by force."

"Hn."

"It's not cheating cause we're ninja. You can do the same moron, just remember no more than one if you don't wanna die."

It was a crying shame that they still made no progress. Thankfully Kakashi had mercy and it wasn't push-ups till sundown. There were lunges and pull-ups and squats and crunches and sit ups and Russian twists and planks and bicycles and rowboa…

"YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE AND NOTHINGS GONA FREE US CAUSE GATO'S TOO STRONG! YOU IDIOTS AREN'T GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE ANYWAY SO STOP TRYING TO GIVE HOPE WHEN THRE IS NONE!"

It was a testament to how often this happened that Team Seven didn't even react.

"This is really good Tsunami-chan! Was this the deer I brought back today? I didn't think it'd turn out so well!"

"STOP IGNORING ME!"

The put upon sigh Naruto let out summed the mood up pretty well, "Lookit. At this point you should realise none of use care about your opinion or your 'gee-my-life-sure-is-bad-better-sit-and-cry-about-it-forever' attitude. Mostly because A.) Gato's a little midget shit hiding behind money and crooked thugs that are so pathetic I'm half certain Kakashi could sneeze in their general direction and they'd fall over dead. B.) He's a predictable twat whose goons are dumber than the bricks Tazuna is using to build his bridge, no offense Tazuna."

"Some taken."

"And C.) Not a single one of us expects for a second that once Zabuza drops that this will continue on. In fact, I have all bets that shit Gato is too stupid to realize that he, as a civilian really shouldn't get on a ninja's bad side and will betray Zabuza to save coin cause it's all he cares about. Then get decapitated by the man he hired to kill your gramps. Inari I want you to do the world a favor and grow up. You have it rough, yes but you still have more than most people. Be thankful."

"ROUGH?! THANKFUL?! What do you and your cushy little team know about _real suffering?!_ All of you sleep in your cushy little beds at home, play around with your stupid ninja stuff, _and don't suffer a day in your lives!_ NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT PAIN IS SO GIVE UP YOUR SHITTY KIDDY DREAMS AND LEAVE!"

Killing Intent slammed into the room with a physical weight. The table cracked and splintered, the house groaned in protest, and every single person there went face first into the broken furniture gasping for air. As quickly as it came it went leaving everyone wide eyed and frazzled. There was a slow jerky pan to Naruto who was sitting calmly sipping his coffee.

"Glad I have ya attention. Honestly for a naïve sheltered spoiled brat ya got quite the mouth on ya."

"Who do you-"

" **Shut up. Sit down. Don't speak**."

Inari obeyed.

"I eat people" he said bluntly, "I have a pretty fucked bloodline limit that means even though this deer had a good bit of chakra in it I can't taste it because it isn't raw. Instead of tasting vaguely like undercooked oats sprinkled with veal flavor now it tastes like wet cardboard that stewed with rotten carrots and year old decomposed garlic. It's not because your mom is a bad cook. _I just won't ever be able to eat normal food again._ But it doesn't stop there. I unlocked this by accident. By all accounts I should be a normal ninja doing normal ninja things but unfortunately I'm a freak even by those ninja standards because someone set me up as the scape goat for their traitorous acts against the village. Then, he drove a knife through my ribs and split my heart in half. _I was dead for approximately one minute thirty eight seconds_. But now you're wondering, 'Wouldn't your parents have helped?' No, because they're dead and I never knew them. I. Am. An. Orphan. No mum or dad. Definitely no grandpa giving his all to make sure you don't _starve to death._ You know, like those kids in your village center that cried when I gave them whatever additional scraps of normal foor I carry in case something happens to Sasuke and Sakura's packs. They cried at my feet Inari, they hadn't eaten in _days_. I don't think they'd had clean water for just as long cause every last one of them had early symptoms of malaria. With the state of this country it's very likely they'll die. Out there. In the streets and alley. With no one to miss, remember, or even bury them. Of all of us at this table you have had it the best besides Sakura. _So I'll say again, do the world a favor and grow the fuck up you naïve little shit_."

He stood up and left through the front door, a faint 'Thanks for the food' was the last they heard of him.

"…What'd he mean by the best out of you all?" Tsunami's voice was quiet but still enough to pull attention to the door that had been blown off it's hinges by the irate blonde to her.

Kakashi was the one to speak up, "I lost my dad when I was 6. A mission went wrong and he chose to save the team and not the mission. Instead of praising him for his efforts to save his comrades despite the losses we incurred, they ridiculed him and spat in his face. He hung himself in shame. I was only coming back from the Academy when I found his body swinging from the ceiling. Mum had died during my birth so she wasn't there to fall back on either. Not to mention the horrid end my teammates and sensei met after the Third Great War."

He stood to put his dishes to wash while Sasuke picked up from there, "My entire clan was massacred by my brother. I don't know what had prompted it or why he spared me. All I remember was walking in on him beheading our parents then getting trapped in an advanced Illusion that forced me to watch him murder every single person that had lived there. But **_Tsukuyomi_** isn't so kind. It was three days I was trapped in that illusion and the massacre played in full once every second. Do the math."

He was gone next. Sakura was left but simply shook her head when the stiff and pale family turned to her. "I lived a nice normal life with normal parents doing normal things. Never had a hard day in my life and I'm always thankful for it because of stories like theirs. Somedays are better. Naruto covers it well but he's still coming to terms with his abilities and all their draw backs. Kakashi is so dysfunctional sometimes I worry that he hasn't eaten or slept in days. Sasuke…Sasuke loved Itachi dearly. What happened to him…He ended up in a coma for a week, didn't speak for two months and when he was finally speaking again he was detached. Cold. Wouldn't let anyone in past arms length. Me and Naruto are still worried his nightmare's drive him to train through the night at times. It's not that he can't sleep, he's afraid to. All three of them are really."

And so dinner came to an end.

"Thanks for the food."

" ** _Ikkotsu!_** " The tree Naruto punched became pulp, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BECOME DUST! **_SOKOTSU!_** " twin fists impacted, the falling upper half became splinters. His ire spiked, Kurama's caustic chakra leaked into him, and the next tree wasn't so lucky. " ** _I. SAID. SOKOTSU!_**" The tree _evaporated_.

Naruto's heavy panting was interrupted by clapping. "Not bad idiot." Naruto found Sasuke at his back. Sharingan at stage two and focused on him.

"That question about Advanced Nature Transformation was less of a question and more of a confirmation from Kakashi then? Single Bone and Twin Bone huh?"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, "Yeah, came across it by accident. Had a clone trying to generate Raiton Chakra and goofed. The whole rubbing your chakra together to get it excited got mixed up with my Fuuton exercise which was grinding two blades against each other to form a single unstoppable edge. The overlap resulted in neither Grinding or Rubbing and came out as a Humming. The clone popped in surprise so I made two more to take over my place and the previous Raiton training clone so I could experiment. The harsh vibrations I managed to develop have a tendency to make things crumble to dust. So using the bastardized enhanced strength technique I learned from Tsunade-Baachan as a medium I inflict devastating force and transfer the vibrations. With one hand it's a high penetration shockwave that explodes most things while with two hands the shockwaves collide and Ocelot? Ostritch?"

Sasuke palmed his face, "Oscillate?"

Naruto smirked, "Yeah that! They Oscillate, Resonate, and Amplify the vibrations till they quite literally shake things to dust on a microscopic level! It's stupid powerful but also stupid dangerous. I crumbled the bones in my arms by accident and had to train with Shadow Clones till I had control enough for it no to back fire and vaporize my insides!"

Naruto's boisterous laughter reassured Sasuke the boy was still okay beyond the pain. Wait. "You crumbled your bones to dust?" Naruto scratched his head and blushed, "Was only a bit of my fingers…And most of my forearms" he muttered, "They're better now!"

Sasuke only sighed, palming his face once more. ' _Another item on the list of Uzumaki Naruto's Anomalies. High Speed Regeneration without a medium. Sakura is gonna have a field day. And what in the hell was that Red Chakra? Make that two items._ '

"Whatever. Just don't kill yourself out here. We need you to meat shield for us when Zabuza gets back." He smirked at the Blonde's indignant 'Oi!' and turned back to the house. "Make sure you eat a proper meal too idiot. Trying for Tsunami's sake is all well and good but don't let it become a detriment." And just like that he was gone.

Naruto only scoffed, "Fucking Tsundere. Sweet Kami his Tsundere Bitch Mode must be intense."

Deciding the trees had been punished enough, he sat down and made a couple clones. A set of five for the basic Elemental Natures. And then even more for every dual combination that was possible. Earth-Fire, Earth-Water, Earth-Wind, Earth-Lightning. Fire-Water, Fire-Wind, Fire-Lightning. Water-Lightning, Water Wind. And finally Lightning-Wind which resulted in his special brand of Vibration. He had a theory he could project it as sound waves but couldn't find the right ratio of Lightning:Wind Chakra yet. Hence this exercise. There was already progress in the Fire-Earth category but only because he had found a common ground between the elements. Something he himself had given away during his questioning of Kakashi. Lava. Earth and Fire Moulded together produced Lava. Now it was only a matter of working at moulding the chakras properly at the right ratio.

He was leaning towards a 6.5:4.7 for Fire:Earth but felt it wasn't quite right. Internally moulding it would be too dangerous so he settled for floating pebbles between his palms (suspended by chakra) and slowly infusing the Dual Element Chakra into it and watching the changes. Each clone had a note book to record the ratios because you couldn't just infuse each element individually, they _had_ to be mixed prior for any effect to occur. In the End he wasn't wrong, Advanced Natures can be used by anyone that has the affinity or lack there-of but they would have to experiment with it till they found the right balance of Chakra Natures. Ugh, it was a pain but would be entirely worth it when he could spit lava and immediately swap to something ridiculous like Magnet Release. That one would probably be painful to use. Not only would he have to produce the chakra without instinct to help he'd also have to control whatever type of Dust or Sand he chose as a medium. Crocodile tears streamed down his face as he continued to practice. Last he'd checked his Wind:Fire clone had found something strange in the combination. Something about partitions of Wind:Wind:Wind:Fire:Fire having more effect than a single double ratio. It was weird cause it was still two elements but ran on 3 Partitions of 7.8 parts Wind to 2 Partitions of 6.3 parts Fire. Maybe that's what resulted in Kekkai Tota? Thoughts for another time. He was close to a breakthrough with **_Yoton_** and needed to focus.

"Hey, if you sleep out here you'll catch a cold."

Naruto woke to the gentle rocking of the same strange girl he'd seen picking herbs the day before. Oh and he couldn't smell her. Wait, that wasn't right, she smelt so much like everything around her he couldn't make out her distinct scent till she was right on top of him. How curious.

"Ah thanks for that then. Though I've never gotten sick before and by now I'm convinced it's impossible. Sorry but could I ask your name? I'm Uzumaki Naruto, a pleasure." The girl eyed his extended hand before accepting it and smiling, "Yuki Haku, the pleasure is mine Shinobi-san."

Naruto's head tilted. Ah right. Hitae-ate.

"So what're you doing out here at", he squinted up at the sun, "8:35 in the morning?"

She simply gestured to the familiar wicker basket by her legs, half full with herbs, spices, medicinal plants, plants for tea, and mushrooms.

"Wave is not very rich on resources right now. I have to gather them. My father contracted a rather nasty cold himself", Naruto ignored the fact that the herbs she had were for burn treatment, "so I'm out gathering. A pretty face like me isn't exactly safe in town right now."

Naruto only nodded, "Allow me to help then" a quick look about the clearing revealed the remainders of pulped trees and area of suspiciously burnt out ground, "Perhaps a ways away then?" he chuckled nervously while the Haku only looked amused.

They got up and moved further out away from Tazuna's house and closer to a nearby creek that let out into the ocean behind them. It was peaceful, just walking about picking herbs and flowers and swapping what knowledge they had about individual species and how preparation affected efficacy and so on. It was nice.

"Were you training Naruto-sam?"

"Hmm? In the clearing? Yeah. Need to keep moving forward after all. In the Shinobi world Stagnation is synonymous with 'Dead'. To think yourself the strongest ever, is to invite disaster. Abandon your fear and never stop moving forward! Hesitate and you will age! Turn back and you will die!"

Haku took over, "Go forth and pierce the Heavens! Zangetsu!"

Naruto stared, "You read Bleach?"

Haku only giggled, "Mighty brave of you to quote manga at a me."

Naruto and Haku's conversation only picked up from there, both sharing their favorites and lamenting the lack of updates to their preferred small time manga.

Haku tittered before sobering, "Naruto? Do you have something precious to you?"

Sakura, Sasuke, Ayame, Teuchi, Hiruzen, Shizune, Kakashi, Tsunade and Yugao flashed through his head, "Yeah… I do. It took a while but…they're the best."

Haku nodded, "Then I believe you will be beyond strong. True strength, is found when you have something precious to protect after all. I thank you for this Naruto-kun. It was fun!"

Naruto watched as she turned and left. "Oh. By the way, I'm a boy."

Haku was privy to Naruto's laughter, "No you're not! I can smell the difference, good try though." He winked, "Though I can't say it would be much of a problem if you were." His brow wriggled suggestively leaving the girl to blush hotly. She quickly made her retreat, Naruto's voice ringing behind her, "That's my win Haku-chan!"

She walked faster to save herself further embarrassment.

"Oy, I brought food."

"That looks suspiciously like regular food Naruto."

The Blonde rolled his eyes and carved an entire rear leg off the large deer he'd dragged in. Luck was with him when he bagged the large Stag. It wasn't minor summons level but it had quite a bit of chakra flowing through it so it at least tasted fine rather than bland. Taking a large bite out of the raw leg he gestured to the rest of it along with some wild chives, mushrooms, carrots, and potatoes. The last two were a really lucky find. Throw in the antlers he'd stored he might earn some cash from the Nara if the quality was good enough.

"I get to eat now, you unfortunate sods have to cook first. Or at least get Tsunami to do it. Besides I met Zabuza's companion, the Hunter Nin." That got immediate attention. "It was chance she was grabbing herbs and veggies but she has some pretty good medical experience in that field. I expect Zabuza should be functional in 3 days. 100% in 5 if he rests but he seems like the type to hold a grudge and jump at the first opportunity to strike back. The traps on the bridge still set?" Kakashi nodded, "Then we have three days to polish up." He carved the other rear leg off. "Gonna go polish up some stuff, catch y'all in a bit." He promptly wandered back to the clearing he'd been practicing in. Setting the remainder of the leg aside and sealing it, he charged his hands with chakra, placing them together in a prayer, "Let's see how well this works." He slammed his hands in to the Earth and watched with satisfaction as a hellfire glow suffused the clearing. Then the ground began to melt.

Eyes glinting as the surface of the clearing in front of him became molten, he couldn't keep the satisfaction from welling inside him.

"Perfect. Now for the rest."

 **OOOooOOOooOooOOOooOOO**

Three days passed at speed. Team Seven arrived at the bridge and found exactly what they'd expected. It was empty (glad to see the men had followed instructions) and an annoyed Zabuza waiting for them in the middle of it. Judging by the slight singes and odd shallow cut they could tell they'd done something right.

"Hoo boy those traps musta really stuck in ya craw Invisa-Brows!"

Zabuza glared at the mouthy blonde. Growling he stepped forward, only stopped by a pale hand that pulled him back. They watched as the Hunter Nin stepped out from behind him and stood ready beside the assassin.

"Talk is cheap."

Zabuza charged, the Hunter Nin shot for Tazuna. Naruto and Sasuke stopped the Masked figure short while 'Tazuna' puffed into smoke. Sakura stood back peppering Zabuza with Kunai while Kakashi advanced, headband tilted up and Sharingan spinning full force.

The battle for Wave had begun.

 **CLANG-CLANG-THUD!**

Kakashi and Zabuza were exchanging blows too fast for Sakura to even hope to be useful. Taking the opportunity (and burning half her chakra reserves) she sank into the bridge and out of the way of the two Jonin. As soon as she was gone she felt the pace pick up on Kakashi's end. Within 4 blows and the way the sparks curved around her it didn't take long to realise that Zabuza was shamelessly targeting her while Kakashi had to fight to protect her. Back on the surface Kakashi went from Jonin Instructor to ruthless blood soaked ANBU within a split second. Zabuza disengaged quickly but still ended up having to block six kunai and dodge another three hidden in the shadows of the first. Kakashi's hand promptly punched straight through his chest, dissolving Zabuza into water. Thick mist swallowed the bridge. Then Kakashi's head was neatly separated from his shoulders.

Zabauza smirked beneath his bandages, at least until the severed head eye-smiled at him.

"You…You're a bit of a one trick pony aren't you Zabuza?"

Kakashi's body splashed into water as well, covering a fair portion of the area they'd been clashing in. The hair tingling on the back of his neck was all that saved him from being electrocuted again. Zabuza thanked his lucky stars he'd jumped when he had. The 'toaster in a bathtub' experience was one he had no intention of repeating.

"Awww!" Zabuza could _hear_ the pout in the other man's voice, "You managed to dodge my **_Raiton: Kangekiha_**. Couldn't you have been good and just be immobilized?"

Zabuza's brow furrowed in consternation, "Are you sure you can afford to take me down without lethal intent Hatake. You over estimate yourself."

"No~No~! I have no such preconceptions", ' _Fuck! He's as good at throwing his voice as I am!_ ', "It's just a little bet I have going on with my students. You see, Gato is a very special type of scum. Too much money to spend. Too much Greed to contain. And too much stupidity to fix either before they get him killed. It also makes him woefully predictable." Zabuza didn't like where this is going, "But that's neither here nor there. You attacked when I was hoping for a bit of diplomacy and while I would I have been fine with you just coming after me you tried to lay a hand on my cute little Genin." The tingling was back full force. He swung around, blade already sweeping at hip height. Demon of the Mist or no, watching Kakashi Hatake barrel roll completely unconcerned over his blade, barely two feet of him was terrifying. The glowing red trail his implanted Sharingan left as he twisted over the blade only added to the effect, "Because of that I'm afraid I have to rough you up a bit. Do try not to die now Mr. Demon. It would be a shame to bury you here."

Kakashi lunged, kunai charged with lighting. Zabuza hastily hoisted his blade between them. Kakashi took a chunk out of it, residual lighting chakra making Zabuza's hand tingle.

The Demon of the Mist looked down at the chipped and crumbled edge of his prized blade, "If I apologised would it help?"

"Yes, but beating the shit out of you will do me so much better."

"…Fuck."

' _Left, Right, Duck, Sweep, Rising Back Kick, Front Kick, Spin!_ '

"EAT SHIT!" Rotating rapidly on his hand, Naruto's punishing wind mill of blows forced the Hunter Nin back. Senbon drawn the masked Nuke-Nin was forced into close range bladed combat with Sasuke who'd abused Naruto's rotations to launch himself. The Blonde was close behind, coming in just in time to eat boot. Sasuke winced as he heard Naruto's nose break, locking blades with the Nin before throwing his remaining Kunai. The Fake ANBU kicked his wrist up making the shot go high.

"I have you at a disadvantage now", Sasuke was genuinely confused, "Both your hands are occupied, while I still have one free."

' _One-Handed Seals?! Shit!_ '

" ** _Sensatsu Suish_** - **BLERGH!** "

Naruto's heavy kick sent them spiralling down the bridge. He promptly snapped his nose back into place, watching as half formed water needles fell all around him and Sasuke.

He spat blood, "Anyone ever tell you if you talk to much in battle ya likely ta bit ya tongue? No? They shoulda."

Haku barely made it to her feet before she was under pressure again. The boys swapped like a dance. Naruto high Sasuke low. Naruto Left, Sasuke Right. It was amazing to watch but frustrating. The only opening she'd seen was when Naruto leapt into a high kick. She was sure the Senbon would drill into him but Sasuke simply grabbed his lower leg and pulled him down towards the ground. Naruto put the momentum to good use and from his extended position dropped an axe kick on her. She was no fool, she'd seen the damage Naruto had caused to the clearing and blocked overhead with crossed arms. The raw power still forced her to kneel and that was when Sasuke slid beneath Naruto and caught her square in the face with the flat of his sandals. Naruto quickly grabbed the brunette by the back leg and tossed him up, the Uchiha flipped once before rocketing down with a twin stomp that shattered the concrete Haku had just vacated. She rolled into a kick and pushed right back into the Uchiha when Naruto's leg collided with her. Sasuke delivered the previously missed high kick sending her spinning once more.

" **SOKOTSU!** " Haku prayed he didn't have strength enough to obliterate her abdomen. And while he did, there was no chakra in the blow. It still hurt like hell though.

"Damn Dobe. I thought for a second we'd be cleaning up chunky salsa but you really held back."

"I did say we were only here to hold them up. The real show doesn't start till later anyway."

"I have no clue what you're talking about, but there will be no later for either of you. **_Hijutsu: Makyo Hyoshou!_** "

21 mirrors of ice domed them in. "Oy! Oy! Oy! Ain't this a bit much? Haku-chan?"

She faltered briefly. Unclipping her mask, "You knew…Since when?"

The blonde shrugged at her, "Since always. Really, it wasn't hard to piece together after we met in the forest. Kakashi explained what happened in Mizu no Kuni and why Zabuza was a Nukenin after the first battle with him. After we met in the forest and you spoke of him as your father-" there was twin snarling roars and the sound of crashing waves. Like the ocean picked a fist fight with itself.

" _Naughty Naughty Zabuza must be spanked. Hold still and suffer!_ "

" _I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!_ "

" ** _SUITON: SUIRYUUDAN!_** " "KYAAAAAA~!"

Naruto face palmed and glanced at Sasuke, "Whose supposed to be whose caretaker again? I think I missed a memo somewhere." Sasuke only shared the blonde's exasperation. "Look, regardless. Kakashi won't kill Zabuza-" " **PERISH!** " "-I think. But we expect Gato to pull some stupid shit and while I have all bets Zabuza wants to murder us we have something called our 'Collective Survival' to worry about. If we're wrong and Gato doesn't show up we'll pick this whole murder each other thing up later okay?"

He girl nodded hesitantly before dispersing the mirrors.

"Come on, let's go make sure Kakashi only maims Zabuza instead of murdering him. Kami knows the man will claim they start with the same letter and therefore are interchangeable. Ugh… He gives me such a headache sometimes." Sasuke didn't bother to point out the hypocrisy of the statement, simply patting Naruto's shoulder as he strolled past.

"… **Sokotsu** huh? Otaku much."

"Shut up Ms. Boys-Love."

Naruto strolled off followed by an intensely blushing Haku, "The plot is really good though…"

 **OOOoo~ooOoOoo~ooOO**

After Sakura had popped up through the ground every single non-Jonin stared blankly at the sight of Zabuza trussed like a prized hog.

Kakashi eye-smiled placidly, "Yo. Have fun?"

Naruto sighed and shrugged, "Got my nose broken again. I swear if it wasn't for my natural healing rate- is that a ball gag? Yes it's a- Kakashi-sensei why did you ball gag Zabuza. Actually better question why do you even _have_ a ball gag?" Kakashi opened his mouth, "Actually? Fuck it. I don't care. I'd rather have my nose broken again let's just sit and wait. Anyone up for Monopoly?"

He received raised eyebrows, save Zabuza who was bound and gagged and lacking in the eyebrow department.

"They're already our enemies I suppose, might as well make them hate us more before we befriend them. Speaking of which, dibs Car."

Naruto could only smile cheekily as the others viciously cursed his name, bloodline, and progeny. Too bad they didn't get far.

"Well, well, well Looks like the Baby Demon can't- is that a ball gag?"

Suddenly Zabuza was free and wielding the full length of Kubikirihoucho.

"Ah Gato! Just the traitorous midget I _wasn't_ expecting! Thanks to these Konoha Nin I find my true enemy was closer than expected!"

Gato trembled but still managed a strong front. He sneered, "Konoha Ninja! You'd better kill him! Or else I'll have my men kill Tazuna's daugh-"

"Those chumps?" Naruto idly picked his nose before flicking a booger in Gato's general direction, "Yeah, Shadow Clones are more than enough for wannabe punks like them. What kind of name was Waraji anyway? And what the other guy was Zori or something stupid?" Gato was actually trembling with rage now, "What seriously?! That's fucking hilarious! Kami his parents hated him! Oh, by the way Inari is on the way here with he entire population of wave armed to the teeth."

Gato and his army paled, turned, and found the road they'd come from had turned into a small pocket of hell. Lava pit included. Their boats were also sinking rapidly.

Naruto sighed in satisfaction, "Ah~ Shadow Clones."

Gato whimpered pitifully.

"I told you he was the kind of idiot to do something stupid and get decapitated by the dude he hired, cause civilian with more money than brains."

Inari simply continued to look starstruck as he and Naruto ambled about the bridge, a stack of I-beams on both shoulders and a few carried by his tails. Zabuza was helping as well since there was no violent face off, Naruto had convinced him to battle it out on the bridge and see who could lift more by the end of the day. Between the two 50% of the materials needed had already been moved. Naruto did feel cheated as well and unleashed four of his 'tails' to help him learn control and give him an edge against the experienced Jonin.

There actually wasn't a total freak out about his Bloodline once he'd explained. Zabuza had simply shrugged.

"So you eat people, big whoop. The Kaguya tear their spines out and use 'em as whips. Eating people doesn't really bug me in comparison. It's like Chakra Absorption Techniques except the other person dies and you end up full." And that was that. Naruto had even been pestered about his ability to control lava. That had quickly died when he unsealed 27 notebooks filled cover to cover with notes on chakra ratios and density along with the mathematical breakdowns of what constitutes 'One Part' of any chakra. If that wasn't enough the detailed descriptions of how each individual change in the ratios affected the overall end goal bored even Sakura. He'd sighed and said he just wished he knew how ice worked.

"Hmm? Oh, It's Wind and Water." They had immediately lost Naruto for 32 hours before Kakashi dragged him kicking and screaming back out to socialize. Eventually Zabuza had enough (he lost the weight competition to Naruto. Uzumaki stamina and multiple limbs for the win!) and point blank challenged Naruto to a one on one. Naruto held his own pretty well but lost in the end. However, Zabuza still cringed involuntarily when ever he hears **Sokotsu**. Haku shared in this while Naruto typically ends up chortling at them.

"I wasn't gonna kill you even if Gato hadn't betrayed you! Sure there may have ended up being some violent maiming but I'm sure you'd've gotten better!"

"Idiot. No one else can just regrow any vital organ that isn't their brain or heart like you can."

Naruto tilted his head at Sasuke, "Really? Wow, sucks to be you guys!"

Sasuke scoffed, "At least we can eat ramen."

Naruto immediately fell to knees and elbows, head resting on the ground in despair, a puddle of tears already forming beneath him.

"I KNOW! I HATE IT! IT SUCKS! RAMEN I'M SORRY! I'M NOTHING BUT A HEATHEN! TRASH! SCUM! FILTHY COCKAROACH I'VE BETRAYED YOU!" **SOB!**

There was a collective sweatdrop from all those within range, Haku jabbed a thumb, "He always like this about ramen?" Naruto by now had devolved to flopping around uselessly like a fish out of water, crying throughout the whole episode. Sasuke ignored his rambling, 'GRUB! BUG! USELESS BEING! I'M NOT EVEN SYMMETRICAL!' and nodded once.

"Here's the thing. Naruto's strong. Naruto is loyal. Naruto is funny. But first and foremost, Naruto is an idiot." Sasuke and Haku walked off to be useful, leaving Naruto to assume foetal position on the ground behind them.

"RA-HA-MEEENNNN~~~~!" **SOB SOB SOB!**

Just like that the bridge was finished and Team Seven plus some guests were on the way to Konoha. Naruto had cried tears (this time of joy) when they'd named the bridge Ashura's Crossing after him. The group were treated to the sight of Inari and Naruto blubbering together while Tsunami held them both and cooed calmingly. Kakashi was surprised he managed to keep his face out of his palm the whole time. Eventually they'd given up and wrapped Naruto like a burrito in a blanket and carried him over one shoulder, all the while listening to his tearful 'goodbyes' and 'I'll always remember you's and 'Sorry I'm too young to be a father but thanks for the panties'-wait wut? They checked, and indeed there was a pair of frilly lace panties on Naruto's head and a blushing Tsunami waving excitedly after him.

By the time they could gather their wits, Naruto was walking beside them again having pocketed the panties. He noticed their mortified staring (Save Kakashi and Zabuza who both shed a single manly tear for the boy), "What?" he shrugged, "Old enough to kill, old enough to drink, old enough to…" He patted the pocket meaningfully, "Well, you get the picture."

He whistled merrily while Sasuke managed to pinch his nose in frustration without actually using his hands.

Sakura and Haku however…Well they were both in dreamland. An unfortunate incident at the hot springs had showed them more of Naruto than they ever thought they'd see… It wasn't a bad view though.

Sasuke shuddered as both girls began giggling behind him, a single line of blood dripped from their noses.

" _Huehuehuehuehuehue~_ "

 **A/N: That's the chapter. Now onto Reviews which I had initially discouraged. People like Mr. Idiot Mc. Can't-Read are the reason I wanted to avoid Reviews. There's no real reason why people flame. It's just cause they're pathetic and too cowardly to pursue their own works and because someone else made the tiniest of mistakes or actually had the courage to try they feel the need to tear those people down in an effort to feel better about their sad sack lives. But that's none of my business *sips tea*.**

 **Now then about Reviews. Here's what I want from a review if I get one.**

 **1.)** **A compliment, if you feel this story entertains you or has brought some enjoyment to your life.**

 **2.)** **Constructive Criticism. 'You are a retard' is not constructive. Identify the issue, where it occurred, and how I can fix it to help improve your enjoyment of the story.**

 **3.)** **Suggestions. I read Fanfiction avidly. I love the amazing ideas people have and they turn out to be the inspiration behind a lot of the things I write. You'll actually find quite a few references in my work farther down the line though most will be sourced from Manga I read or Anime I watch. That said, please feel free to shoot me cool ideas or concepts you think might be relevant to the story, just be polite about it.**

 **Last thing I promise. Thanks for sticking along so far! If you've read to this point you've put time and effort into this story. I'll try and make sure I don't disappoint! Chapter 4 is almost done by the way and hopefully by the time I'm ready to post that Chapter 5 will be half finished. Be prepared though~~! Pure ridiculousness will be on the way!**

 ***Maniacal Cackling!***


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: It's Not Proper Training if There Isn't a Chance You'll Die**

 **Alternatively Titled: "It's a good kind of sore." "…You cut my arm off." "Builds character."**

 **A/N: Hullo again! This chapter is a lot more adventurous in the happenings since I feel like I copped out with the battle on the bridge so expect more fight scenes and bit more explanation on Team Seven's power growth. The actual scale I put in for how Shinobi rank is more for my benefit since it gives me flexibility with how ridiculous characters are in terms of strength. Sorry I didn't keep my word though. Chapter 5 will be started from scratch soon but the content should be pretty hefty. In the mean time enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: All together now! I don't own either Tokyo Ghoul or Naruto. Plus Ultra(Tears)!**

Naruto stood across from Haku who was fiddling with her new Konoha head band. Zabuza was already back at their new apartment, shared in the same building as Naruto's new apartment. Predictably, Hiruzen had nearly needed medical attention for the sheer amount of stress Naruto had given him when he kicked down the office door with an A-Rank Nuke Nin and the last of the nigh extinct Yuki clan in tow. Hiruzen hadn't even bother. The papers had been pulled up, signed, stamped, and pushed through at record speed. He'd claimed that Naruto (as an honorary member of the T&I Division) could vouch for them. He'd beaned Naruto in the head with their new Hitai-ates, pulled a large bottle of Sake out from his desk, and kicked his feet up. He dismissed Team Seven with a pleasant, "Y'all are getting an A-Rank pay now get out. And Naruto? Cause more trouble for me and I'll ensure you never leave the village again."

Naruto being Naruto snapped a sharp salute, chirped a cheerful, "Aye Sir!", and jumped through his recently replaced window.

Team Seven plus Zabuza and Haku beat a hasty retreat when the Sandaime started breathing flames (literally) and only Haku was ballsy enough (ironic since, you know, girl and all.) to jump out the remains of the window after the Naruto. The blonde's cackling was heard village wide.

Now he and Haku were facing off again, mostly because Naruto didn't get a chance to go all out besides his battle with Zabuza, Kakashi was late as usual, Sasuke was burning through the notes he'd made about Advanced Elemental Manipulation, and Sakura was on her 600th push up with a boulder twice her size resting on her shoulders with no sign of slowing down. So Naruto opted to fight Haku.

"Hajime", Sasuke's intonation set them off and a split second later Naruto and Haku clashed. Fist met elbow block and off hand turned into a palm strike. Palm strike redirected with knife hand chop, transitions into a simultaneous High/Low blow. Both are blocked and caught before a rotating jump picked her up off her feet into a throw. Half a somersault let's her land feet first, sliding and twisting on her back into a rising double kick, using their locked arms to pull him in. A jump and full somersault sends him over her kick, arms straight once more and behind her. Releasing her arms and sliding into a low sweep, dodged with a kip-up into handstand and rotating kick. Momentum arrested with a caught foot while lashing out at undefended midsection. A nimble twist puts Haku at Naruto's flank where an elbow collapses his knee and drops him before the free leg comes in at an over head axe.

Naruto does the unorthodox and falls on his back, catching the kick with his own leg before rolling into a flair that sweeps Haku's arms sending her to her back. Naruto joins her an instant later when Senbon threaten to skewer him. From there short jabs, blocks, and punches are exchanged with the odd knee and kick in the middle of their tussle. Both hell bent on abusing the lack of profile their prone forms provided making hits difficult to land and easy to block. At least until Naruto catches Haku's palm strike and uses it for an impromptu Snake Seal. There's a puff of smoke and Haku rolls away and to her feet now facing down two blondes instead of one. She already knows she can't face them both and unrolls a scroll at her feet. Keeping them back with thrown weapons she stomps on it, letting a well of water spout from it and provide her with a much needed terrain advantage. Naruto isn't so keen on letting her abuse it, an **_Ikkotsu_** shatters the ground nearest him siphoning some of the water away. This only means that Haku's **_Sensatsu Suisho_** forms further away and less numerous rather than not at all. The barrage quickly claims his clone after Naruto uses it as a spring board to safety and twists, hands locked in a Ram Seal. His right fist ignited with sparks that intensified into crackling electricity, " ** _Raiton Dan: Ibuki!_** " the projectile lightning bolt rammed into dry ground. The water he'd been hoping to conduct it through now surrounded him on all sides.

" ** _Hyoton Hijutsu: Makyo Hyoshou_** "

Haku's image appeared in every mirror, a split-second later Naruto's Kakugan flared to life and his 'tails' burst forth the blossom at the end already sporting the twisted spire of RC Cells. Naruto's stance immediately became more feral, his tails spiraled around him. A second later Haku launches her assault and Chakra flares on his limbs. Naruto spun up into a rotating dome of tearing fangs. There was a rapid fire set of clangs before the barrage let up and Naruto came to a standstill. At least 50 Senbon hand found their way into Naruto's body and extremities while Haku's Kimono was shredded. Naruto was a porcupine, Haku looked like she'd tackle hugged a belt sander.

The temperature dropped rapidly and frost started to crawl over the ground, Naruto's chakra flared his shirt shredded as two insectoid red 'wings' sprouted out of his shoulder blades and his tails multiplied to four. Haku wasn't having it. When it started snowing Naruto knew it was time to push limits. His wings multiplied to four, the joints connecting to his shoulders turned black. They framed the bottom half of the limbs in a crescent moon with a single black 'eye' each radiating pulsing veins into the wings them self. Then four more tails slithered out. Segmented Red plates with the same black 'eye' spot separated by flexible Black 'muscle'. The outside edge of each segment holding a single shark like tooth and the end of each tail terminated in a curved blade that strongly resembled half of a Earwig's pincer. Except glowing red and sharp as a nightmare.

The skin around Naruto's neck was starting to turn black as well, inching up his face as the veins around his eyes broadened, it was almost as if a mask was forming around his eyes…

Sasuke and Sakura had to beat a hasty retreat already watching in fascination as the two titans clashed. They spoke simultaneously.

"" _Try not to die!_ ""

Spears of ice materialized out of falling snow only to be shredded by bladed tails, mirrors formed in intermittent area only to be pierced though by feathered tails. Senbon were stopped short by twisting and extending wings. Spearing tails were frozen solid and immobilized only to be freed by bladed ones. Wings were shackled by chains of permafrost only to be strained then snapped by crushing blows. Maces and Hammers of ice fell from the heavens. Great gouts of flame fueled by harsh tearing winds blasted them to shards that quickly formed into more ice spears that shattered on impact with chakra charged wings.

" ** _SOKOTSU!_** "

" ** _OCHIRŪ KŌRI RYU!_** "

Twin fists clashed with diving ice dragon and the clearing exploded under the force of the colliding blows. When the air cleared and they could see again, Naruto was buried upside down up to his knees in snow while Haku was embedded in a tree.

"…Draw?" came the blonde's voice.

Haku let out a hacking cough and spat blood from where she'd bitten the inside of her cheek. Or lost a tooth. It could be either with the way her head was ringing.

"Draw." She confirmed. There was muted sloshing before Naruto popped out of the snow back. Wings and tails trailed idly behind him, only becoming active again to help him balance and anchor himself as he broke the upper half of the tree Haku was trapped in off. Hauling it over his shoulders and to the ground, the tree cracked on impact with the hard, flash-frozen earth. Only when Haku was back on stable feet did Naruto let his Kagune recede along with his Kakugan.

He smiled at Haku, "Hey, good match."

Haku tittered, "The same to you as well Uzumaki-kun."

Naruto groaned, "It's Naruto! Na-Ru-To~! None of this Uzumaki crap!"

Haku only fluttered her eyes, "As you say Uzumaki-kun."

Naruto's blank expression lasted long enough to flick her in the forehead. Before she could recover there was a light chop that bent her over at the waist.

"Itai~"

"Don't be cheeky Haku, I'll have to punish you otherwise."

She pouted at him, "Mou~ Naru-kun is a meanie."

His eye twitched, "If Ayame doesn't stop spreading that nickname I'll burn her reading stash."

Across Konoha, a certain brown-haired waitress felt shivers crawl up her spine. She made a special note to be extra nice to Naruto in the coming days.

But that was neither here nor there. What was here, was Kakashi, giving a completely bland look at the ruined training ground.

"You do realize Kurenai will never let us borrow her training ground again right?"

Naruto only shrugged, "Serves you right for not being here to supervise. Besides! Couple of Earth Jutsu and the place will be spick and span!"

Kakashi's visible eyebrow raised, "And the ice?"

Naruto pointed at Haku who had already gathered the majority of the ice above he scroll and sealed it away. Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose but waved for them to fall in regardless.

"I have some important news. Haku this doesn't apply to you but I want you to listen in since I get the feeling you'll be asked for help a lot." The three Genin and single Chunin ("It's not fair-ttebayo! The hell old man?!") paid rapt attention. "The Chunin exams are coming up in about a Month and a half and I feel like you guys are more than ready. Sakura can crush steel with her chakra enhanced strength, though I'm not sure if I'm more happy or terrified," Sakura flashed a V-for Victory and flexed, "Sasuke, between the studying you do with Naruto and straight talent you're on the way to being one of the strongest Genin we've had since the last Generation of Miracles. Naruto. You've adapted well to having your entire life get turned on it's head and have made leaps and bound in progress not just through Shadow Clones but genuine dedication and hard work. You've all improved drastically from the naïve brats I picked up at the start of this who only worked together because the alternative was humiliation. Now you move as a team, work as a team, fight as a team, and improve as a team because you want to. And that makes me incredibly proud."

Kakashi's eye-smile was so genuine none of Team Seven could meet his eyes. They all looked way bashfully, blushing lightly at such high praise from their usually apathetic sensei.

"But you aren't quite Chunin yet. At least not to me. I want you all at least hovering around High Chunin to Low Jonin by the time we start because Log knows these exams can mean disaster at the worst time. It is expected although not encouraged for competitors to kill one another in these exams so we'll be kicking it up quite a bit. Naruto, you've gotten the hang of your position as a Ninjutsu Savant, but you've only _maintained_ your skill as a Taijutsu user when you've clearly shown just as much promise in that field as your preferred one. Sakura you face the exact opposite problem. Where your brief training sessions with Tsunade see you improve leaps and bounds as a budding Nin-Taijutsu user, your insane chakra control and photographic memory means that you have the makings of a legendary Genjutsu user but haven't touched the subject in favor of basic medical training. That's not a bad thing but your ability to memorize details means you could trap an enemy in an illusion so life like and realistic they'd never know they'd been tagged. Not to mention control like that means you can double and triple layer Genjutsu with far less trouble than others who would have to dedicate years to accomplish the same. Sasuke you are the most well balanced of the team but that doesn't give you a specialization like your teammates to overwhelm your opponents with."

Kakashi met each Genin's determined gaze, "The focus for the next month and a half will be polishing your already established preferences, while we improve and shore up your short-comings. Sakura, congratulations. You now have enough Chakra to make 5 Shadow Clones. Though with your ability to take in information I'd only recommend 3 at most before you overload your brain and slam yourself into a coma. Naruto, your first order of business will be to teach her how, then she'll be helping me hammer Taijustu forms and technique into your head while your clones polish up your Ninjutsu. Will you have **_Shakuton_** finalized by the time the exams roll around?" Naruto made a more-or-less gesture and Kakashi nodded. "Then ensure you have the basics of it down and set it aside, you've shown enough control and speed that I can pass on the few **_Yoton_** techniques I've copied over time to you as well. Finally Sasuke. Your Fire affinity frankly terrifies me, so I'm giving you clearance to upgrade to B-Rank Fire Techniques and low grade A-Ranks. You know your Chakra capacity, don't over do it. Your Lightning style gets the same pass but no A-Ranks unless absolutely necessary. I have one I want to pass down to the three of you seeing as none of you have any issues with **_Raiton_** while Sasuke might get more since he'll need them. Finally we'll polish up your Taijusu training with high yield speed and strength training. Expect to forget what it feels like to _not be_ sore for a while. Haku, these kids of mine are exceptional, no doubt, but they don't have experience. I asked a favor," a massive cleaver flew through the air and was once more caught. This time by Sakura who grinned at Zabuza's impressed look, "And Zabuza has agreed to help out as well. I had to promise him a couple more fights with you Naruto so I hope you don't mind taking the brunt of the punishment."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "As long as he doesn't cut my arm off again."

Zabuza smirked and shrugged, "Said it once I'll say it again brat, a little dismemberment builds character."

Naruto's Kaugan flashed and a manic grin blossomed on his face, "Hold still then. Let me help you 'Build some Character' Zabu-tan."

Killing-Intent flared off the Ex-Missing Nin as lightning flashed between the two.

They broke off he stare down with shared scoffs.

Kakashi just eye-smiled, "Well then let's get to it!"

Team Seven frowned, "Right now?"

Kakashi pulled a kunai and lifted his headband revealing a whirling Sharingan.

"Yup! No time to waste and all that! And like Haku said," they shared a worried gulp as his eyes glinted menacingly, " _Try not to die!_ "

Team Seven succeeded, but sometimes it was a bit too close for comfort.

"You back again? Brat?"

"Honestly Ibiki you need a new line. Every time I walk in here it's always the same thing!" Naruto made a visible but accurate impression of Ibiki's gruff expression and equally gruff tone, "'Back again? Brat?' and then Crazy Snake Lady will tackle hug me while screaming about her favorite Gaki."

Ibiki raised a brow. "She has today off."

Naruto squinted at Ibiki, "You really think that'll stop her? Oy, Ibiki ya better be careful old age is starting to take off with your mind."

Ibiki scoffed, "I'm only 27." He sweat-dropped at Naruto's dumbstruck visage, "It's not that surprising, is it?"

Naruto only nodded, "It's cause you frown like an old man whose wife is nagging at him for inane things but can't say anything about it otherwise she'll smack him with a ladle or Log forbid a frying pan."

 _At the Nara Household_

Nara Shikaku sneezed violently ' _What a pain!_ '

"Skikaku are to listening to me! I'm telling you that the deer population needs cataloguing again because the profits for the antlers we sell fell 230ryo last month! Oy! Shikaku!"

He made the mistake of yawning.

 **CLANG! CLONG! BONG! CRACK!**

Nara Yoshino stomped away from her insensate husband with a heavily dented frying pan in hand.

"Maybe if you'd stop frowning so much it wouldn't be so- **BLERGH!** "

Naruto was bowled over by a brown and tan blur before it revealed Mitarashi Anko standing with the blonde cuddled to her chest.

"Snuggle~ Snuggle~ My favorite Gaki came by to play! How ya been Gaki! Yu-chan keeps buggin' me cause she hasn't seen you in too long!"

She pulled his face from her cleavage long enough for him to breath before she buried him back.

"Mou~ You've gotten so tall and strong! Where'd all these muscles come from?! Anko-neechan is worried now! You're growing up too fast! What's a girl to do when her little brother moves off into the world and leaves her behind! Poor Anko-neechan is gonna get left by the roadside without any hugs or love anymore~ Buu~!"

Ibiki was having a mild breakdown. They were 4 stories underground where the hell had she come from. Anko was pouting and despite knowing that the blonde and Anko were on good terms there was nothing that ever said they got on this well.

"Anko he needs air."

"Eh? Oh, hello Ibiki-sempai."

Naruto took grateful lungfuls of air while he had the chance. He managed to turn so he could face Ibiki while Anko snuggled him her chest. At least this way he could breath. Though he doubted he looked very dignified with the Tokubetsu Jonin draped over him with her cheek smooshed against his head. He gave Ibiki a bland look, "See what I mean?"

Ibiki ignored Anko's cheery 'Naru-tan came to visit! Anko-neechan happy~!' and gave the blonde a sympathetic grimace.

"Anywho, you here to earn some cash or are ya here for a meal supply?"

Naruto kept pace with he man, even with Anko clinging to him like a limpet, "Mostly the latter and possibly the prior if I can get a quick snack out of it."

Ibiki nodded and led the way, he had the perfect subjects for the blond to tackle.

 **oOoOOooOooOOoOo**

Naruto walked into the interrogation room, two people with strange music note headbands sneered at him. Naruto paid them no mind as he set a chair with the back facing them and straddled it lazily.

He only eyed them briefly before sighing, they'd probably take forever to break. He hoped thy didn't push him too far.

"Hullo you poor unfortunate bastards. I'll be your interrogator today, though, I should warn you ahead of time I have no intention of torturing you. What I will do, will however be excruciatingly painful and traumatizing. If you'd rather stay in one piece and not mentally broken through the sheer amount of pain you'll experience spill your proverbial guts and your literal ones will stay inside you."

They stared. Then they started laughing. Naruto only sighed, "It's idiots like you that suffer for no particular reason and end up blubbering messes in the end", he pulled his jacket off, "Don't say I didn't give you a chance."

The first returned to sneering, "You think we're scared of a brat that talks big! HA! If this was supposed to be a scare tactic it's failing miserably!"

The second one only nodded.

Naruto simply joined in the nodding, confusing them. "Understandable except you're both idiots that don't think. Scare tactic? No, I'm just unique. See I could be Jonin in rank and I'd still not be let down here due to my age. The issue is that I have a very unique body disposition. The shortest version is that I eat people," they blanched but held up a brave front, "And despite living people tasting better than dead I prefer the latter because of how my body chemistry interacts with regular people."

Without warning he was at the second's back and sinking his teeth into and through his clavicle.

The man's screams were vehement but Naruto didn't stop till there was a brutal 'Crack!' and with a squelch he tore a bite out of the man. His screaming intensified, his body thrashing in protests as liquid fire roared though his body. His chakra was spiking all over the place, his pain receptors firing in overdrive. Naruto turned the man so his partner could see the hole he'd bitten into his shoulder, the shattered and fragmented end of the left over bone near his neck and the curious lack of blood despite how hard the man was screaming and flailing.

Naruto gagged the man to muffle the frantic screaming. "See, my saliva has a couple unique chemicals in it. The first is a powerful coagulant so live prey doesn't bleed out before I let them", the man whimpered a the sound of the brutal crunching Naruto put out before swallowing his comrades _fucking shoulder_ with a satisfied gulp, "the second is that it heightens adrenaline and chakra flow which is very important. See your body has cells separate to your blood cells that are sourced in your bone marrow called RC Cells. They produce, distribute, and generally aide your body in any given chakra related matter you can think of. They also taste _amazing_ when the body goes into panic mode. The second thing my saliva does to help that is attack your nervous system and make everything you feel about a hundred times more potent. For example," Naruto flung a dart into he other man's arm. He watched as the liquid in the glass bulb drained into his arm. Suddenly the wood against his forearm was _too_ rough. The ropes binding him felt like they were squeezing his _bones_ and the cold on his skin _burned_ like frost bite.

Horrified he looked up at the blonde who was licking his partners blood clean from his lips. His partner was whimpering pitifully, tears poured out of his eyes as he pleaded with him to just start talking.

"Now then. I'm going to take four more bites out of this guy since neither of you will talk. Then you get another chance to spill. "

"MMMPH! PPWWFFFF! NNNNH! MMMmMMM! PWWWFF! MM ALK! MMALK!"

His partner's begging clearly conveyed his willingness to talk but the blonde ignored him, sighing plaintively. He flicked the not-chewed man on the forearm. It felt like molten metal was being poured into his veins while his bones were ground to dust.

"Always a shame when they refuse to talk. Log knows all that chakra and adrenaline won't let you just black out. Oh well, I'll just go slowly to make sure your hearts don't give out before you talk. Just remember mister" he patted the man he'd taken a bite out of comfortingly before removing the gag, "four more bites till you get another chance to talk."

"PLEASE! PLEASE I'LL TALK! PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE-" **CRUNCHCHEWSQUEALCH!** "-ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH NONONONONOPLEASEI'MSORRYI'LLTALK!" **STRETCHCHEWRIP!**

The man's screams had gone silent, blood was spurting from his throat from the sheer force behind his pain. Naruto chewed slowly, being careful to not let a single morsel slip past his lips as the other occupant stared in horror as his partner was eaten alive.

Naruto gulped down the latest bite, "Oh boy, ya pretty tasty ya know!" he continued to ignore the man's sobbing, "I might not be able to hold myself to only four bites-" "PLEASE NO MORE I'LL TALK-MMPH!" Naruto muffled him and made a shushing motion, "Don't worry. I'll be nice. Any extra bites I want I'll take out of your partner instead. That said you have some nice arms. Right handed? Looks well trained and favored? Welp, I'll just help myself then." the man's muffled whimpers intensified while he shot a look over at the other subject.

"And don't worry," a bloody smile on an otherwise radiantly pleasant face made all the color leave the man, "I'll be sure to treat you well when I get to you. Now where was I? Right! Three more bites for you! Like I said, don't blame me too much I did give you a chance to talk. Oh! And a quick trick I learned as well. Count backwards from a thousand by sevens. It'll help you not go crazy. And if you don't…well…I'll just have to take more bites until you comply now won't I?"

Naruto lowered his elongated canines to man's upper arm, purposefully ignoring the muffled screams and bit down.

" _Thanks for the meal_."

 **CRUNCH**

"…You sure you won't go out with me?"

"Yes Anko I'm sure. So Mochi-saru-" ("It's Orochimaru.") "-is the leader of Sound and has some plans for Konoha eh? Nothing we can really infer besides that he's looking for holes in our defenses. Need to find more of these chumps to question. Ya don't think he's right and that Suna will really agree to this madness right? Even if they are sinking financially they have to know that succeed or fail they'll paint themselves as backstabbers right? Let's not forget that Konoha might be lax but it's sill one of the Great Five and they'll incur more losses than they can afford even with Sound's help! They'll end up sitting ducks for Kumo and Iwa, those two have teamed up for much less than this. If the temptation to smush one of the Great Five doesn't drag those two into an alliance I'll eat my Kunai."

Ibiki and Anko resolved themselves to keep an ear out for anything of the like, "I have to tell the Hokage and gather the Jonin. Jiraiya has heard some whispers but none of them gave us solid proof of enemy movement. This however is more than enough." Ibiki stroked his chin while the medics patched the two sobbing men up. Naruto had been true to his word, he'd only taken a few bites from each. Just enough that they were truthful and complacent as well as eager to share anything and everything they could to be kept far, far, _far_ away from the blonde. "I'll head out now. Anko and you have free reign while I'm gone. Naruto, do your best to make sure she doesn't cause too much trouble."

Naruto shrugged and hid a devious smile while Anko clung to his shoulders, "Ah…Dunno if I'll be able to do that. See Ichiraku has turned into a café to help me out so their coffee has gotten them pretty popular along with the little sandwiches and deserts they make. Was gonna go get myself a slice of tiramisu," Anko's eyes widened, "slathered with chocolate sauce," her pupils dilated, "and then a nice warm cup of blonde roast. They figured out a way to brew some lovely flavors into the coffee without killing the taste for me same with some of their other coffee based dishes. Thank Log for Tsunade's chemical knowledge. But Oh well, if Anko wants to stay-" she was suddenly out the door and up the stairs, the fading echo of her voice all that remained 'Meet me there Naru-tan!'

Ibiki put palm to face, "You've trained her. Joy."

Naruto only snickered, "Not really. Just figured out how to tempt her into doing what I want while she still thinks it was her idea. Besides, my particular brand of training involves leather collars, handcuffs, and a vibrator."

Ibiki choked, Naruto's cackling ringing in his ear as the blonde trotted off, "Kakashi should never have let you read his books…"

Team 8 was treated to the sight of Uzuki Yugao and Mitarashi Anko sandwiching Naruto between them as they sat at a booth in the newly renovated Café Ichiraku. Naruto, despite his exasperated countenance, was smiling happily and sipping his steaming mug watching as Yugao tried and failed to hide her snickers at whatever animated story Anko was telling. Flailing arms, exaggerated expressions, and mock accents included. As they got closer the conversation was starting to get clearer, "…And the idiot thinks blondie over here ain't worth his time! Bastard grabs me and before I can even be bothered Naruto's already thrown him out he front doors! Poor kid was so drunk I don't think he even remembers clinging to me afterwards," She put on the most adorable pout possible and made fake whiskers with her fingers, "'NO! MINE! Get your own Anko-chan. Dis one mine!' IT WAS SO FUCKING CUTE!"

Yugao was laughing full out now while Naruto only blushed and sheepishly scratched the back of his head, "Yeah, despite how much Tsunade insists I'm steering clear of sake. We don't need any repeats of that incident."

"Hey girls how's it going. Naruto, keeping well?"

All three heads turned to Team 8 as they came up to the shop window Naruto and company sat by.

Anko, predictably, waved cheerily and chirped her greeting while Yugao was far more composed and formal. Naruto…well…he was Naruto.

Eye-smiling and raising a single hand, "Yo. Minna, how've ya been? Everyone get fleas from Kiba yet or did you manage to pre-empt him with a bath?"

Everyone save Shino and the Canine Ninja snickered at that. The boy in question blushed hotly. "It was one time ya blonde bastard! Let it go already!" Naruto only chuckled, letting his relaxed expression become more openly pleasant.

"Seriously, how ya been Kiba, Shino, Hinata? Giving Kurenai a run for her money or are ya being well behaved? Hinata train you all properly?"

Shino adjusted his glasses, "That's Kurenai-sensei Uzumaki-san," Naruto just shrugged, "And we are well. Kiba has thankfully not contracted fleas again," 'Hey!' "while we are improving steadily. Hinata has gotten faster and stronger while Kiba and Akamaru have started to make themselves into a powerful team of bruisers. Their direct assaults have become far more accurate and debilitating. I have improved upon my own Taijutsu and my hives have more than doubled. How are you and your team, Uzumaki-san?"

Naruto paid his bill and waved goodbye to the Yugao and Anko, joining up with Team 8 as they walked towards the Hokage Tower for their next mission.

"We've been good. Sasuke's finally managed to cool his ego" 'Seriously?! Holy Shit it's a miracle!' "and his Justu repertoire is growing steadily between the Uchiha library and Kakashi-sensei. Sakura's got her head on straight finally. She slugs mighty hard now and if Kakashi has his way she'll be able to tie herself into knots with her flexibility plus her medical capabilities are nothing to scoff at. Myself? Definitely gotten faster and stronger now. Managed to create two of my own techniques and I'm moving up my Wind and Fire Nature Transformation exercises to the next step. Lightning is difficult and Earth is mediocre but Water is going to catch up to my other proficiencies soon enough."

Team 8 gaped at him. Kurenai pointed an unsteady finger at him, "Justu Creation?! Nature Manipulation?! That's High Chunin almost Low Jonin level stuff! He's started you already?! AND YOU HAVE ALL FIVE ELEMENTS?!"

Naruto only glanced at her askance, "Why's that a big deal? Oh right, we're supposed to be Genin. Well it's pretty simple. 1.) Shadow Clones. All of us can make them now. 2.) Kakashi is crazy. He explicitly said he has trouble training the basics and theory is his weak point so he more or less pounds the lessons into us. It's 'learn' or 'suffer' with him but what with his Ex-ANBU status that makes sense. 3.) I don't have an affinity so I have no bonuses or benefits but can use them all with as much efficiency as I work for and with Shadow Clones…well, it's goin' pretty fast. As for Sasuke and Sakura they're constantly stealing all my Nature Transformation notes. Sasuke's Lightning Affinity is his main one and it's _terrifying_ while Fire is his secondary. But he's been training it for so long it might as well be a second primary and is therefore also _terrifying_. Sakura has a conflicting Elemental Affinity with Lightning and Earth and her brilliance makes me want to run for the hills. Previously it was just information recording but now her application is starting to make me think I should send her to Hiru-Jii-Chan to learn advanced theory. By now The Professor is only one with anything to teach her. Did you know she memorized the entire Konoha Library? Literally, the whole thing. And then I'm just broken cause I can summon like, fifteen times the amount of Shadow Clones the rest of Team Seven put together can and heal at a rate that's crossed the threshold from 'Crazy-Insane' to 'Possibly Get My Head Cut Off and Survive' although I'd rather not test that."

At this point Team 8 had stopped dead in the middle of the road.

Even Shino was dumbstruck, evident by the pure disbelief that was painted on their faces. Attempting and failing miserably to regain his composure, Shino barely managed to choke out, "H-How?!"

Naruto shrugged, "I unlocked a Kekkei Genkai, Sauske's Sharingan is at Stage 3 in his left eye and Stage 2 in his right though it'll be fully matured by the time Kakashi and Zabuza are done with us, and Sakura has photographic memory as well as an I.Q that probably exceeds a most Nara. Oh, we also train until we're dead on our feet, sleep, and do the same the next day. I just happen to only need 6 hours to recover vs. Sasuke and Sakura who both need closer to 12. That's the only reason I'm out here instead of with the team, they won't be active for another couple hours. Anyway, gonna go meet back up with Yu-chan and Anko-neechan. See if I can't wheedle Yugao to give me some Bukijutsu tips. Ja ne!"

And he was gone.

"Kurenai sensei, what the hell are they made of? And Zabua? As in A-Rank Missing Nin turned Jonin recently Zabuza? That Zabuza?"

Kurenai stared at her Genin, "We're stepping your training up," they shivered at the manic gleam in her eyes, "Yuuhi Kurenai might be a newly promoted Jonin and this might be my first team, but hell if we lose to Lazy-Pervert-Hatake Kakashi! COME ON KIDS WE'RE GONNA GO FIND SOME BOULDERS FOR YOU TO BENCH!"

"W-W-Wait! Kurenai-sensei don't you think this is a bit hasty! H-HEY!"

Kiba was ignored and Shino simply resigned himself while Hinata hesitated. Kurenai just looked over her shoulder and spoke the magic words, "Naruto will be impressed with how strong you are and if you do well I'll buy you cinnamon buns."

Kiba, Shino, and Kurenai were promptly lifted overhead. Hinata ran down the streets of the village with her Team lifted well over her shoulders and a hungry expression on her face.

' _Naruto-kun will notice me! Naruto-kun will notice me! Naruto-kun will notice me!_ '

Kurenai only hoped Asuma managed to whip his Genin into shape, Log knows that Kakashi's insanity, mixed with Naruto's insanity, and whatever insanity he picked up from Anko would mean hell on earth for them. Well…maybe that was a good thing. She wouldn't be last at least.

"Watch where you're going brat!"

"Hey! Lemme go you freaky crossdressing perv!"

Kankuro seethed, "IT'S WAR PAINT!"

"Yeah, but that's a snuggy in black but who am I to judge what others where into battle."

Konhamaru's eyes lit up along with Moegi's and Udon's. "Boss!" they chorused.

Suddenly all three were at his feet and on their knees as he scolded them about not causing trouble with foreigners.

' _How the hell did the brat get over there?_ '

Neither he nor Temari had seen whatever movement the blonde had made to retrieve the shorter kid but grit their teeth regardless. Kankuro wasn't ready to let it go, the bandaged bundle on his back came down with a thump that drew attention.

"Oy. I don't take kindly to brats that run into me and punks that ignore me."

Naruto only raised an eyebrow, "Well sorry Princess" Temari stifled a snort, "But I don't suppose you could leave it at that then? I'll give this one," he patted Konohamaru on the head, "a good talking to about not causing troubles for others and watching where he's walking. Though I don't suppose y'all are lost? This alley is a little out of the way."

Kankuro only snarled and Temari was starting to not like her brother's attitude, "Leave it Kankuro."

"No way!" he grit out, "This brat and this punk need a beat down! Trash like you should be on the ground in front of your betters Leaf Scum!"

Naruto's easy countenance fell. The full weight of his chakra suddenly collapsed them both to their knees, his glower pinning them there.

"Yare~ Yare~ I'll have to ask you fix your attitude. I assume you're here for the Chunin exams but push this any further and I'm afraid I'll have to report you for causing conflict within our walls and you'll be disqualified before you can even start." He leaned over, "So let me ask again, how about leaving it at that? Neh, Suna Shinobi?"

"You'd think they'd at least try not to cause an international incident and spark a war between them and their only ally by assaulting the Hokage-sama's grandson," Naruto nodded at Sasuke when he appeared in the tree nearest them. Temari was suddenly glad she was already on her knees, Kankuro had almost laid out the grandson of the Third Hokage. Her legs were still trembling when she got back to her feet. As soon as Kankuro was up she slapped him. Hard.

"Idiot!" she hissed, "See your stubborn bastardry almost cost us _everything!_ Not to mention what would happen if Gaara found out!"

"If I found out what…Temari, Kankuro?" the husky gritty voice was less smoky and throaty and closer to I-gargle-sand-for-a-hobby.

They froze, all color draining from them.

"Ah-Ahahaha!," Kankuro's stilted laughter did nothing to belie the dread he felt, "Nothing at all Gaara! Just-Um?!-Getting to know the locals!"

"And apparently causing unnecessary trouble," "Gaara we!-" "Shut up. Or I'll kill you."

The boy promptly shut up, "You're a disgrace Kankuro. Temari, next time make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. By force if necessary, Baki won't be happy about this at all." The strange red haired boy with the gourd on his back appeared between them in a swirl of sand.

"I apologize on behalf of them Konoha-san. We will be on our way. Come on Kankuro, Temari."

He spared no other words and walked away immediately. Sasuke landed beside Naruto, absentmindedly patting the Konohamaru Corps on the head as he raised a brow at Naruto. The blonde was staring after the red head with too much focus for casual interest.

"What did you get off him Dobe?"

Naruto glanced at him and then up at a roof top to their left, "Even with the muddled scent of so many nearby," the presences on the roof rapidly retreated, "he wreaked of blood. Like he was drowning in it. Hundreds of different people have been killed by that kid and judging by the intensity of the stench quite messily. His teammates were genuinely terrified of him too. He would have killed them without any hesitation. What about you Teme? Pink-Eye give you anything?"

Sasuke afforded his comrade a mild glare for the comment about his family's pride, "Not much. This is just supposition but the boy in the catsuit with the shitty make up," the distant shout of 'It's war paint dammnit!' was ignored, "was a puppeteer. The way that chakra was instinctively gathering in just his fingers was a dead give away. The girl is a wind user, I could see it forming in her pathways when she reached for that metal case on her back. Based on the fact she's a Suna Nin, probably a fan. As for the boy, I never ended up looking at his skin," Naruto raised an eye-brow, "It was sand. He was completely covered in chakra laced sand, but that's not the biggest problem. The chakra was laced with wisps of red, and the only place I've ever seen that is in you." Sasuke did not miss the way Naruto's demeanor immediately clammed up and locked down from his previously lax position. His expression betrayed nothing but Sasuke had already spent too much time with him. It might as well have been painted on the blonde's forehead.

"I don't suppose that's particularly relevant Naruto?" The Jinchuriki was reminded of his status quite sharply and winced, "Er…Something I'd have to run by Kaka-sensei. Let's get to it no? Maybe we'll find Sakura along the way and get some answers. All I know is that I really hope that someone as unstable as that is _nothing_ like me."

Now it was Sasuke's turn to raise a brow at Naruto, "Unstable?" he asked, waving off Konohamaru and his group as he and Naruto set out to find their wayward Sensei.

Naruto nodded, "Even if I couldn't see it in his eyes I could practically taste it wafting off him. That kid," Naruto shook his head, "genuinely makes me worried.'

Sasuke, for all his stoicism, couldn't withhold his shiver of agreement. Normal kids don't have Killing Intent like that. Then again, Naruto can do worse and is as far from normal as normal gets.

Both of them so lost in thoughts missed the curious gaze of another two blonds and their white and red haired companions. Not to mention the green haired girl that they walked past whose head and gaze snapped to Naruto's back the second he had passed.

A shiver down his spine had the Uzumaki worried. ' _Here's to hoping it's nothing complicated._ '

How unfortunate for him.

 _One Month Later: One Week before the Exam_

"I, Sarutobi Asuma, nominate Team 10 to take the Chunin Selection Exams."

"I, Yuuhi Kurenai, nominate Team 8 to take the Chunin Slelection Exams."

"Yo! I'm putting my brats forward to take the exams."

Kakashi gathered many sweatdrops but honestly Hiruzen wasn't even surprised anymore. When Sasuke had come in with Team Seven once, respectfully bowed, and greeted him 'Ossan-sama' he'd given up. Granted Naruto had to pay Sasuke for it to happened he considered that 500ryo and some sealing scrolls was a bit cheap for the massive disrespect. Hiruzen had to admit, he was surprised Naruto hadn't blacked out from air loss with all the laughing he'd done.

Gai decided this was the usual with his rival's hip attitude, "Yosh! I, Maito Gai, nominate the youthful Team 9 to take the most youthful Chunin Selection Exams to help progress there youthful youth! Youthfully!" He finished with a thumbs up, wink, and a blinding smile.

No one reacted. This was Gai they were talking about. His outfit did more than enough for their collective resistance to his antics.

Iruka focused on what really mattered though, "Wait a minute now! I have all faith in them but they're barely 6 months out of the Academy! The training I have no doubt of but what about the experience! I understand Gai since his team have been out of the Academy for a year but what about the rest of you! Are you really sure that they have the knowledge _and ability_ to apply what they've learned?"

The three Jonin exchanged a glance. Technically Kakashi kept reading his porn but they pretended for their own benefit.

Kurenai started, "Honestly, ever since we met with Naruto outside Ichiraku's Team 8 has had a fire lit underneath him. Even Hinata's shy demeanor is ebbing away. Last I heard she managed **_Kaiten_ **and **_Hakke:Sanjuu Nishou_** and Kiba finally managed his second **_Juujin Taijutsu Ogi_** and that's not even counting Shino and his ridiculousness. He point blank asked Naruto to send him an overcharged Shadow Clone so he could use his chakra to feed his hive." A quick set of hand seals and she had a baggy coat and opaque sunglasses, "'Why you ask? Because logically he has no reason to deny my request while we have not been pit against each other in competition yet' or so he says." Kurenai let the illusion dispel, "Not to mention Naruto laughed and complemented Shino on 'the sheer size of your massive brass balls' and made a set of 10. Last I'd heard from him, his bugs were _still_ draining all the chakra from them and Naruto made them two weeks ago! Bright side Shino's hive is massive now, he also now has the numbers he needs to preform his clan's larger scale techniques. Note that I say 'preform' and not 'practice' because,' the coat and shades made another appearance, "'It is logical to practice on a scale that is appropriate for my hive. Why? Because this way I already have practice with these techniques and will not have an issue implementing them rather than having to adapt to the stress these techniques would put on me otherwise' Or so he says."

Asuma decided to take over next, "Ino ran into Sakura and while I have no idea what happened between them, it's pushed Ino beyond her limits. Apparently there was something about Naruto that she wheedled out of Inoichi that got her pissed. Then she chatted with Sakura and that got her driven up the walls. Ino being Ino of course dragged the boys along for the ride. I don't know where she got that cat o' nine tails but she puts it to good use at least…" Asuma grumbled under his breath, "Shikamaru's chakra pool and control have doubled thanks to her pushing training down his throat. Yoshino found out and she's crammed as many techniques as she could Frying Pan out of Shikkaku into him as well," he shuddered, "Poor bastards. Choji has it the worst though. Ino's really taking to blackmail and manipulation. She bought as many exclusive chip flavors as bribes and shamelessly incentivises him. She also stole my smokes and only gives me one at a time and only if I give her and the team training she deems appropriate. What a troublesome girl really." He sighed, "Oh, well. How about yours Kakashi?"

There was silence. "…Kakashi?"

"Hmmm? Did you say something?"

There was silence for a beat, "Really Kakashi?"

The man couldn't resist an eye-smile, "Sorry couldn't resist. Welp not much to say. Sasuke puts out enough Lightning to power a city and his fireballs come at a base of White Hot. Then that kid decided, 'Fuck Itachi and his bullshit shuriken crap I'm gonna do it better' his words not mine and is now a budding weapons maniac." He shuddered, "Where he even got that many Kanabo is beyond me but Log if **_Kawarimi_** hasn't saved me from becoming paste so many times. Sakura's figured out both Tsunade's Strength as well as the beginning to the Raikage's **_Raiton no Yoroi_** which combined with Tsunade's strength means she can bench press the Hokage Monument for about 2 seconds before her strength and techniques fail. Naruto…well…Naruto's Kekkei Genkai has advanced well beyond what the notes said it should and with his Resistance Tag getting upgraded to the full Seal within a month his natural strength and speed unenhanced with chakra are three-quarters of my own base. So yeah, he's a bit of a beast. Not to mention his abuse of Shadow Clones to compensate for his lack of affinity..."

Jaws were on the floor, Hiruzen pointed out the obvious, "Kakashi you kids are insane."

Kakashi sighed, "It's Naruto's fault really. I don't know what scrambled his brains after the whole Mizuki being a dick thing. May the Shinigami use him as a frequent cock muppet for all eternity,"

There was a chorused 'Amen'

"But it did kick him into high gear. Where he should've taken 2 years to get up to speed, he instead took 6 months to surpass ten times over. Then he blatantly told Sakura and Sasuke to fuck off with their collective baggage and get it the fuck together. He cut down all of Sakura's motivations about being a Kunoichi until she figured out this was life or death and now she trains like she expects the entire Iwa Explosion Corps to be waiting outside the gates to Konoha. He told Sasuke that his Kekkei Genkai was the only one that anyone would be able to get their hands on since Itachi is pure un-distilled badass no matter how much he hates him. More importantly if he's captured he will be chained up until the Sharingan breeds true, then they'll cut his eyes out and transplant them, before likely vivisecting him. His final blow was, and I quote, 'If you're lucky you'll only end up with additional features for the women, if not you'll be an Onahole for guys like this.' He then presented Sasuke with a picture of the current Raikage and his stats from a Bingo Book he acquired from parts unknown. Needless to say Sasuke got his head out of his ass if only to keep a different kind of head from planting itself there."

There was a collective shudder. Naruto had exaggerated but he sure knew how to paint a grim picture.

"Other than that I think he's finally coming to terms with his situation. The whole acceptance he got with the team and then with Zabuza and Haku has done wonders. Also…well…To put it bluntly he fucked the shit out of out client's daughter and this was after she found out about his condition so the _vigorous_ and _enthusiastic_ _reception_ he received from her and her oblivious son really showed him that even when people had know him for barely a few hours they were willing to be with him despite his own perceived faults. He's really matured. All of them actually…MY CUTE LITTLE GENIN ARE GROWING UP SO WELL WAAAHHHH~~~!"

They all ignored Kakashi's comical sobbing. Honestly, the man was such a sap.

Hiruzen waved to Iruka, "There you have it, if you have any doubts let's at least take a look see at what the Academy Deadlast has become. If Naruto can improve beyond measure then the others must be fine no?"

Hiruzen set up his Crystal Ball and activated his **_Telescopic Viewing Technique_**.

" ** _SOKOTSU!_** "

The collective silence of every wide eyed Jonin was understandable when Naruto's twin fists impacted one of the trees in the Forest of Death and promptly turned it into powder. Amidst the drifting dust Naruto clenched his fists with satisfaction while Anko clapped happily in the background.

 _"You've mastered that yeah? So now what gaki? Wanna get Dango with me?"_

Naruto gave her an amused look, _"Not just yet. Now that I have that down I can start working on the upgraded versions!"_

Every single person paled while Anko cackled merrily, _"Are you trying to have maps re-drawn brat?!"_

Naruto smirked at her, _"Ideally, yes. Anyway, how does **Gahou**_ (Fang Cannon) _and **Hageshī ago**_ (Fierce Jaws) _sound?"_

Hiruzen cut the feed there and glared at Kakashi, "IN-FUCKING-SANE!"

He dutifully ignored Yugao's sniggering, "But beyond that, each of you has nominated your Genin with good reason-and Gai why are you crying?"

Gai raised his previously shadowed eyes. They were on fire, the Kanji for 'Youth' somehow embossed within them, "KAKASHI'S YOUTHFUL GENIN HAVE DISPLAYED SUCH INSPIRING SKILL! TRULY THEY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO HOWL IN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH! APOLOGIES HOKAGE-SAMA I MUST GO TRAIN! **ROAR MY YOUUUUUUUU** UUUUUuuuuuuuuuth!"

There were trails of smouldering wood from where Gai's footsteps had burned into the wood with the force of his step's friction.

Hiruzen twitched, "Fuck it. They're in, they die you guys get to explain to parents. Now get out, I need alcohol."

The Jonin left post haste, leaving the Hokage to cry in peace, and Yugao to break down laughing. The other three ANBU simply shared confused glances.

' _Either we're too green, or our elite shinobi are insane_ ' the bulkiest signed.

Usagi nodded their agreement to Saru's determination. Karasu only shook their head ' _It's not even that, it's Hashirama's fault. Since the founding of this village not a single Elite has come out normal. This wouldn't have happened in the Warring Clans Era._ ' They signed back.

Then all three sweatdropped, watching Hiruzen somehow guzzle alcohol and smoke his pipe at the same time. Throughout he never stopped crying.

 _One Week Later, Outside the Academy_

"Naruto how many sealing scrolls do you have?" Sakura was **very** worried. Naruto and Seals mixed far too well in her opinion.

He looked up from the handful he'd pulled out, "Each one has another twelve sealed inside? So, like, 60?"

Sasuke nodded, "No kill like overkill. Now let's get a move on, we wanna be waiting there ahead of time so we can scope out the competition. Sakura followed along, just hoping Naruto didn't blow up an entire section Konoha. At least, not while she was within the blast radius.

Apparently their idea wasn't as original as they hoped. There was a crowd gathered outside of a classroom labeled 316, which entrance to was being blocked by two people. Happily pounding the hell out of anyone stupid enough to challenge them and telling them they were all idiots for trying. Team Seven agreed heartily, this was only the second floor after all. They promptly made there way past the crowd, completely ignorant to the three eyes that followed them. The pair with the exceptionally bushy brows intercepted them as they headed for the stairs.

"You are…Kakashi's students no?"

The three exchanged glances that translated roughly to: 'Holy shit those eyebrows! Naruto you know 'im?' 'No why the fuck would I know him and **Log they just got thicker I swear!** Sakura how about you?' 'Not only no. Hell no. That outfit is a tragedy and I won't be caught dead anywhere near it.' The three turned back to him while Sasuke spoke for them.

"Yes we are, how can we help you?"

The boy with he vicious eyebrows- **oh Log they're sentient and wiggling by themselves!** \- flashed a nice guy pose complete with thumbs up and blinding grin. Seriously, a smile that white qualified as some sort of non-lethal weapon.

"My name is Rock Lee! And I am the student of the Wonderful Blue Beast of Prey Maito Gai, the Eternal Rival of your Sensei." Team Seven absorbed this while thy tried to clear their flash blindness as the rest of his team approached.

Sasuke squinted, blinking rapidly as his vision returned, "Yes, well it's very nice to meet you but we have to go."

He made to turn around but Lee was already behind them. ' _Fast_ ' was their collective thought.

"I have given my name, it is impolite not to give yours."

Sasuke sighed while Naruto took over, "Yeah sorry about that. My name is Naruto, this is Sakura, and Sasuke," he pointed them out individually while Lee's team flanked him. They were gathering too much attention, this needed to end quickly. "And as much as we'd love to stay and chat we have to be going." He bowed and made to leave.

"And where exactly do you need to go? Uzumaki-san?", the one with white eyes inquired.

' _Curious. I don't recall giving a family name._ '

Naruto glanced at Sasuke. Subtle shifts in their expressions conveying the entirety of the conversation.

' _Shouldn't you deal with him?_ '

' _Don't wanna, he's too stuck up._ ' Naruto's brow twitched.

' _Pot meet kettle._ '

A vein popped over Sasuke's eye. ' _Shut up. Just for that he's all yours._ '

Naruto conveyed a sigh with a twitch of his cheek ' _You'll regret it._ '

Sasuke's nose wrinkled minutely ' _Hn_.'

Naruto shrugged, "We're going to the bathroom. Tiny bladder big cup of tea."

"Together?" the bun haired girl asked.

Naruto nodded earnestly at this, Sakura was just curious where the blonde would take this. Speaking of actually…

"Sakura has the biggest dick between the three of us and if we don't help her aim and shake she'll flood the bathroom and shatter the porcelain. KayThanksBye!"

Naruto herded Sasuke and Sakura up the stairs leaving the dumbstruck Team 9 and remaining Hopeless Dumbass Losers- I mean Chunin hopefuls on the second floor.

There was a faint 'Really Naruto?'

The response was an exceptionally accurate trumpet of an elephant.

 **OOOooOOoOoOOooOOO**

"Kaka-sensei!" Naruto's flying glomp was negated when Kakashi caught him. He held the blonde at arms length, eye-smiling pleasantly.

"Naruto. Please refrain from- **BLERGH!** " Naruto slammed into he back of his head and sent him tumbling face first to the ground, the Naruto that had been in his hands popping into smoke. Sakura and Sasuke made lengths to mask their amusement, they failed miserably.

"…Spawned the Shadow Clone behind me when I eye-smiled," Naruto nodded cheerily, "then **_Kawarimi_** 'd with it when I was preoccupied," the nodding was joined by shoddily muffled giggling, "and then used another to launch yourself at me?" Naruto broke down laughing, Sakura's chortles joined his soon after. Sasuke settled for a smirk. It was basically cackling but in Uchiha.

"Welp, if anything I'm glad you all came here together, I'm proud to say you guys have really improved. More than I thought physically possible. Though I have no doubt your strength came at the price of your collective sanity," Naruto, who was hanging from Kakashi's extended arm as the Jonin stood up interjected, "Sensei sanity is overrated, the voices in my head say so."

The three stared at the blonde's squinty eyed expression.

"Like I said, at the cost of your _collective_ sanity 'cause you infected Sakura and Sasuke. But you've come far. You all exceeded my expectations and you've each managed to touch Tokubetsu Jonin level in at least one area for your studies. I'm-" **Sniffle!** "So proud of you guys!"

In a twist of fate it was the three Genin that were tugged into a hug by the Jonin, Naruto snickered but his eyes were suspiciously wet while Sakura blushed and held her face, "Sensei you're so embarrassing!", and Sasuke settled for patting he older man on the arm that was wrapped around him.

"There, there Kakashi. We'll be sure to visit you in your nursing home. Someone will have to push you to the store so you can buy your perverted books you know."

While scathing and delivered in a flat deadpan, this only served to make Kakashi's crocodile tears increase in volume. Eventually the fun and games came to an end, Team Seven stood proud before their Sensei. Kakashi gave them one last eye-smile and a head pat each, "Knock 'em dead. Oh, and I placed bets on you guys so win me some money and the first round of drinks is on me!"

He vanished in a swirl of leaves. "He does know we're too young to drink right?"

Both Naruto and Sakura scoffed, ""Tell that to Tsunade-Baachan/Sama.""

The two walked ahead and into the room leaving Sasuke to follow, praying to whatever deity that when he got to S-Rank he didn't lose his mind. Well…anymore of it really.

Team Seven made it into the room and immediately felt the weight of the combined Genin's killing intent fall on them. Sasuke sent one menacing glance out of the corner of his eye and the room broke down into cold sweats. At least until Ino tackle hugged him from behind.

"Sasuke-kun!" The brunette in question sighed so tiredly even Shikamaru winced.

"Hello Yamanaka-san."

She pouted, Naruto was suddenly quite glad he didn't have fangirls (Hinata sneezed and wondered if perhaps she needed a heavier jacket) but he would most definitely enjoy Sasuke's discomfort as the girl pestered him.

"Was…Was I really like?" Naruto glanced at Sakura nodding solemnly, "Worse actually."

The pinkette thought on it a moment, then proceeded to wince, "Yeah really. Thanks for setting me straight." The boy just smirked and gave her a wink, "What are friends for?"

The universe promptly inverted itself as Naruto was bowled over by a flash of blond and purple.

"Naru-kun! Your Ino-tan missed you!" Jaws dropped. Sakura's eye began to twitch violently. Sasuke…Sasuke burst out laughing. It was the most undignified they'd ever seen him but more people were paying attention to Ino snuggling into Naruto's chest. The blonde's face was blank but his teammates could hear the unspoken lament.

' _How is this my life, what even, why this, please help._ ' Sasuke only laughed louder falling on his side and wheezing as the lack of oxygen started to make his vision dim. Sakura was at least nice enough to lift Naruto to his feet, Ino clinging to him all the way.

She gazed up at him with a devious smirk, "Are you finally ready to spill all your _juicy_ secrets? Come on Naru-Kun~ you can trust me to listen to all your little worries~! If you're really nice I'll even comfort you. Wouldn't that be nice? Just curled up to my chest with my fingers running through your hair? You can let go, momma Ino will take good care of you."

Sasuke had blacked out and regained consciousness at this point. He sat up, only to keep laughing at Naruto, and then fall over again.

' _has ceased function. Initiating Reboot. Standby…Command Accepted Reboot Progressing…12%...22%...46%...90%...Reboot Complete._ '

"Ino…what the hell?"

Her cheeks puffed in mock irritation, "Mou~ I don't see you for a while and you're this cold to me? Where's my warm, cute blondie that always had a brilliant smile for me?'

Yeah, fuck this noise. He picked Ino up with nary a grunt, walked over to Sakura, and placed the girl bridal carry in his teammate's arms.

"Here. Your friend. You deal with her."

He then moved to Sasuke and slapped him upside the head. Sasuke frowned, then slapped the blonde on the arm. Naruto retaliated by pinching him. Sasuke flicked his nose.

""WHY YOU?!"" They devolved into a comical brawl of cheek pulling, wet willies, nose grabbing, etc…

Disbelief was the general reaction. Team 8 came over the at the same time that Team 9 walked into the room and witnessed…whatever the hell that mess was. Team 10 was the last to join if only because Shikamaru thought this was a pain.

"I guess we all made it then? All the Rookies plus Team 9."

Shikamaru's statement pulled Sasuke and Naruto out of their scuffle to rejoin the group. Team Seven exchanged pleasantries, continuing to ignore the glances and whispers of the other competitors behind them.

"You guys," a quiet voice called, "are drawing way too much attention to yourselves."

The group turned towards the grey haired boy that'd spoken up. They eyed the rest of the room. True to form, they were the center of attention once more. Naruto gave the boy enough time to reach their group before putting the Rookie 12 plus 1 behind him. Apparently the competition hadn't gotten the message the first time. His pupils shrunk, the veins on his face coming into stark relief beneath the force of his glare. Killing Intent lanced. A chill wave of murderous intent climbed up their arms and slithered down their backs.

" ** _And what the fuck are you lot looking at?_** "

Most turned immediately. The few that remained he focused on and let just a bit of his chakra into the mix putting a physical weight behind his threat. Meeting every remaining pair of eyes and seeing not a single person back down he finally relented.

"Good. At least some of you have spines." He turned back to the group with cheerful smile on his face and a chipper skip to his step.

"Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! Nice ta meetcha!" He went to present his hand for a shake but the poor Genin was just standing there wide-eyed, glasses askew. Speaking of, everyone but Sasuke and Sakura were shaken.

"What?"

"What?! WHAT?! 'WHAT' he asks! Dude what the hell was that." Kiba's expression and question was echoed in the nods of the remaining Konoha Genin. The blonde tilted his head.

"It's just Killing Intent. Well…I don't like killing all too much so it's more of my Intent-To-Cause-Excruciating-Pain-And-Suffering but I just calls it as Killing Intent. Bit of Chakra to really bring it home and blam! Easy scares! At least for the weaker ones. I've been taking lessons from Zabuza and he said when you get really good you can cause heart attacks in people!"

Naruto's grin was met with even more confusion and outright disbelief. The most from the Glasses wearing one, "Zabuza…As in Momoichi Zabuza. Ex-Kiri Missing Nin and one of the Seven Swordsmen? That Zabuza?"

Naruto's head tilted once more, this time with squinted eyes, "Well yeah. He's my neighbor. We go to Poker Nights on my off days and his apprentice helps me with Elemental Manipulation whenever she's free. Which is pretty often despite her working at the hospital. I hope she isn't working too hard…"

Naruto trailed off while the rest of the group just looked at him like he was crazy.

"Well…my name is Yakushi Kabuto and I came here to give you guys some advice but if all of you are on his level then I don't think you'll need it."

Ino's mouth was twenty steps ahead of her brain. In other words, no filter. "But he was the Dead Last!" She promptly slapped a hand to her mouth for her unintentional blurt. All eyes panned to Naruto who was idly nibbling some form of jerky he had produced from Log knows where. He noticed their looks and shrugged, "I do a lot of push ups."

There was a noticeable lack of belief. In his statement, they panned back to Kabuto. Kiba took over, "Presume not all of is are insane, and didn't do whatever nightmare training Team Seven sacrificed their sanity to, to get stronger. What kinda advice ya got for us?"

Kabuto shrugged and decided he might as well. He produced a thick stack of cards from his pouch, crouching down and placing them on the ground in front of the group.

"I've been through the exams a couple times so I've managed to collect a good bit of info about the different competitors and what can be expected of them. For example, anyone have a name or a description of a person they'd like to now about?"

The group shared glances, then panned to Naruto.

"Really guys? Gonna let this guys spill all my secrets in front of enemies just to get some dirt?"

There was silence, another round of exchanged glances, "Yeah, pretty much."

Naruto threw his hands up in defeat, "Fine! See if y'all get any help from Team Seven then!'

He was ignored as the group collectively leaned in, watching with open curiosity as the card Kabuto pulled spun beneath his finger. The boy lifted it and began to read.

"Uzumaki Naruto, Genin of Konoha, and Dead Last of the latest batch of Konoha Genin. Then again that class has the highest ratio of Clan Heirs of any generation before so maybe that is to be expected. Orphan, sorry for your loss," the blonde waved it off, that fact wasn't going to change anytime soon, "and member of Team Seven beneath Hatake Kakashi. Ninjutsu and Nin-Taijutsu savant apparently. Despite no proven relations to the Clan he has been reported to have a skill in **_Fuuijutsu_** that rivals the late Uzumaki clan-"

"WOAH WOAH WOAH! HOLD UP!" Kiba was staring at the bespectacled boy, "Back up there Four Eyes," 'Wow so original!' he sent Naruto a quick glare, "what's this about an Uzumaki Clan?"

The boy rubbed the back of his head, "I'll explain in depth if you're still interested after I'm done. Long and Short of it is: There was an Uzumaki Clan, they were world renowned-"

Sakura interjected here, "Along with an inhuman ability to understand and write Seals, they also had a wealth of strange Kekkei Genkai ranging from Lava, Mist, Swift, and Storm Release all the way to their obscene life spans, ability to heal both themselves and others, and finally the rare ability to manifest their potent Chakra into physical weapons. Most common was the chains they used, the most famous of which was Uzumaki Mito who married Hashirama Senju and was there at The Valley of the End when he fought Uchiha Madara. After Shodaime-sama freed the Kyuubi from Madara's influence, she used her chains to restrain it and sealed it into her own body, becoming the first of the known Jinchuriki, or human vessels for the Nine Bijuu. Sure Hashirama essentially gave them engines of war, but the ability to negate that was deemed to dangerous to be left alone.

So Kiri, Kumo, and Iwa allied together during the Second Great Shinobi War to take them down. Iwa distracted Suna and Konoha with a quarter half of their army that just stalled for time while the rest ambushed Uzushiogakure. Kiri brought it's Kage and one of it's Jinchuriki while Iwa did the same. Kumo provided a good portion of their Elite STORM division and they wiped them off the map. The Uzumaki got the last laugh though, triggering a defensive seal that shook that whole portion of the ocean like a kid with a snow globe and sank the retreating forces in the ensuing Tsunami. Konoha, in her grief, pushed back after having failed to defend their blood allies. Suna doubled in size after the assault from Konoha and then Hot Springs Country was next. Kumo was punted out so fast they barely had time to regroup and force the advance to a stop. At the end of it all, Iwa's forces were at half strength and the Country without a leader, Kiri suffering the same fate not to mention the loss of a Jinchuriki each. Kumo lost all the territory they'd claimed from the beginning of the war and then an additional quarter from the relentless push. Though there are rumors of a betrayal from within Konoha since there should have been no way for the opposing Nations to have bypassed their sensory barrier, but all of that is lost to annuls of history and the roaring flames of censorship."

They all stared at Sakura. She blushed beneath their stares, "I got bored and memorized the Konoha Library. You'd be surprised what kind of stuff you can find when you try and the Head Librarian isn't paying attention."

Kabuto stared, then looked at Naruto, "Your team is insane." The blonde just sighed, it wasn't his fault dammnit!

"Continuing on, Team Seven has a pretty solid mission reputation with 58 D-ranks, 5 C-Ranks, and- wait…That can't be right. It say you guys have a successful A-Rank beneath your belt while Naruto has a Solo B-Rank."

If they hadn't been the center of attention before, Team Seven was under the microscope now.

They exchanged brief but meaningful glances before Sasuke took lead, "The A-Rank was a mishap. The Client lied to save money and we ended up between him and an A-Rank Missing Nin that wanted his head. It turns out his country was being bled dry by some greedy swine of a shipping Magnate and this old bridge builder was opening up the only way out of the country. Of course the rich sod hired a bounty hunter and by the time we could turn back we were already in the crosshairs. Had we tried to leave we would have died since our knowledge would let the Daimyou know of his misdemeanor, so we stayed, fought, and won by the skin of out teeth."

It was a lie. A well crafted lie, but a lie none-the-less. Too many things occurred on that particular trip that need to stay quiet.

"As for the Solo B-Rank…"

Naruto calmly met their gazes, "That's…" there was electric anticipation, "A Secret~!"

Faces met desks, palms, floor, walls, etc…

"Look as much as I'd love to talk about it, I can't. It's less about _what_ _I did_ that day and more about _what_ _I learned_. It's classified anyway. Ino already tried but like I said to her, unless you have an informed Jonin tell you or get their express permission I can't say a word under threat of incarceration and Court Martial. Information kills ya know?"

Whatever else could've been said was interrupted with a poof of smoke.

"Well said brat." The cloud cleared to reveal Morino Ibiki standing ahead of a line up of Chunin. The gruff man gave them all a once over before continuing, "Welcome to the First Task of the Chunin Exams. Get a number, get to your seat, and get ready. I aim to cut your numbers down by half at least."

As soon as the test began and the ruled were explained, Team Seven already knew what needed to be done. It took them 4 minutes to identify the plants (not that Sakura needed to bother cheating), and another 12 to separate the ones that had been given false information. Naruto smirked, just like Ibiki to fail people not just based on their information gathering skills but also their ability to discern fact from fiction. Misinformation kills just as easily.

By the time they were finished had at least seen some rather interesting things. First of all, Shino wasn't the only bug user. The green haired girl from Taki has used beetles to achieve the same results as the shades wearing Genin. The red head kid was confirmed as a sand user while the guy with the body suit was also confirmed as a puppet user. The bun haired girl from Team 9, (Tenten or something?) had managed to rig a mirror and wire system to the ceiling. Hinata, Neji, and Sasuke of course had Hax-I mean Dojustu so they abused those. The sound kids he'd kept an eye on had managed to get lucky and copied off of a plant with the right answers, the real question is how. He presumed that they had something in terms of Sound manipulation and distinction but how did they apply that to Jutsu? Was it an advanced nature manipulation or was it a ninja tool? Kekkei Genkai? Whatever. His fellow blonde was his other worry. She did nothing to cheat. She just answered the questions based on pure experience. Half of these subjects they'd briefly glossed over as prospects Kakashi would teach them. Save they were Jonin level theory. Now how about that? Plus her teammates. The red head with the golden eyes, plus their escort who was apparently a Tokubetsu Jonin since their actual sensei was indisposed

Further contemplation was interrupted when Ibiki called time.

"The rules from here on in change. This is where we really put the pressure on you. For this question you have ten minutes to reply. You and your team must answer as one without the ability to communicate. Each team will be called, and you will be questioned, and you will all answer at the same time. If your answers vary or if they come with more than 3 seconds you will all be disqualified. Failure to answer within the immediate request of one will result in your disqualification. This question has **no** relation to the test you have taken and there will be no hints."

It was easy to see how rattled they were, "But don't worry you can choose not to take this question however that will also result in your disqualification." He met every pair of eyes there, "Finally. Should your team fail to answer this question correctly, you will be banned from taking any further Chunin Selection Exams."

Their outraged screams were music to Ibiki's ears.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT! HE CAN'T DO THAT?! RIGHT?! YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY!"

Kiba's outburst was met with the supportive roar of the remaining Genin (well…those that _hadn't_ already clued in), and while Ibiki was unshaken it was Naruto who put the final nail in the coffin. He turned and with a flat expression met Kiba's frantic gaze, "Doesn't he though?"

From there those of weaker will were crushed. Giving up left right and center. The plants being the first to go and set off the domino effect of disqualifications. Naruto saw Hinata's trembling out of the corner of his eyes. He quickly snapped his hand over hers and gave a comforting squeeze. Her shocked eyes met a cheeky wink and she settled. If Naruto had a plan she would put her faith in him. She just hoped one day he would be able to put his faith in her.

Ibiki simply kept an eye out, when he was sure there would be no more movement. He addressed the class.

"Final chance. Once you go past here there is no turning back. Are you sure this is wht you want?"

Not a single person moved.

"Good. Then…You all pass."

The silence was deafening. The white haired boy from Kumo voiced the question that plagued the unenlightened.

"Wut?" Naruto snickered while Ibiki answered, "You've passed."

The boy's head hit the desk while the head of T&I expanded, "In case you hadn't noticed this test was not supposed to be able to be answered by anyone Genin level. Truthfully unless you were already High Chunin Level or a certified genius you should have struggled. It was to force you to cheat and do so successfully. This was an intelligence gathering test, how well can you and your team collect information and the _correct_ information at that." A few of the Chunin plants came back in with mischievous grins, "We saw every instance of cheating but let those that cheat well get away with it. Those who failed to get the correct information, despite cheating well were failed." 7 out of the 16 plants raised their hands, "These men were all plants for you to cheat off of, those with raised hands had _false_ information disguised as the real deal. Anyone with a brain could have picked the answers apart and found where the discrepancies in the answers did not match the questions asked. Those that failed to discern this failed. Along with their teams."

At this Ibiki removed his bandanna. The mangled, brutalised state of his head bared with a feral grin. Burns, screw pockets, chunks where the skin had been peeled out and apparently regrown chilled the hopefuls to the bone.

"This," he stated firmly, "is the result of a lack of _real_ information while all that was left was lies and false leads. But this is also an example. I did not intend for this to happen nor did my superiors when they gave me a mission with all the information they had. It wasn't much, but could I decline? No. This is what it means to be Chunin and what that last question demonstrated. You _will_ be given missions without all the information. You _will_ given missions that are seeded with false information. You _will_ be expected to carry on anyway. This is what being Chunin means. Ability to gather and discern intel with accuracy and under pressure. Ability to stand firm in the face of danger and continue on when there are no guarantees. When retreat means failure, when advancement could mean death, when you have no idea what you're facing, to be able to charge ahead and turn the worst of odds to your advantage! That is what a Chunin is!"

No matter what your village, words like those put steel in you spine and perseverance in your soul.

"Now then," Ibiki retied bandanna, "You have officially passed the first stage of the Chunin Selection Exams! Your next task begins-"

There was a crash and shattering of glass as a black bundle rocketed through the only window in the room. Four Kunai bit into the ceiling and floor unfurling the bundle and the woman within.

'The Sexy and Single Mitarashi Anko!'

"RIGHT NOW! My name is on banner and I'm you next proct-NARU-KUN!"

"W-W-WAIT! ANKO YOU CAN'T RIG- **BLERGH!"**

His words were ignored as Anko bowled him clean over the deak and onto his back. Ibiki facepalmed. Hard.

Hinata twitched as she watched the mature Kunoichi snuggled the boy she liked. Kiba and Shino noticed the look in her eyes and winced, the next training session was going to hurt.

Half a second later Anko Was back in front of the class with Naruto snuggled to her chest. It was hard to take her seriously when the blonde hung in her arms, face blank and countenance similar to that of an annoyed cat. Though many had to admit envy as the Violette clutched the blonde to her chest like a safety blanket.

"As I was saying, I'm the proctor for the next exam! Meet me at Training Ground 44 in 15 minutes or you're disqualified! Don't know where that is? Tough luck!"

Naruto's eyes widened, "Anko wai-."

Whatever else was lost as she Body Flickered out with the blonde in her grip. Ibiki took to banging his head on the black board behind him, while the remaining Genin scrambled to move out in time or find someone who knew the way. Sasuke placed a hand on Sakura's shoulder. A split second later and they were gone in a swirl of leaves.

 **OooOOoooOoooOOooO**

Sasuke and Sakura arrived and found Naruto in a fairly compromising position. Anko sat seiza on top of a booth just outside of a massive fence, separating the edge of Konoha from a forest that simply _reeked_ of tragedy, blood soaked soil, and empty caskets. She also had Naruto's head laying on her thighs, fingers carding gently through his hair. Naruto for his part had given up on everything, and was simply feeding Anko Dango from a little Styrofoam box.

"Say 'Ahhh~' Nee-chan!"

Anko smiled brightly and leaned over to nibble the little ball of delight, "Ahhhn~ Nom~!" At this point both the rest of the Chunin prospects had arrived and shared the same expression of 'What even is this' no punctuation. Kiba seethed with internal jealousy along with may of the male populace. Hinata…Hinata's face was a beatific smile, the snarling face of a demon baring its teeth formed out of her pure unadulterated Killing Intent belied her angelic façade.

"Ara~ Who knew Naruto-kun was into this kind of thing!" Her fist clenched around the hilt of a kunai that was slowly warping out of shape beneath her grip. Through gritted teeth, "I'll just have to ask his pretty," the metal groaned, "clingy," the kunai resembled a pretzel now, " _overly affectionate_ Onee-chan all about him! Maybe discuss decency and the like!" By now the kunai was naught but crumpled steel.

Being her teammates, Kiba and Shino mustered all their loyalty to their comrade and took a step away to a safe distance.

"Ah! Naru-kun you have syrup on your fingers! Here let me."

They were treated to the sight of Anko licking his fingers clean. Slowly. Savoring every inch of his digits. Naruto's half-lidded eyes conveyed his compliance with the situation, repaying her with a gentle kiss on the nose before rolling off the roof to join his team.

Hinata's teeth grinding was audible and the monster behind her evolved into something distinctly serpentine, save for the shark maw it had and innumerable amount of eyes that formed in the blackness of it's ocular cavity. A clawed hand was starting to reach out of the darkness while eldritch chants issued from its multiple voice boxes. Naruto panned to her, wondering what the overwhelming source of dread was and whistled appreciatively, "Good job Hinata-chan! That's some mighty fine Murderous Aura ya have! Keep up the good work!"

It was like a door had slammed shut, the beast wailed as it was drawn back into Hinata's shadow when she returned to meek and sweet, "Ah…T-Thank you Naruto-kun. Y-You too."

' _Konoha ninja are weirdoes_ ' was a common theme in the foreigner's thoughts.

Anko clapped her hands and brought the attention back to her, "Now that everyone is here, or I at least hope everyone since you know disqualification, we can begin. This," she rattled the fence behind her, causing distant roars and abrasive chittering to seep out from between the trees nearest them, "is Training Ground 44 otherwise known as The Forest of Death!"

There was a collective gulp when a Centipede the length of few city blocks bodily tackled a perched bird the size of a general store out of a branch and onto the ground. There was a strangely human scream from the avian before a wet crunch and a gurgle finished the birds _very_ short and _very_ unfortunate cameo.

"And you will all be spending the next five days in here!"

"What about food?!"

"Figure it out or eat a teammate." Sasuke and Sakura couldn't resist a glance at Naruto, the boy noticed and pouted at them. What assholes!

"…This is too troublesome, can I quit now?"

"Nope!", the Tokubetsu Jonin responded cheerfully, "Even if you fail the next portion of this exam you _must_ enter and survive this forest! Isn't it great?!" No. No, it was not. "Anyway! Your next task is a capture and delivery mission!", here she produced three scrolls. One with the Kanji for Heaven, the next with the Kanji for Earth, and the Final one with the Kanji for Freedom. "Each team will receive either a Heaven or Earth Scroll to protect and transport. You must have a pair of these scrolls to move onto the next Test, meaning at least 50% of you will fail. Some to other teams, and some to the massive and voracious beasts in here. Or the venomous insects. Or the poisonous plants. Or maybe the carnivorous plants. Or the plants that are all of the above. Now then the third scroll," she waved it cheerfully, "will be given to random teams. There will be five of these scrolls in play which will give you a free pass in this exam. Sometimes, luck is just as much of a skill as anything else. The other option is to still complete your Heaven and Earth pair and keep this scroll as a free pass in the Third Exam. Up to you. No one will know who has what scrolls and to add insult to injury you must reach the tower in the center of this forest within the time limit.

Further more, you must be with your entire team. All of you pass or none of you pass. The scrolls must be unopened when you get there, otherwise…well…Both me and Ibiki are the head honchos at Torture and Interrogation. You don't _want_ to find out what will happen."

Once she was sure her slasher smile had impressed the importance of that onto them she nodded and pulled the neck of her mesh shirt down. Yanking a stack of sheets from between her cleavage, ' _Damn female Hammer Space!_ ' a certain blonde cursed miserably, "You all need to sign one of these. They're the standard waiver that says Konoha is not responsible if one of you ends up eviscerated or eaten or murdered or generally in a state befitting a closed casket funeral. I mean, how annoying would it be for me to have to take responsibilities for your deaths? Jeez we'd have to sift through Giant Tiger Shit for months just to find a hint of bones! Bad luck if the plants or insects get to you, they won't even leave that much behind!"

Anko's cackling echoed as she handed out the papers, leaving more than one team a trembling mess.

When Naruto's team got into the booth, they were promptly handed a Freedom scroll and an Earth Scroll.

"Nope."

"I'm sorry?" The Chunin behind the desk was baffled. "You don't want it?"

Team Seven shared a glance, "Nah. We wanna work for it. It would be a waste of all out training just to walk past everything we actually prepared for because of some good luck. All bets we'll find another one along the way and get buried up to our eyebrows in some form of shit storm involving an A+ Rank Nuke Nin or something."

The Chunin accepted the Freedom Scroll back from them, "…That's oddly specific."

Sasuke shrugged, "We're responsible for Zabuza's recruitment. Happened on our first C-Rank."

The Chunin nodded, "Welp, fair enough I guess. Good luck and don't die I suppose."

Minutes later they stood outside of Gate 35, almost exactly opposite to where they came in. There was also a fairly experienced Ame Team trying (and failing) to look intimidating at the gate to their left. The Kumo Team was on their right while the Taki Team without the Mint Haired girl was to their right trying (and also failing) to be intimidating. A meaningful nod passed between the two teams ad a silent agreement was made.

The staticky voice of the Proctor echoed out from the bull horns above the gates, "In five minutes the second stage begins. Good luck and most importantly…Don't die!"

The overseer in front of them nodded once and unlatched the lock on their gate. Team Seven and the unnamed man exchanged knuckle bumps and high fives. A buzzer sounded, the gate was flung open, Team Seven left divots where they once stood. The Chunin Exam Second Stage was underway.

Naruto looked down at the Ame Nin that were buried up to there necks. The other one was bound in ninja wire while Sasuke shamelessly pilfered their equipment. Sakura was examining the remaining umbrellas with interest.

Naruto poked the supposed leader with one of the spent ones, eliciting a growl and a curse.

"Is it me or were these guys pathetic? Like, this dude ranted about being elite for like three straight minutes and only used on Technique that really wasn't all that impressive. Between the three of us how many defensive techniques do we have that can block or neutralize that attack?"

Sasuke didn't deign to answer, these peons were a waste of time and he really couldn't be bothered to waste more breath on them. Sakura however…

"I think…15? Maybe 20 with some of the combinations we know? But you're right these guys were pretty pathetic. His monologue wasn't even that good. Naruto I've heard you sleep talk and I'm half certain you'd do better unconscious than this guys could with a week's preparation."

"Hn."

The blonde grinned, "Thanks! Though another Earth scroll is a bit annoying. You think the Kumo Team did better."

Sasuke lifted a hand from where he was sorting the Ame-Nin's supplies and pointed slightly up to their right, "Why not ask them? They've been staring at Naruto's ass for the past minute and a half."

The red head of the team was promptly on the ground ten feet away, red in the face, and pointing dramatically.

"I didn't stare! It was just a glance! Yeah! A quick one to make sure he only had the single shuriken pouch! Nothing more!"

Naruto gave her a slight frown before turning and giving his free cheek a firm ' _Slap!_ ', "Darn! And here I thought it was really nice. Sakura what do you think?"

Said girl was pinching her nose to stem blood flow while the other hand gave a thumbs up. Sasuke simply sighed into his palms.

The other blonde and the white haired boy joined their teammate with a sigh. The red head was trying to get a handle on her blush, difficult to do with Naruto palming a handful of _firm, toned, well-scultped ass_.

' _Fuck! I could bounce a ryo off that much meat! Wait…What about the front_?' She panned to the pinkette and if sensing here question Sakura mouthed ' _Huge_ '

A raised brow from the Kumo Konoichi.

Sakura held her hands apart and then made a ring with her fingers. Once more mouthing ' _Huge_ '. The two shared a perverted grin while the rest of their team was distracted.

While he two girls were busy heading off to dreamland the apparent leader of the Kumo Team stepped forward.

"Sorry to spy…well…actually not sorry. We're ninja but you know what I mean."

Naruto finally deigned to stop fondling his cheeks, "To be fair you guys are pretty good though. 'Specially you Ms. Leader, mighty light on ya feet ya know? I could barely hear your steps or even your breathing. You guys have skill."

A smile was her response, "Thanks, you guys are pretty alert too. Oh! Right. I'm Nii Yugito and these are my teammates Uzumaki Karui and Uzumaki Omoi."

Both were promptly tackled off their feet. Yugito drew blade in response but almost let it drop at the sheer ridiculousness she was witnessing.

The blonde of the team was holding the two off the ground in a happy hug. Both were slapping his shoulders in submission but the hold didn't seem to let up. Eventually he dropped them and with a smile that outshone the sun introduced himself.

"I'm _Uzumaki_ Naruto! These are my teammates Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura! Nice ta meetcha Big Bro, Big Sis!"

There was an awkward silence, then Naruto was bowled over by Karui. The two cousins simply hopped around happily in each other's arms. Omoi was far more reserved yet still smirked minutely.

Yugito let her guard fall at that and picked up the discussion where they left off, "Anyway," she pulled two _Heaven_ scrolls from her pouch, "you guys are in the same situation as us. Wanna trade and move off? We can watch each other's backs?"

While Sakura and Omoi had picked up a mild conversation, Sasuke was suspicious.

"And we know we can trust you…how exactly?"

Yugito nodded it was fair and Kumo hadn't the best reputation with Konoha after the Hyuuga incident. ' _Kami dammned council_ '

"No, that's fair. I can't really make any guarantees and Kumo hasn't exactly made too many good moves when it involves Konoha but we'll be real. You guys have the advantage here." She waved her hand in a gesture encompassing the forest in general, "And we have no clue what to look forward to so call it a minor hostage situation. We need the help and we can't pull anything without putting ourselves at risk. Flimsy, I know but I can't really think of much else.'

Sasuke eyed her. His gaze was intense, but not dismissive or disdainful, just analytical. She could almost see the thoughts flying past in his head.

"I still don't know…"

"EH?! We can't!" Sasuke made the mistake of looking at Naruto. His pout almost floored Yugito, she almost coughed blood at the sheer force of Cute that plowed into her. He looked like a puppy. A small adorable little puppy that just wanted to love you and keep you warm. And then you kicked it. All of it's excited yipping and happy little jumps reduced to pathetic whimpers as it laid on it's side, betrayed by those it loved.

"Bu-Bu-But my cousin!" his lip jutted out and started wiggled.

 _Critical Hit!_

"…Fine but Kumo Team takes point." Yugito couldn't blame him for caving. Naruto could force world peace with the sheer power of that pout. It was surprising though, something about this Team set her heart at ease. Or maybe it was because Naruto had picked his cousins up on his shoulders and took off running. Sakura took off behind him, scolding him for interrupting her and Omoi's conversation. Naruto's happy laughter was the only response. Sasuke sighed and pinched his nose even though his hands remained in his pocket. Then took off after his idiots.

Yugito couldn't resist a snicker, maybe Sasuke was the one that needed their help more.

Prophecy at it's finest Team Seven ran into trouble on the way to the Tower, "GET DOWN!"

Naruto barely manage to anchor himself and Yugito to the bough they'd been standing on when a blast of wind plowed headlong into their group. Sasuke grabbed Omoi while Sakura snagged Karui around the waist. The blast shredded Naruto's jacket and undershirt leaving him in his mesh shirt over a strange, skin-tight, black, backless, bodysuit. The frown on the blonde boy's face was compounded by slice on his cheek that was wept a thin trail of blood. Sasuke's Sharingan whirled sedately as he analysed the technique. Sakura was already at Naruto's side while Team Kumo was on guard beside Yugito. A nod and unspoken thank sent Naruto's way, Sakura's brief diagnostic was waved away while the Uchiha stepped forward.

"That was a ** _ Daitoppa_**. Completely overpowered, and the actual proficiency needed for that scale is beyond Chuunin. That's High Jounin, easily. Be warned we're facing someone above our skills by leaps and bounds."

"Kukukukuku~! How observant…Sasuke-kun."

The Kusa-Nin that rose from the branch across from them set all kinds of warning bells off. First, they hadn't sensed them. At all. Naruto was already panicking. While Haku had smelled of nothing till she got closer this guy didn't have ascent till he appeared. The _thing_ in front of him stank of blood so intensely the first few hairs on his head gave away the sheer death he was soaked in. When Naruto took a wary step back, Team Seven knew they were dealing with a real threat.

' **Orochimaru…you should have died all those years ago.'**

'Kurama? Wait! This is the guy?!' Naruto squinted, barely making out the unnatural shape of the Snake Man's eyes. The bestial slit of them gave him away. Also the long flickering tongue.

"Oi…", the Genin risked a glance his way, "That's Jiji's freak of a student…Mochi-Saru or whatever."

While the Kumo-Nin were slightly lost Sasuke hissed a vicious curse. Sakura paled and the Snake Man in question huffed a chuckle.

"Kukukukuku~ Despite that not even being close I have to commend you for figuring that out…Naruto-kun."

Naruto shivered all over and immediately started palming scrolls as he searched rapidly through a seemingly endless amount.

"Naruto what are you looking for?" The blonde didn't even afford Sakura a glance, "Chastity belt." The group plus Orochimaru slammed headlong into tree branch, "Something about this guys makes me worry for my innocence!" * **Poof!*** "AHA!" Lo and behold Naruto was indeed holding a Chastity belt.

The Sannin had enough of this farce. Holding back his Chakra, the traitor unleashed the full weight of his malice against them. Team Seven didn't even flinch. Omoi and Karui slammed onto their knees, only Yugito managed to keep her footing, even if she stumbled a bit. When that failed to get a reaction, only then did his foul Chakra leak. Their deaths played out in full scope over and over, each instant last than the worst. Burned alive, head crushed, turned inside out, throat slits, crucified, buried alive-

Naruto's potent Chakra flared disrupting the minor Genjutsu the Sanin had snuck into his pressure.

"Oh? Perhaps you aren't so bad Naruto-kun! You and Sasuke-kun make for such interesting specimen! Naruto-"

"Stop saying my name with such familiarity, scum." Naruto's sneer was something Itachi would have been proud of, in that it was implied rather than displayed and the sheer disgust in his eyes communicated everything he felt about the man.

"You disgust me so much I wanna throw my guts up and digest myself just so I don't have endure a second longer of your presence. The fact that you even breathe the same air as me is making the seconds till I die torture. Please crawl into whatever fucked up den of depravity you came from and die a bugs death. Alone, unloved, and not even worth becoming the shit of those above you. Hell I don't think shit personified could be able to bear your continued life. You're the type of horrific people gnaw their own arms off to get away from. Just die and stay dead."

Sakura's low whistle mirrored the other's appreciation. Hell the killing intent had let up while Orochimaru tried and failed miserably to process the pure unadulterated hatred that spewed from the young boy's lips. Kurama was cackling like a maniac in the mean time. He was so fucking proud! Kushina would be laughing like a loon too!

There was a brief silence before Orochimaru's face contorted into a rictus of rage, "What a cheeky brat. Got quite the mouth for someone out of their depth!"

A blitz of seals later, a puff of smoke, and Orochimaru proved his worth as a snake summoner. Unfortunately he was forced to evacuate his perch a split second later when team Seven replied in kind.

" ** _Katon: Kasumi Enbu!_** "

" ** _Fuuton: Kami Oroshi!_** "

 ****" ** _Katon: Karyuu Endan!_** "

Sakura's accelerant was rapidly pulled into Naruto's horizontal tornado. Then Sasuke's Dragon Flame Bulet impacted and hell on earth was unleashed.

" ** _Konbi Jutsu: Shiro Hoshi: Kangei Yosuru!_** "

The summon was annihilated, the tree it was curled in turned to ash, a trench was seared into the ground where the technique traveled. Team Seven cut the Chakra when the ground started to melt. The Kumo Team could only stare in slack-jawed awe. The scale of destruction the three had unleased was unprecedented for what should be a Greenhorns. Orochimaru's bad mood seemed to evaporate with his Snake summon.

"Go get help. Rush to the tower, we were only twenty minutes out last check. You have five. Move your ass."

Yugito stared blankly before Naruto snarled at her, eyes black and backlit by the red glow of the veins spidering through them.

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE! RUN LIKE _HELL_!"

One look at Orochimaru peeling his face off revealing another beneath it sealed the deal. While Team Seven held the Snake Sanin's attention Yugito yanked her teammates.

Karui sent her a desperate look, barely pulling her attention from Naruto's flaring Chakra, "But!-"

Yugito over-road her immediately, the first clash between the Leaf Traitor and the Leaf Nin sending her hair billowing.

"As we are now we'll get in the way. That kind of teamwork is made with blood sweat and tears, we don't fit there right now. The best we can do is get help!"

Any further protest was cut off when Naruto's body blasted through the tree they'd been standing on. He landed feet first on the next behind it, grabbed the falling trunk, and hurled it like an oversized javelin. The Snake was forced to bend backwards to dodge, had his legs swept by Sasuke who compounded his problems by anchoring the man to branch beneath him with kunai. The tree came back with a vengeance as Sakura wielded it like a mallet. Insult to injury, Sasuke set the whole ensemble on fire with the wire he'd yet to detach. Naruto finished it by punching the Orochimaru sandwich down to the ground, then burying it in a twenty foot crater with an axe kick.

Point driven home Omoi grabbed Karui's arm, yanking her forward with Yugito taking up the rear. Naruto said they had five minutes. They'd make it in two.

Eerie cackling announced Orochimaru's return to the battlefield. Team Seven watched with sick fascination as his jaw hit the ground (literally) and a brand new Orochimaru crawled out from his previous mangled form.

"COME! SHOW ME MORE OF YOUR POWER! THIS CAN"T BE THE END OF IT!"

Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto shared a glance, "If this isn't an emergency I don't know what counts."

"Hn."

"Cover me I'll go first."

Twin craters heralded the boys' departure form their teammate's side. A meaty 'thump' twin ' _Clangs_ ' interspersed with violent snarls and sick laughter. Sakura heard none of that. She wasn't like Naruto and Sasuke, she couldn't snap her restraints on a whim she needed focus. She unconsciously registered a kunai that had almost skewered her, dismissing it when Sasuke caught it an inch from her nose and returned it the Snake Summoner where it was replaced by Naruto's lightning fast **_Kawarimi_**. Sasuke was close behind, a pair of Kamas in hand he'd pulled from _somewhere_ when she hadn't noticed.

' _Enough! Focus! Find the tap, grasp it firmly…Now…Give it a gentle twist…FUCK THAT!_ '

"SASUKE! NARUTO!", both boys smirked at the black scrawl painting her visible skin hands forming the Ram Seal, "Let's go! On three! THREE **_KAI!_** "

Sasuke's grin became a touch feral, his hands snapping into a Ram Seal. " ** _KAI!_** "

Naruto was last, his usual exuberance replaced with laser focus hands clasped in the familiar Seal, " ** _KAI!_** "

All three looked like an abstract artists canvas, till each line glowed a vibrant blue and 'unwound', for lack of a better word, from around their limbs.

The three spoke a one, Chakra flaring into visibility around them, " _Resistance Seal Full Release._ " The glare the three leveled would've curbed a lesser man, Orochimaru only smiled wider, " _Game on freak face!_ "

The Forest exploded.

 **OooOooOOooOooO**

The thing about the Shinobi rankings was that they didn't follow a proper linear escalation. Power could be gained by anyone. Experience. Proficiency. Ingenuity. Those made the difference and each came with _surviving_ insurmountable odds and coming out bettered for the tribulations. As such it was a veritable _gorge_ between one level and the next. Using a zero-to scale it would run something like this;

Civilian/Non-combatant(0) = Genin (1,000) = Chunnin (1,000,000) = Jonin (1,000,000,000) = Kage (+1,500,000,000,000,)

So to say Team Seven was unskilled would be woefully incorrect. Hovering between Chunin and Jonin at their age was unheard of and exceptional to point of unbelievable. But this was Hebi Orochimaru. Amongst even Kage Level Ninja, he was an anomaly. So it wasn't surprising when he crushed most of Naruto's ribs driving blood, bile, and spit from his mouth. Testament to the boy's hardiness, even with his breathing strained he managed a grim hold on his opponent's extended fist. Sasuke and Sakura capitalised with everything they had. Orochimaru was not bothered one whit, doing what Zabuza had failed previously and holding both Sasuke and Sakura back with only one arm. Granted he made gratuitous use of the odd knee and shin block it was masterfully executed.

They did however buy enough time for Naruto to recover, the boy immediately pushing his recently healed ribs to the breaking point when he spat a point blank **_Renkudan_** while Sakura compounded on it with a ball of explosive tags. Sasuke grabbed her and cleared the blast radius with a Chakra enhanced jump. Naruto abused the recoil of his technique and fled the area. All three utilizing simple technique Naruto had shared with them, rapidly boosting the Oxygen content of the air around the Sannin right before the tags blew. The explosion was magnificent. The girth of the trees they hid behind the better part of why they survived such close proximity to the blast. An instinctual **_Kawarimi_** spared Sakura and Sasuke's life when Orochimaru's treasured Kusanagi split their cove in half at waist height. Team Seven regrouped, never taking their eyes off the Nuke-Nin. Orochimaru was chuffed at the skill of his interests. Sasuke he expected far less from so this to him was proof of his potential as a vessel, the other two however? Screw the consequences, he'd _have_ them even if it killed him.

"Kukukukuku~ What magnificent offence! How will you deal with defense I wonder?"

There was no warning, Naruto's eyes widened slightly before he swept Sasuke and Sakura's feet from beneath them. Kusanagi sailed well above their prone form, the arch of the extended blade shearing through air where their necks had been. A quick application of wind Chakra and Naruto divided the branch they were standing on from the tree and sent them into free-fall. Swinging under the branch, Sakura waited a split second for Naruto and Sasuke to clear the surface before she sent their previous foothold wind-milling through the air towards the Sanin. It bought nary a second when he carved through it but it served it's purpose well. The Illusory Bunshin that were Sasuke and Naruto faded out of existence while their true presence was revealed from within the shadows of the two halves of the branch.

Coating his hand with sharpened Wind Chakra, a bastardized attempt at Chakra Scalpels, Naruto dealt with Kusanagi while Sasuke focused on driving electrified finger tips into the main nerve clusters of the Snake's body. Impressive feats of flexibility were all that kept Sasuke and Naruto from being sliced paper thin. Orochimaru made judicious use of Kusanagi's extending capabilities to attack both the Genin with stabs and slices that transformed from feints to blows with less than a second's notice. Naruto delegated himself as the shield, turning his Chakra blades into small whorl shocks of air current that turned the blade away at every lunge. Sasuke became the sword, digits locked like claws and talons of light burning off his finger tips. Naruto and Sasuke made a formidable pair this way. Wind pushed and pulled Sasuke varying the angles at which his blows came from. Sparks flew of the brunette's hands, miniature flash bombs that disguised wind bullets flying from Naruto's palms between the gaps of Sasuke's limbs. Sakura made a vicious reappearance, the force of her straight-right splattering Orochimaru's head all over the forest. The body slumped before melting into a pile of mud. Sakura cleared their heads with a jump flying through handseals to land behind them.

" ** _Doton: Tajuu Doryoheki!_** "

" ** _Suiton: Hahonryu!_** "

Sakura's multiple walls barely made the cut against Orochimaru's maelstrom water torrent. Team Seven cleared the wet branch in time for Sasuke's **_Gian_** to conduct through and into Orochimaru. Drawing his head up until the beam connected directly with he Sannin flash frying skin and organs alike. When he finally let up, Sasuke was panting harshly. Naruto and Sasukra were immediately at his side, the latter with a Soldier Pill in hand. He took it and swallowed without chewing. Even with their collective guard up, Orochimaru's gleeful laughter still put them on the backfoot. They watched as he once more crawled free of his old 'skin' unharmed and hale before locking onto them with the intensity of a hawk.

"Kukukuku~! What wonderful prowess you have!" he frowned, "But I'm afraid Sarutobi is on the way with an ANBU squad." Those baleful yellow eyes narrowed, "Playtimes over."

It happened in a second. Sakura suffered a blow that sent her head first through six trees and buried her in a crater. Naruto was stabbed through his left kidney. Then split almost in two as the sword carved through his spine, right kidney, and out his flank. Sasuke's eyes widened in horror. The image of Sakura's flight leaving a splattering of blood was burned into his memory immediately. Naruto's wide eyes as his intestines were spilled all over the branch, the barely audible ' _Run!_ ' filled with his desperation for at least one of them to survive rang in his ears.

Sasuke couldn't move. The smell of blood-"Accept my gift! Sasuke-kun!"-Cold bodies lying lifeless on the ground of his home- Orochimaru's neck extending grotesquely, fangs poised for a bite- His parents head rolling off their shoulders as he walked into he room and red eyes marked with a tri-bladed pinwheel. ' _Foolish little Brother_ '

When Sasuke panned back to Orochmaru's approaching head, gone were the three tomoe. Three overlapping ellipses painted on a red background became his pupils. Unbridled rage backlit his Mangyekou and Orochimaru had only time enough to flinch.

" ** _AMATERASU!_** " The black flames of heaven consumed all in their path. The pocket of forest they were in became an inferno. Surrounded by the blaze but untouched Sasuke cradle Naruto's limp body to his chest. Tears of blood staining the boy's fur lined hoody. Orochimaru realized that he'd made a mistake. He'd played with his food for too long and now was suffering for it. A quick shed (along with a good portion of his Chakra) rid him of his old body and he watched as it was burned to ash. And then that ash was burned out of existence. Sasuke's eyes found his form immediately. The veins in his eyes spiking into stark relief with his rage. Chakra was pouring into the next **_Amaterasu_**. The Uchiha was hell bent on ensuring all that was left of the scum before him would be a memory. Then, _he'd **burn** that out of existence as well!_

At least…that was the plan.

Naruto's body twitched, and in his surprise Sasuke let the flames die. Even Orochmaru was startle at what happened next.

The blond rose like a door on hinges, organs slithering back into his gut like a tape on reverse. The fringe of his hair casting his eyes in shadow. Sasuke was familiar with the red on black eyes his teammate sported. He wasn't familiar with the fact that Naruto had _five_. A black mask had formed on his face, his regular eyes beneath it, two more spread like a peacocks feather's just above his brow. The last opened vertically in the middle of his forehead. The final change. Each one had a slit pupil.

They moved individually of each other. Spinning and glancing and peering before they locked on Orochimaru. The smile that spread on the boy's face was filled with malice…and completely lacking anything that even remotely resembled sanity.

" **HELLO! I'LL BE YOUR HOST FOR TODAY AND WE'LL BE HAVING YOU FOR DINNER! PLEASE REMEMBER TO SCREAM AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT KEEPING YOUR HANDS INSIDE THE VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES! WE'RE ABOUT TO CHEW THEM OFF ANYWAY! _AHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAHYA~!_** "

Six wings and eight tails exploded out of Naruto's back, all coated in a caustic red chakra. The smile on his face succeed where Orochimaru failed and split his head in half.

" **THanKS For ChOOSinG UZuMaKI NaRUTo aS YoUR PaRTnEr ToDAy! Let's DAncE!** "

An hour later, Sarutobi and company appeared in a clearing. Only problem? There hadn't been a clearing here before. They glanced about at the desolate land, slash marks littered the ground and fallen trees. Some were sporting literal bite marks and others looked like they'd been thrown through a supersized shredder. Alternatively other spaces had been cleared by a massive three fingered hand. Tree, rock, and ground hyper compressed into five-foot-deep impressions. A closer look at some of the tree stumps looked like a giant pair of scissors had been taken to them. All of this compounded with scorched craters that hinted at intense flame burning holes into he ground.

Whatever had happened here had well and truly pushed Team Seven. However, with no Orochimaru in sight, they could not interfere further. With clenched teeth and fist, Sarutobi prayed that Team Seven was alright.

He nodded at Usagi, "Find any trail or evidence you can, then clear out. Any interference with the exams without further evidence will be seen as favoritism."

The ANBU Squad nodded and vanished. Hiruzen eyed the only set of tracks he could make out.

' _Kami watch over you…Naruto._ '

 **O** **O** **OoO** **O** **O**

Sakura awoke to a pounding head ache, a cool clothe on her face, and finally complete numbness below her neck. She almost went into shock right there but cool headedness prevailed. A couple of deep breathes calmed her worries. She could feel the Chakra circulating in her body as well as Sasuke's Chakra forming a barrier at the base of her neck. A medical technique designed to keep patients from straining themselves when nerve damage was suspected. A good call on his part, the blow she'd taken from that slimeball Orochimaru might've killed her if she was a lesser woman. It was only quick thinking that let her completely relax her body but keep all the muscles along her neck and spine tensed. It let most of the shock conduct along her muscles and out through her extremities without straining her spine. Too bad it was an absolute _assload_ of shock. Her thoughts were a bit foggy too. ' _Minor concussion?_ ' probably not, Sasuke wouldn't have let her fall asleep otherwise. A quick flex and she undid Sasuke's barrier and immediately hissed at the pain in her body she hadn't been aware of. ' _Priorities first_ ' a quick **_Shosen_** revealed that despite her best effort a couple disks were cracked. She winced at that but she could heal that. He ribs had suffered and so had her arms and a bit of her pelvis. The most intact part of her was her legs, suffering some minor sprains at the ankle.

It took barely ten minutes to fix everything (thank Log her chakra had replenished while she slept) and by the time she was done there was a rustle at the entrance to…the cave? She didn't relax when Sasuke's head peaked in, kunai in one hand and a set of shuriken in the other she watched as he raised his hands.

"Kakashi-sensei has silver hair but Naruto pretends it's grey and always accuses him of…?"

"Being impotent. He even asked Hokage-sama if he suffered a similar problem. Then dove out the office window."

Sakura relaxed immediately and flopped back into her bed roll. Finally taking in the sheer size of the hollowed out tree stump she was in.

"How long was I out?"

The Uchiha knelt beside her, placing another cool clothe on her head along with a bowl of some sort of stew he'd put together with a liberal application of Fire Chakra.

"It's been two days. Naruto is still out cold and of the three of us I was the least injured. A couple of Soldier Pills, Blood Pills, Food Pills, and as much as my amateur **_Shosen_** as I could manage without exhausting myself and I was set."

Sakura pulled her forearm from where it lay across her eyes, both of which narrowed at him, "How many pills?"

Sasuke winced. More of a slight tightening around his eyes than a full facial movement but she caught it none-the-less, "Lost about 1.5% of my body fat off of the Soldier Pills and Blood Pills combined. Food Pills helped but had to send a **_Kage Bunshin_** out for actual nutrition otherwise we'd be in dire-straits."

Sakura sighed but accepted that desperate times called for desperate measures. "What about the Kumo Team? Yugito and them alright?"

The boy shrugged, "They made it but I doubt they've been allowed back into the forest since they completed the exam. Hokage-sama actually came into the forest himself. I felt the spike in his ire," the boy shivered here, old or no Sarutobi Hiruzen was nothing short of a man made natural disaster with lazer focus built in, "and he came to reinforce along with an ANBU squad. Orochimaru was long gone though, thankfully it gave us a chance to run as well."

There was a strained silence, punctuated only by the lightest snores from Naruto's unconscious form.

"…What happened? Any scenario I think of, one of us should be dead," she missed the wince the brunette pulled, this time full blown, "and the others should be in pieces." This time she did catch the grim expression on the boy's face. She didn't press, just waited patiently. It was 15 minutes later, after she'd ate, wiped herself down as much as possible, and gave Naruto a cursory check over before Sasuke spoke again.

"I think…I think I unlocked a new stage of the Sharingan but I'm not sure." Sakura twisted and watched as Sasuke activated the usual Third Stage before the tomoe began to thin and stretch into a star made of overlapping ellipticals. As quickly as it came he let it go, "But it puts a massive strain on my eyes and chakra. I unlocked some other kind of technique but a lot of it was unconscious. I…I…I hope I'm wrong but…I think my sanity snapped for a split second."

Sakura only stared. Wasn't much to say to that, though the haunted expression on the boy's face was enough for her to scoot over and wrap him in a hug. Testament to how shaken Sasuke was that he only curled up in her grip instead of even managing some sort of gruff grunt. She didn't bother to manage time, just held him till the tremors passed. A grateful nod was sent her way but she waved it off and sat by his side against the rough bark of their little hovel.

"Naruto broke too." That startled the girl fiercely, "Orochimaru pretty much split him in half. While I was busy trying to burn him to ash, something pulled too far in there. He stood up with no visible mark on him save the tears in his bodysuit but when he raised his head…well…I don't think I have words for that. He had some sort of mask that was glued to his forehead and around his eyes. Somehow, and please don't ask me to explain I have no idea, his RC Cells formed a second set of eyes of the edge of his brow and a fifth in the middle of his forehead. Then his Kagune formed into something I've never seen before. More wings. More tails. All covered in that Red Chakra I told you about. The whole time he reeked of bloodlust and just… _death_. That Chakra cloak burned everything it touched like acid. When two horns sprouted out of the mask and the whole thing covered that fucking Glasgow Grin on Naruto's face things really got out of control. The Chakra started moving on its own, defending and attacking independently, leaping off of wherever it was clinging to his body to tear chunks out of Orochimaru. The freak finally left when some Red/Blue/Puerple orb started forming at Naruto's mouth. He spun to me next and despite having no intention of attacking, just spouting some nonsense about someone named Kurama being glad Snake Freak didn't take my virginity, I panicked and knocked him out with the highest tier Genjustu I know. When he passed out, I grabbed you, grabbed him, and hauled ass till we were safe."

Sakura only nodded. Again, what the hell do you say to that? She was startled when Sasuke wrapped her in a hug.

"?!" _Critical Meltdown Imminent! Will Shutdown to Prevent Damage! Cancel Shutdown [ **Y** / **N** ]? Shutdown Aborted! Warning, Heat Levels Exceeding Safe Values!_

Sakura's mini-freak out came to halt when the boy sniffled against her shoulder.

"I thought you were dead…"

She settled for letting him cling to her. If she heard any sobbing or her shirt got wet, well…it was probably just dust in his eyes.

 **O** **O** **OoO** **O** **O**

Naruto woke abruptly 40 minutes later.

" _DON'T TRY AND SHAKE MY HAND AFTER PICKING YOUR NOSE!_ "

Naruto's breathing calmed when he saw Sakura and Sasuke staring at him. When the previous events came back to him he flopped back onto the futon Sasuke had laid him on.

"We made it out alive?"

"Hn."

"Everyone is in one piece and no crippling injuries?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"…Let's get the fuck out of here. Get to the Tower. And then sleep for as long as possible."

"Agreed."

"Seconded."

"Yippee Team Seven woohoo~!"

It took the collected group 25 minutes, traveling at a reduced pace just to make sure no injuries were exacerbated or agitated, before the tower was within sight. Of course then they ran into three idiots that thought regular **_Bunshins_** were actually worth something.

Sasuke's voice rang out, "Drop the illusion and fight us yourselves or we'll annihilate the clearing with you in it."

The clones laughed, the Ame-Genin's voices echoing out from wherever they hid, "As if we'd fall for something that stupid! Hand over you scrolls or get dead! Your choice."

Naruto and Sasuke jumped back to where they entered the clearing from, Sakura coming to stand between them. All three flew through hand seals, accidently pumping in extra chakra due to their irritation;

" ** _Ninpo: Abura Kawanonagare!_** "

" ** _Fuuton: Daitoppa!_** "

" ** _Katon: Karyuu no Goen!_** "

The oil spewed from Sakura's lips was picked up and cascaded by the condensed whorl-shock that Naruto blasted out. The entire clearing was drenched even as the river of accelerant and high oxygen air continued to tear forward. Then Sasuke's flames hit. Maybe it was the unlocking of the next stage of Sharingan but his flames seemed to burn more intensely. A blue wave rocketed out of his throat and the clearing became The Inferno. Within Naruto the Kyuubi cackled with glee before feeding Naruto just a touch of his chakra transforming the wind Naruto was releasing into pure oxygen. Flames flared white, and then came the shockwave.

Thirty feet away the Sound Team that was tasked with testing Sasuke to see if he was worthy of being Orochimaru's vessel decided that the massive swathe of ashen forest was more than enough evidence and retreated quickly.

Though not the typical red carpet, Team Seven arrived at the tower in style none-the-less. A tag along in the form of a red headed girl whom they'd inadvertently saved (and almost accidently roasted) when their torrent of flames flash fried the bear that had mauled her teammates to death and 'almost' ate her. Almost being the operative words, but the reason for prevention was different than what she'd expected…

Oh well! At least she made it to the tower, plus the blonde was a cutie!

Naruto shivered at the quiet ' _Hue_ 's that escaped the girl's lips, he could feel her gaze lingering on him (mostly his ass) and he cursed/lauded his amazing genes. For whatever reason though he had a feeling it was his dad's fault for the quality of his ass. With the tower getting closer he shelved the thoughts for another time.

Team Seven being Team Seven with the modifiers Annoyed, Stressed, Tired, and Irritated didn't bother to check for traps and kicked the tower doors off their hinges and embedded them in the walls behind.

[Inside the tower and watching through the cameras Genma turned to Kakashi, "That's not supposed to be possible." Kakashi only shrugged]

Looking up at the inscription, "If you lack Heaven seek knowledge. If you lack Earth seek to strengthen your body. When both come together- _blah~blah~blah~blah~!_ Who wrote this fortune cookie bullshit?!"

Naruto grabbed both scrolls unrolled them and threw them where they landed in an 'X' and began to steam. There was a 'Puff' of smoke and suddenly Iruka was standing there. "Congratulations on passing the Second Stage of the Chuu-" * **Snore!** *

Iruka sweatdropped at the sight of Team Seven face down and snoring while a fidgeting red head stood watching over them, "Umm…Hi! I'm Uzumaki Karin and these guys saved me! Err…I don't suppose you have a room for us?"

Iruka sighed. ' _Honestly. Kakashi's Genin are such a handful_ '

"…Sasuke."

"Hn."

"Why are you cuddling me?"

"…Iruka dropped us all here and the memory of you getting split in half is till haunting me. Sakura is at your back and I'm clinging to her just as much if it makes you feel better."

"Wasn't a problem really. The real issue is that our limbs are tangled and I have to pee."

"Make a clone and replace with it. Sakura's hiding it well but she needs the rest and comfort of us near. She didn't see you bisected but her medical scans painted a clear enough picture."

"How are you holding up though?"

"…Ask me when I'm calm enough to stop being clingy."

"Hn"

Naruto ignored the slight smirk the Uchiha sported at him for stealing his signature grunt. Swapping with a silently produced clone, the boy made his way to the bathroom. Warm from his shower and bladder empty, Naruto walked out the door of the bedroom and into a small sitting area. Couch, Table, and Karin chewing through a severed arm from his personal stash.

"…."

"…This isn't what it looks like?"

"…"

"I have some explaining to do don't I?"

"Hn."

There was some awkward shuffling (mostly on Karin's part) until Naruto grabbed the same scroll she'd found his 'food' in, unsealed a meaty leg, and took a chunk out of the thigh. As it were, eating people didn't lend itself well to social decorum so Naruto unsealed a bib for each of them. If Karin took issue with the little smileys with 'X's for eyes it was hard to get out around the thick Humorous she was eagerly slurping the marrow out of. Naruto was at least polite enough to wait for breakfast to be finished (it gave him more time to chew through all the little bones in the feet. They were like little hard candies really, one crunch and sweet explodes from the inside!) before sweeping up the scraps and sitting back at the table with Karin across from him.

"So…My name is Uzumaki Karin. Sorry I didn't get to introduce myself but your teammate's, 'Fuck off till after we've had a proper rest' was pretty hard to misinterpret. Umm…I'm a Ghoul from Kusa where me and mom moved after years on the run and I'm here with my- I mean _without_ my team now I guess, for the Chuunin Exams. I guess you can see how well that ended for them huh?"

The little bashful smile and blush sealed it. Before she knew it Naruto had hoisted her into a hug and snuggled her happily. His cries of, 'Cousin!' went completely ignored as Karin blushed bright red and passed out with a nosebleed.

It would take several minutes before she came to, still glued to Naruto's chest by strong arms. They would then spend the next half hour swapping stories until Sasuke came out followed shortly by Sakura. The brunette simply raised and eyebrow getting a beaming smile out of Naruto.

"She's my cousin or something! She's an Uzumaki like me, and she has the same Bloodline!"

Sasuke wanted to point out that Naruto himself had previously claimed no affiliation to the Uzumaki, simply stating it was probably a coincidence but decided that his happiness could be a path to more info. That was a couple dots connected already. Tazuna had said that the Uzumaki had strange bloodlines while Kakashi had emphasized the red hair. Considering Karin had both this provided a definitive link between Naruto and the Uzumaki Clan. Now all he needed to know is if Uzumaki Kushina was indeed his mother and who his father was to have given Naruto such _radically_ different physical features when the red hair was supposed to be a dominant trait in the clan. Maybe finding out who he was would give them the clues they needed to lock down the source of red chakra within Naruto.

Sasuke's eyes flickered to Sakura and he could tell that the exact same thoughts had sped through her head. A miniscule nod was all he gave to acknowledge they were on the same page before Sasuke stepped forward and extended a hand (carefully ignoring the less than _savory_ expression the girl sported in comparison to Naruto's 'innocent' smile), "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. A pleasure to meet you and glad our team idiot will have another trusted person at his back."

Ignoring Naruto's indignant 'Hey!' Sakura stepped forward and bowed politely, "Haruno Sakura. Nice to meet you and thank goodness we have someone else to help keep an eye on him, He's a walking catastrophe waiting to happen and it's a miracle he hasn't leveled the village in the few hours he goes unsupervised."

By now Naruto was crying crocodile tears into he table while Karin patted his back and returned the greetings good naturedly.

"By the way, how'd you figure out she had the same bloodline?"

Naruto raised his head, "She was eating the right arm of that dude that tried to sneak out with the ANBU Patrol Schedules for the next month or so. I told you about him, he was my last mission at T&I before I had to put distance between me, Ibiki, and Anko since they were hosting exam stages."

Karin was surprised by how well Team Seven was taking this, at least until…

"OH RIGHT! We have to tell Hokage-jii-sama about everything that happened in the forest! Come on! Let's see if we can't cover your existence up and add you to Konoha by pretending you got killed with your teammates by that bear!"

Her protests were lost in the wind as Naruto took off with her held bridal in his hands. Sasuke and Sakura took off as well. Now would be the perfect time to get answers. What better way than to back their cagey teammate into a vice between them and the Hokage.

 **O OoOoOO**

The ANBU that tried to stop them from seeing the Hokage lost the battle in record time. A combination of Naruto's shouting and the sneering on Sasuke's face did well to put him in his place.

That and Sakura's parting shot of, "Welp. Better go get breakfast and wait the five days we need for the official request to go through, making he critical information we have on Hebi Orochimaru's presence within the Chuunin Exam obsolete and possibly incurring the deaths of loyal shinobi that could be prevented. I wonder how hard the Hokage would come down on the individual that caused that? Oh well! Guess we won't find out!"

The ANBU in front of them was frozen, W-W-Wait! I might have been too hasty! Gimme five minutes-!"

"Sasuke I heard they have those Onigiri you like, we should go get some before they run out."

Team Seven (plus Karin still being carried by Naruto) turned to leave-

"THE HOKAGE WILL SEE YOU RIGHT NOW! THERE WAS AN OPENING IN HIS SCHEDULE AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

The ANBU's stilted laughter was music to Sakura's ears. ' _Ah~! The sweet taste of trampling over the weak of will_ ' She needed to thank Naruto, she would have never been this vindictive without him.

Either way they were set before Hiruzen, his amused smirk letting them know that he'd heard everything that had happened outside his door, and welcomed them warmly.

"Team Seven. It's good to see you in one piece. You do your village and Kage proud by making it this far, especially when a force like Orochimaru stood against you." All warmth drained from his face, "Now. Report."

Naruto set Karin on her feet before straightening and joining his teammates at attention. Sasuke (Being the one that was conscious the longest) expanded on the events of the forest. His Sharingan leant itself well to the report but also left those that were unconscious dumbstruck.

"I got my Kakuja?/You're a Kakuja?"

Naruto and Karin became the center of attention from there. Explaining how they found out about Karin and her history as an Uzumaki and discussing the methods behind how Tsunade (a slip of the tongue revealing that she was Naruto's godmother) had provided the avenue of Naruto's Kakuja powers. Which in turn lead to the journal coming to light. The glare Sakura shot Naruto made him wince, Sasuke's cold shoulder was probably worse though. He'd been ignored for long enough in his short life thank-you-very-much. Though the real regret came from when Hiruzen gave the floor to questions. Sasuke stepped forward and immediately sent the room into lock down.

"What does Naruto's blood relation to Uzumaki Kushina have to do with his status as an orphan? Obviously, she was recognized as part of the clan as a blood to Uzumaki Mito," Naruto blanched and panned to Kakashi, mouthing 'How does he know that?!' Kakashi could only shrug, "so why would Naruto remain under 'Orphan' Status when we had proven relation to a clan that bordered on royalty?"

The silence was foreboding and only gave Sasuke room to press the court while the ball was in his control.

"You," he stared Hiruzen down, "had to have known exactly who she was and buried the information but that doesn't explain why? The bloodline would be safe beneath Tsunade's protection but that's not enough. It would have to stem from his father which leaves the 'Who' also being the 'Why'."

"Uchiha-san that's enough-"

"But his features aren't that of a Yamanaka and neither would some sort of relation between the last Uzumaki and a Yamanaka be hidden since that would further build relations to the clan and strengthen bonds."

Naruto was put in a Full-Nelson to keep him from shutting Sasuke up while Kakashi found himself frozen with a stasis seal ("Sakura he needs to-MMPH!").

"The other issue is Naruto's eyes are _Sapphire_ and not the traditional pupil less green of the Yamanaka and based on a picture of Kushina-sama from old Bingo books it had to be another blond with _Blue_ eyes the likes of which were found only in the Fourth Hokage."

Naruto slumped. Too late.

"Which would be understandably kept quiet but it doesn't end there," by now the door had been sealed and about twenty five different privacy seals had been activated as well, "since it would be kept under wraps _but_ none of the villagers would **_hate his fucking guts for breathing_** there's more to the story. So let's ask another question without an answer: What in the name of the Log is the red Chakra tied tightly to Naruto's own?"

The silence was expected but not welcome.

"I see. The adults all know but why do the children of this generation have no idea? It would never have come to me if we didn't talk about Uzumaki Mito's status as the _first_ Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi which implies there were more than just her. Sakura memorizing the entire Konoha Libray really helped here."

Naruto received a sock to the gut that forced him to his knees. Sasuke caught him in an arm bar, then twisted into a scissor lock, before pinning him in a Boston Crab while Sakura took over.

"See it was stated quite blatantly that the Kyuubi had far too much power for a simple Object to hold it back whereas Suna and Kumo both had specialized sealing tools to hold back their respective Bijuu. In Kumo's case it was the Hachibi which mean the gap between the Kyuubi and the Hachibi was exponential. So not only must the Kyubi be sealed in a Human Being it must also be sealed into an Uzumaki as it was only their potent Chakra and Longevity that allowed the beast to be kept at bay successfully for any length of time."

By now Kakashi's chakra had wormed out of the seal and he'd made moves to quite them but was stopped by a subtle motioning of Hiruzen's eye-brow.

"So we checked further records. Naruto was born on October Tenth exactly thirteen years ago and the day the Kyuubi appeared in the middle of the village _as if summoned_ where it proceeded to rampage. Both Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato died that day but having taken the Kyuubi with them. The idiot masses believe the beast died that day but as a Being of Pure Chakra there is no conceivable way to kill it. It would reform just like the Rokubi and Yonbi from Mizu and Iwa respectively who had lost there Jinchuuriki to the raid on Uzu no Kuni in the Second Great Ninja War. This leaves very few options. One is that the Fourth found away to seal the beast somewhere it would never see the Light of day, unlikely since the power shift would invite disaster. The Jinchuuriki are unwilling engines of war and to be without one when other nations have _two_ would be rolling a red carpet out for invasion. The other and likely more realistic is that the Fourth sealed it into an Uzumaki child where it would be imprisoned properly and Konoha would have a Shinobi who would eventually be able to call on it's power in combat. However Jinchuuriki are not _ever_ known to be readily welcomed which would explain quite a lot about Naruto's situation since his heritage is buried beneath a mile of politics and paranoia."

Naruto laid defeated on the floor beneath Sasuke. This really wasn't how he wanted this to come to light.

"So let's wrap this up. Based on the gathered evidence not only is Naruto the Heir to the _entire_ Uzumaki Dynasty he is also the third incarnation of the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki after his mother Uzumaki Kushina but the son of Konoha's most lauded and premier Shinobi considered to be a once in a life time prodigy, the Fourth Hokage Namikaze Minato."

Hiruzen was lucky it was Team Ro and Yuugao in the room otherwise the Village's dirty laundry would have been spread across the Elemental Nations faster than the Yondaime's own Hiraishin.

Sasuke pegged the adults in the room with a hefty glare, "Tell us if we missed anything."

Sautobi Hiruzen looked and felt _so fucking old_ right now. Log dammnit if a couple of green-as-grass Genins put this together had anyone else? Should he expect assassins from Iwa in the morning? Another 'Diplomatic' envoy from Kumo? Maybe Mizu would like to make a claim for a 'Citizen' since Uzu had been 'claimed' as part of their lands? Fuck he was way too old for this particular brand of shit.

The man sighed but straightened back up into War Hardened Veteran between one instant and the next, "What you have rooted out is a Kage Class EX Rank Cover-up and this comes with many, _many_ restrictions. You will not act on this information. You will not discuss this information among yourselves. You will not even contemplate this information with in the quiet of your mind. You will hear these words, and then _never_ consciously consider them unless it is in my presence or beneath a security matrix complex enough to keep Jiraiya of the Sannin out. Uzumaki Karin, you have already heard too much. As far as your village is concerned you died in that forest and were eaten alive. If so much as a peep of what I'm about to tell you gets out I will have every single person executed even if they only heard the punctuation in your sentences about this subject. Do you understand?"

Team Seven stood side by side at attention. Karin felt she was in over her head but decided being sworn to secrecy was the lesser of two evils. The other being decapitated to prevent leaks.

"This will reveal a decade old incident that still leaves my mouth tasting of bitter ash and failure. The night the Kyuubi was released was a cluster fuck of a mess no one saw coming. Two things that should have not been known beyond a few supposedly 'trusted' advisors including myself and my late wife got to those with the ability to make use of it. The first is that a female Jinchuuriki's seal is weakest at child birth, leaving them vulnerable without an appropriate Seal Master present to help. I left it to Minato while my wife was Kushina's mid-wife. The Second thing was the location outside of the village that Minato had used for the birthing chamber, which was covered in so many seals and security measures that the only way to by pass them was to bypass Space itself."

Here the Hokage poured multiple dishes of Sake, in a moment that would never be seen again, the ANBU removed their masks, sat by the team, their Hokage, and curled their fingers around a dish each. They sipped only after Hiruzen had taken his first.

"A masked individual utilizing an advanced form of Jikukan Ninjutsu entered the birthing chamber, slaughtered the ANBU and my wife, then proceeded to jam a Kunai in Naruto's newborn mouth and demand Minato hand over the 'Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi'. Here's where the details cut out. Minato had barely enough Chakra to spare on Kage Bunshin but he got most of the important details down. Naruto was in danger and he managed to save him but at the cost of Kushina's kidnapping and the subsequent release and summoning of the Kyuubi within the walls of the village. The entirety of the time it was allowed to rampage Minato spent fighting the masked individual before finally forcing his retreat. Past this Minato helped push the Bijuu back and eventually teleported it away where Kushina used the last of her strength to subdue the beast beneath her **_Kongon Fuusa_** , allowing Minato to seal it away. Although, those words don't do what Minato did justice. What he did was Summon and incarnation of the Shinigami itself which split the Chakra of the beast in half before sealing the Yang portion into Naruto and dragging the Yin portion into the stomach of the Shinigami along with his soul. Kushina and Minato's cold bodies were found cradling Naruto in their last moments. Everything else was detailed out by the short note Minato's clone left."

The man slammed two full dishes back before he settled for sipping again.

"Now this is the painful part that sparked the most shameful incident in the history of Konoha. It was widely seen and recognized that the Sharingan was used to subjugated the-"

"WHAT?! HOW?! WHO THE FUCK-"

Naruto cut Sasuke's tirade off and gestured to Hiruzen who was waiting patiently to continue. The boy swallowed the bitter rage and caustic sadness with a force of will. Despite this his Mangyekou spun with his impatience.

"The masked man was an Uchiha, that much was confirmed but not out of our locale populace. He was from outside of the village, having apparently claimed to be Uchiha Madara but we are not sure. All we know that he desires the Bijuu and Konoha's destruction. The shape of the Sharingan in the Kyuubi's eyes was too much to hide and with the clan having been moved to the outskirts of the village durning Tobirama's rule made it too easy for the clan to be essentially divided from Konoha. Not to mention barely a handful of Uchiha were seen fighting the Kyuubi it compounded on the growing suspicion and distrust."

The Third's ire spiked into visibility with a shroud of potent Chakra that splintered his desk, "Though _someone_ was inciting unrest and discrimination against them and when I find them…"

The group did not need to know. They would die. Slowly. Painfully. Likely hanging on to sanity by a thread.

"And that lead to the negotiations that would hopefully prevent civil war." Sasuke's eyes widened in understanding, the meetings, the armaments, why every Uchiha was constantly ready for battle, the hidden messages within conversations he could never pick up, and why Itachi was constantly on edge.

"The Uchiha had planned a Coup D'état for the slights that had been leveled against them. I agreed whole heartedly especially since they were one of the founding clans of the village but nothing could satisfy Fugaku. He took my willingness to deliberate as weakness and would not settle for anything less than complete control of the village and its interests. So we relied on the spies we had within. We had planned on having Uchiha Shisui trap them in a Genjutsu but that was made inviable when Shisui 'committed suicide' and was found with both his eyes missing. See Shisui like you Sasuke had unlocked his Mangekyou and through this gained the ability **_Kotoamatsukami_** , a powerful Genjutus with the ability to overwrite the entirety of a person's psyche to fit your needs. In other words, perfect mind control. Someone got wind of this and then he 'disappeared' before this plan could be enacted. We were left with one choice at that point. Initially the only casualties would be the leaders of the Coup while the women and children were left but another person was there that night and helped Itachi but did not stick to the plan. He slaughtered anyone and everyone leaving only you Sasuke. Itachi took the fall and went 'rogue' and we picked up the pieces to ensure the 'Last Loyal Uchiha' would make it to adulthood and hopefully found a new and welcomed Uchiha Clan."

There was silence. An entire clan. The _entire fucking clan_. Gone. And a loyal Shinobi ousted from his home because someone within the system got greedy, leaving no other option but genocide. Power like Shisui's…there was no way someone else wouldn't crave it.

"Who's the most likely suspect? For the theft of Uchiha Shisui's eyes."

Hiruzen had left two bottles out for the guests and had a single one in hand.

"There is no suspect, we know exactly who did it," Sasuke's eyes shrunk, bloody tears starting to pool from his eyes, "but we have no concrete proof and he has the Daimyou's backing. If I move on him without solid evidence it would be as if I spat in the eyes of the Daimyou. I'd lose my position as Hokage and he would have avenue and support to take over unimpeded."

Sasuke calmed, that was to say he went from 'Incinerate the Village' to 'Incinerate _Half_ the Village'.

"Name?" the boy gritted out.

"Shimura Danzo"

Sasuke nodded, awkward silence ensued.

"What had been revealed this day is nothing short of tragedy upon tragedy upon betrayal upon atrocity. You may not act upon these facts, but I give you free reign to act upon anything that may _come_ from the knowledge of these events."

There were incredulous looks while Team Seven froze, dumbstruck.

Hiruzen bowed his head till it touched his desk, "It should never be your burdens. Many wrongs have fallen against you due to the foolishness of the generation before yours. It was up to us to ensure a brighter future for all of you but all we've done is set the blight of our mistakes upon your path. I ask- no. I beg of you, should you find a way help me pave a path to the future you deserve. I will do all I can to aide you should you ask for it."

Team Seven shared a glance.

"Nah."

The Hokage was justifiably startled. "Wut?"

Sasuke spoke, wiping the blood that had tracked down his cheeks away, "It might be your mistake but it's our problem now. We'll get the information from you but we'll do it on our own power. We'll turn this village on its head and cut the scum out of it with a blunt Kunai if it comes to that. More importantly, raise your head Hokage-sama, you've done your best. It is all anyone can ask of you."

Hiruzen slumped, weight he hadn't even known was there slid off his shoulders. Watching as the team bantered he couldn't help but swell with pride.

"Come. We'll get Karin set up as a citizen and hidden till Kusa leaves. I still have enough flex to push it through."

He ignored Naruto's jabbering about her Kagune and started stamping papers. His eyes drew to the picture of the Fourth on the wall by the door, the mile in the frame seemed wider somehow.

Hiruzen couldn't help but hold Minato's words in his heart.

' _You were right brat. The next Generation…They truly will change the world._ '

 **A/N: Whew! This one was a bit of a pain to write. I always know _how_ I want things to start and how I want thins to end I just have problems writing the in between. Thankfully this came out better than expected and gave me a solid grounding for how the next chapter will flow. Ironic since I wanted to end this one at the month gap between the end of the Second exam and the beginning of the Third but this gives me a bit of time to really expand on Sasuke and Sakura, cause I feel like they deserve a bit of love. Other than that thanks for reading and see you next time! Remember, had a good time? Tell me. I goofed? Explain where and how to fix. Have a cool Idea you want to see? Tell me and I'll try and work it in, maybe even as an Omake. Ya boi Gryphon signing off! =3**

 _Technique List_ :

 _Raiton Dan: Ibuki_ ][ Lightning Release Bullet: Dragon's Breath][ Lightning is gathered upon the fist of the user before being launched in a condensed bullet at a desired Target

 _Ochiru Kori Ryu_ ][ Falling Ice Dragon][ Taking advantage of falling snow, a dragon is formed where the force of gravity is abused to give the construct more force on impact.

 _Katon: Kasumi Enbu_ ][Fire Release: Mist Blaze Dance][ The user exhales a large cloud of accelerant that can be subsequently ignited in the form of a stream of flames or a bomb blast.

 _Fuuton: Kami Oroshi_ ][ Wind Release: Divine Mountain Wind][ Creates a vortex of winds that can be launched as a continuous stream towards an enemy

 _Katon: Karyuu Endan_ ][ Fire Release: Fire Dragon Bullet][ The flames exhaled form into a colossal or multi-headed Dragon streamers before being directed at an enemy

 _Shiro Hoshi: Kangei Yosuru_ ][ White Star: Welcoming Embrace][ Team Seven's first original Combination Technique, that forms a thick blanket of flames due to the air density and high accelerant concentration before overwhelming and 'embracing' an opponent in a conflagration unachievable in intensity by a single person

 _Doton: Tajuu Doryuheki_ ][Earth Release: Multiple Earth Walls][ If you don't know what this does seek help.

 _Suiton: Hahonryu_ ][ Water Release: Tearing Torrent][Similar to the Great WaterFall Technique, the user forms a chaotic whirling vortex of high pressure water meant to send the target tumbling uncontrollably before crushing them with sheer pressure

 _Ninpo: Abura Kawanonagare_ ][ Ninja Art: Oil River Flow][ The user spews high density, high velocity oil in a concentrated stream that blankets an area in the flammable substance. If continued it behaves as the name would imply as a fast flowing stream of oil

 _Katon: Karyuu no Goen_ ][ Fire Release: Fire Dragon's Great Blaze][ A downsized but far more intense version of the Great Fire Annihilation, the Great Blaze issues a terrifyingly wide wall of nigh solid flames to incinerate a target. Usually a technique used to kill a battalion's worth of adversaries, downsizing the technique _will_ result in a more intense flame

 _Fuuton: Daitoppa_ ][ Wind Release: Great Breakthrough][ A massive blast of wind on par with the force of a hurricane if preformed properly. Those with proficiency enough can exhale the technique as pure Oxygen making it ideal for combinations with fire or simply increase the Oxygen content of the surrounding air. Mix with paper bombs for fun but use with caution.

 _Kongon Fuusa_ ][ Adamantine Sealing Chains][ Uzumaki bloodline that abuses their high density Chakra to form physical constructs. These in particular are renowned for their ability to subjugate Bijuu


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Let's Go Wild!**

 **Alternatively Titled: If It Was Bound to Fail, Set A Record For How Badly**

Team Seven stared in idle awe of the thick, blue scorpion tail that danced menacingly above Karin's head. The segments blocky and geometric rather than smooth giving it a half-organic half-mechanical visage. The outermost walls containing a trio of concentric rings starting with black to iridescent emerald and centered with a complementary prismatic blue. To accompany her Bikaku a pair of Rhomboid shields slanted over her arms and shoulders. The skewed size left the upper half shorter and more squat while the latter half was longer and tapered drastically towards the tip. It made sense all the more when the lower halves snapped open like a pair of pincers that Karin alternatively formed 'teeth' within or left flat for pure crushing force.

"Mom and Dad had harbored another Ghoul but failed to realize the danger. They tried to eat Mom and when Dad found him mid attempt he tore the guys arms off. Mom was too late to stop him from taking a big chunk out of Pop's side along with the better part of his kidney but rage fixed that problem. Poor bastard was torn to shreds by Mum's claws. She of course ate him afterwards, wasted opportunities and all that. When I was born Mum freaked out when she found I was a natural Multi-Kagune Wielder. Unlike you though I had mine unlocked from birth. When mom died, dad took me to Kusa to hide. It was a long year of screaming matches and cold shoulders before he finally convinced me to eat Mum's Kagune," the Genin shared her wince, "but in the end it helped strengthen both my Kagune rather than make me a Kakuja like we had expected."

Her unique Rinkaku uncurled from where it was disguised as armor around her ribs. She idly twitched the claw tipped 'feet' for emphasis.

"Before Dad died we pretty much figured that if I ever became a Kakuja I'm guaranteed to be some sort of scorpion but I've never been terribly invested in such things. We were just extra lucky that 'travelers' in Kusa disappear so frequently otherwise keeping me fed would have been problematic. But like I said before, had to bury Pop's a few years back and I joined the Ninja force under Medic Designation since we get access to the morgue. Made life really simple till Kusa decided I was _needed_ on the battlefield which leads me to here and now."

She let the Kagune retract, "Any questions?"

Sakura and Sasuke let Naruto go since he was practically bouncing with excitement.

"Venomous?! Can you walk around on those Legs? Wanna Swap?!"

She pursed her lips, "Yes. Yes. And maybe when I get better settled in Konoha and you have time enough to adjust to whatever changes that would come with that."

Naruto pouted, before he was tapped on the shoulder by Sasuke. The Uchiha raised a single brow, "Swap?"

The cousins glanced at each other, Karin nodding lightly in the brunette's direction.

Naruto elaborated, "You know how most families are close enough to swap organs? Same principle. Since a direct trade of Kakuhou won't work we each get a bit of ours removed and them eat them. Most Uzumaki were too scared about the mental instability or limited by the lack of other Ghouls but between me and Karin we should be fine. The only difference is where she has three Kakuhou's I have two. Though where I lack numbers I make up in strength so we both benefit. There's about a thirty percent chance the exchange will accomplish nothing but the payout if it does work will be immense on both our parts. Worst case scenario each of us walks away with an increased RC rating. That of course has its own benefits as you know."

Sasuke scoffed. "Still think it's hax."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "And Ojii-sama's description of what your eyes can do is any less Hax? Ultimate Genjutsu? Flames that cannot be extinguished? _Ethereal Chakra construct that can level mountains?!_ Come on Sasuke give it a rest!"

"Hn."

Sakura smiled indulgently when Naruto launched into another tussle with Sasuke, then addressed Karin, "We'll go get some coffee together and leave them to rough house neh? I know where Naruto stashes his favorite blend and if you two share tastes you'll like it too. We have a couple hours before the next exam starts and they'll catch up when they're done being idiots."

Sasuke and Naruto were completely oblivious to the two females leaving together. If they had noticed they would have immediately gone along to prevent the friendship that formed between the two. People with the excessive knowledge about the human body and others with a tendency to devour it should not mix as well as Sakura and Karin. No one quite realised that Pandora's box had been opened that day, but alas such is hindsight.

"Welcome to the Second Stage of the Chuunin Exams!"

Genin and Jonin alike made sure to be presentable before the Hokage as he addressed them.

"You have each done your village proud by making it this far. Now before we begin the next round of the Exams does anyone wish to forfeit?"

Kabuto raised his hand shakily. The man looked ruined. Dirt was smeared everywhere and there was a pronounced limp in his step backed by a bloody tear in his pants leg.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "there was a mess in the forest and I got separated and tailed away from my team. Got a bit too beat up on the way back as you can see. I'll step out while I can."

Naruto was instantly at his side, scaring the living shit out of every single person since they hadn't even _seen_ him move, "Neh Neh! Kabuto-sempai, Sakura can take a look and see if she can help ya know! She's a pretty good medic and worst case she'll just break it in a way she can fix properly!"

The bespectacled boy blanched and moved away, "Ahahaha~ That's fine Uzumaki-san. I'll let Haruno-san preserve her Chakra, she is a participant in this tournament too you realize?"

Further protests were halted by Sakura's hand on his shoulder, the Chuunin prospects watched him till he made it out the door before returning attention to the Hokage.

"No one else? Good, there are still too many candidates here which is why we'll be having a preliminary to whittle the numbers down further-"

"WHAT?! WHY?!"

Kurenai almost snapped at Kiba for his outburst but stalled at Hiruzen's raised palm.

"For the public and the civilians the Chuunin exams is an exhibition of prospective skill within the villages. It is as much about proving yourself worthy of Chuunin rank as it is to prove your competence to potential clients. Your performance reflects upon the village and allows important guests to determine whether they will continue to partner with a village or if they will turn to another they have more confidence in."

Hiruzen leisurely exhaled a thick cloud of smoke before continuing in a harsher tone.

"For Shinobi it is an entirely different matter. This is a substitute for war."

Blood ran cold at this declaration, "Your performance is a reflection of the villages skill in battle and a warning that the village remains strong. A threat and a blade at the neck of the enemy in one. A warning that any affront _will_ be met with _blood, death, and suffering_ and declaring you will be the ones to deliver it. Young you may-"

"Can we skip all the talking and get to the blood and death already?"

Baki cringed where he stood as Gaara's raspy voice cut into the Hokage's speech. Hiruzen for his part maintained a placid expression.

"Do not confuse Impatience and Eagerness young one…it's the brash ones like you," - **MurDERslAuGhTerDECApiTaTIONtOrTuRE-** "that end up dead before they even realize they'd had their throat slit." Hiruzen reigned his killing intent back, the shaken foreign Jonin very much reminded that Sarutobi Hiruzen earned his title as Kami no Shinobi and still had more than enough strength left to back it up, "Beyond that this old man has rambled enough. Hayate? If you please?"

A raggedy cough preceded a sickly looking Tokubetsu Jonin stepping free of the Hokage's shadow. A Body Flicker and he stood before the Genin line up and addressed them.

He cleared his throat roughly, giving Sakura a thankful nod when she pitched a lozenge his way, "As Hokage-sama said, there are too many of you here to make it to the finals. Every important dignitary worth his salt will be there including many of the Daimyou. I hear even the new Mizukage might be making an appearance…"

Zabuza raised an…* **cough** *…err? Quirked? His brow at this. ' _New Mizukage? Did Terumi actually manage to?…Hmm. Thoughts for another time_ '

"As such this will be a tournament style elimination. Genin will fight one on one and the winner will proceed to the third round. With Kabuto's leaving one person will either get the choice to fight twice or receive a bye to the Third Stage. Anko said it already," the Jonin in question was vibrating in place as she eyed Naruto down, "luck is just as much of a skill or asset as any. Whether you choose to fight or not will hold no bearing on your consideration as a Chuunin. Now then, the screen behind me will be randomly selecting your opponents. Whoever is selected stay down here, everyone else head to the balconies."

The automated tumbling of the names was accompanied by baited breaths and anxious eyes. The roll slowed before ticking to a stop.

UZUMAKI NARUTO vs. ARATAMA EISHI

Naruto stood opposite one of the few Mizu Genin to make it through the forest. His teammate a blue haired boy with some massive scale shaped package wrapped in bandages on his back. Naruto recognized Hiramekarei by the distinctive twin handles. The other had twin tanto strapped to her lower back, the slick wine red of the sheathes complementing her sunset orange hair (' _Sweet hair color!_ '). This left Naruto to face to face Eishi, the boy already drawing his Ōgatana and sneering. The blonde could tell this guy had a shit attitude already.

"Ready to lose your head bloodline freak? Should've gone and died with the rest of your pathetic clan in the second war. Blood like you and yours should be in the ground or in cages where you can actually be _useful_. Especially those feisty bitches your clan called 'women'."

The boy proceeded to make a series of rude hand gestures involving the length of his sword and where it slid into his scabbard.

Where he stood behind this rest of his team, Kakashi grimaced. Sakura and Sasuke were lethally still and all around the Konoha Nin lowered their eyes. The Uzumaki Massacre was still a sore subject for them. A great failure and an even greater shame. Mito has died soon after and Tsunade had bawled for a week.

Naruto needed no reminders of such and had some choice words for this shit stain but he'd rather let actions do the talking.

"Hoo~ Boy ya need ta learn some respect for the dead and a bitta empathy ya know? Usually I'm pretty mellow but I might have to put my foot down for the crap ya spouting."

His opponent simply maintained his sneer in the face of Naruto's lax stance. Hayate stepped between them and raised a hand.

"Are both competitors ready?" He received a bored yawn from the blond while Eishi propped his blade across his chest.

"Hajime."

* **Crunch!** *

Naruto's fist plowed clean through the boy's blade and up into his ribs with a brutal Uppercut. The second lifted him off his feet, the third over Naruto's head, and the combo ended with a split-kick to the jaw that sent him to the ceiling. The blonde jumped after his opponent, another kick helping him keep clearance before seizing the Mizu Genin's ankles. A series of high speed somersaults followed as they fell before the Jinchuuriki buried the boy in the concrete floor. Far from finished Naruto spun on his heels and flung the little shit into the wall beneath the balcony hard enough to shake the foundations, vanishing in a blur of speed to rematerialize with both hands splayed and linked at the wrist, palms an inch from his chest.

" ** _Seiten: Mabushi Taiyo_** "

The traditional shockwave he used conducted outwards in a starburst from his palms to his fingertips. A crude impression of the Sun imprinted into the wall four feet deep, the arms stretching all the way into the ground and up into the balcony underside. Those nearest were shaken, the pure force behind the blow rocking the walls and balcony viciously. As quickly as it had come the vibrations faded. Naruto stepped back and allowed Hayate to call the match in his favor, but also so he could admire his art work. He made his way back to his team while the medics struggled to pull the Mizu Genin out of the impression he'd been buried in.

Naruto slid into the space Sasuke had left between him and Sakura. The boy's gruff timber barely audible beyond the sound of the Board's randomizer spinning up, "You were too soft on him. Should've broken more bones."

The blonde glanced at his teammate, "Shattering his sword was insult enough, anymore than that was just reinforcing a point. No need to go so far for someone worth so little."

Sakura chose then to interject, "Hn."

The boys looked at her in surprise, the attempt at a brooding expression gave way to a blush, "You two do it all the time…I wanted to try it too ya know? Believe it!"

Naruto's eyebrow rose in response, and Sakura grumbled a curse, "Fine I'll stick to my own catch phrase dammnit…"

Kakashi nudged her to point out the Board. Seems Team Seven was going at speed and getting an early swing at the Second Stage.

HARUNO SAKURA vs. AKADO YOROI

Sakura stood across from he fellow Leaf Genin and bowed, "Apologies in advance Sempai but I have no intention of losing. Be sure to say 'Hi' to Kabuto-Sempai when you see him."

Yoroi only narrowed his eyes, "I'll try to make it quick then. I hate beating up on brats."

"Hajime"

Though not as brutal the match was over just as fast as Naruto's. By the time Hayate had cleared the area, Sakura had wrapped her arms around Yoroi's thighs, lifted the man above her head, "SHANNARO~!" and buried him up to his ribs in a picture perfect suplex. There were wide eyed stares at the willowy girl who had managed the feat and fearful glances at Kakashi.

' _What in the hell has he been teaching them?!_ '

Sakura bowed and apologized once more to the unconscious man before returning to Naruto's side. The boy gave a cheesy grin and thumbs up while Sasuke grunted out a congratulations. Kakashi eye-smiled and patted her head.

The series of short matches did however mean that everything was moving along efficiently. By the time the medics had cleared Yoroi off the battle field (with only a mild concussion) Kankuro and the remainder of Team Kabuto were facing off.

"Sabaku Kankuro vs. Tsurugi Misumi…Hajime"

The trend continued. Misumi rushed in, got ambushed by the puppet that had taken Kankuro's place and refused to surrender resulting in him getting his bones pulverised beneath the puppets mechanical strength.

Next up was Higurashi Tenten who didn't even bother to fight her match, deciding that survival was the better part of valor she forfeit. She'd lost her main arsenal in the forest and was severely under armed for a fight. The board spun down to Ino versus a girl named Tsuchi Kin from Sound next. Naruto's gaze appeared bland but he was busily cataloguing everything he could about the girl, including the extended length of her weapons pouch. Some indiscernible words were whispered to Ino as she passed, startling her. The gentle kiss she placed on Naruto's cheek was mistaken for gratitude for his well wishes but received multiple cat-calls regardless. Sakura held her face while Sasuke fought for breath on the ground. Naruto simply shut down in shock and had yet to reboot.

By the time Ino had made it across from her opponent the girl was already sneering.

"Just because your boy toy offered you some honeyed words doesn't mean it'll change a thing! Unlike _you_ I actually train rather than sit around and do my hair."

Ino rolled her eye, "I look good because good looks are as much a weapon as a kunai," the aforementioned blade was danced all around her hand before vanishing and reappearing in the off-hand, "it's all about misdirection ya know? I'll look left and you'll follow even though the danger is coming-"

"From the right. I know. I get it."

Ino huffed at the rude interruption but let Hayate call the match start. The previous kunai in Ino's hand was halfway to Kin in between one blink and the next.

"So you're not half bad-"

"Look up idiot."

"As if I'll fall for-SHIT!", a kunai from above buried itself in Kin's shoulder. She hissed as she back stepped, more Kunai falling from the sky while even more flew at her from the front. Many were interspersed and sandwiched, patterned to keep her cage and already on the back foot she retreated till her back hit the stadium wall. Her eyes widened in belayed shock.

' _Fuck!_ '

Six more Kunai framed her body before steel wire strung her up against the wall within the hexagon of blades.

Ino glared, "Yield. I won't ask again."

The Sound Kunoichi struggled fruitlessly against her binds, "Fuck off!"

Ino shrugged and sped through hand seals, " ** _Raiton: Denpa!_** "

The blond let the charge flow until Kin's eyes rolled up. She let the wires slack long with the technique and watched placidly was Kin's unconscious body slumped to the floor. The head of her weapon's pouch slapped open a bit revealing a plethora of Senbon and a variety of off colored liquids in small shatter proof jars.

' _Those pouches…are too shallow and narrow to be for Kunai. Watch for Senbon and poison. Good luck Ino_ '

Ino flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked back up the stairs to the balcony. She swapped high-fives with Sakura, contained a squeal at Sasuke's acknowledging grunt, and gave Naruto's ass a rough slap. Her fellow blonde jumped a foot in the air and clamped both hands over his rear, face alight in a fierce blush.

Ino winked, "Thanks for the tip Naru-kun~! I'll be sure to have", she licked her lips as she raked her gaze over his form, "an extra special _reward_ for you after."

While Kakashi cried manly tears of joy and Sasuke struggled to maintain his composure around the guffaws that had bubbled up in his chest, Naruto only bemoaned that his life was too complicated for this shit.

' _It's not that I wouldn't make the effort to understand women! They're just to troublesome to make any sense of!_ '

He and Shikamaru shared commiserating glances.

"Would Hyuuga Hinata and Kinuta Dosu please enter the ring."

The Sound Ninja hopped the railing while Hinata took the stairs.

"OI! HINATA! DO YOUR BEST!"

The girl meekly ducked her head, Naruto's warm encouragements lightining a fire deep in her soul. It still did nothing for the seething irritation at Ino for laying her hands on _Her_ Naru-kun.

"OY! Nee-chan! Now's not the time!"

Hinata ground her teeth, watching as the Purple Haired Tokubetsu Jonin smothered Naruto beneath her affection and _assets_ while the blonde simply accepted his fate.

"Apologies Kinuta-san, I'm afraid I'll have to cut this short. I'm in a terribly bad mood it seems." The mummy raised an eye-brow. This meek little girl? He withheld a scoff, nodding to the ref to start the match. Across from him Hinata activated her Byakugan and took her stance.

"Hajime."

Twelve separate Genjustu locked onto Dosu's Chakra network, spaced far enough apart as they reached his sensory core that a single pulse would do little to break any of them while four separate illusions muted pain to prevent self harm from shocking the system into reset.

" ** _Hakke: RokujuuYon Sho!_** "

Then Hinata was inside the immobilized boy's guard.

" **Nii-Sho!** "

The boy's body staggered as twin blows disabled his arms, and subsequently the Chakra flow to that suspicious device on his wrist.

" **Yon-Sho! Hachi-Sho! Juu Roku-Sho!** "

The subsequent twenty eight blows disabled Chakra flow to his extremities as well as precise muscle groups leaving his torso physically locked in position along with his arms.

" ** _Sanjuu Nii-Sho!_** "

The next thirty two blows had his legs seize in position as the few remaining active chakra points in his torso were sealed.

" ** _Rokujuu Yon-Sho!_** "

Sixty four blows battered every visible Chakra point and nerve cluster the Heiress could find finishing the mass combo with a twin palm strike to the chest that blasted Dosu back. His feet left visible skid marks as he slid before slowly toppling over in his state of complete paralysis.

"Winner, Hyuuga Hinata!"

Kurenai suppressed her cheers and settled for a smirk while her boys muttered a simple prayer for the sound Nin. Meek Hinata may be, but Weak was not part of her vernacular.

"Woohoo~! Go Hinata! That was amazing!"

"A-Ah! T-Thanks! Naruto-kun! You were…Um! You were really strong too!"

When she got up to the balcony she was promptly swiped up into a hug and lifted into he air by the blond.

Kakashi sweat-dropped when he saw Hinata's face turn bright red, "Ah? Naruto I think you should-"

"THAT WAS AMAZING! That many Genjustu in so little time? The full Sixty Four Palms! You've come so far from that shy girl that was being bullied by those losers from the Academy upper years!"

Warm smile and close proximity, Naruto mushed his cheek against hers, "I'm so proud to call you my friend!"

Hinata lasted just long enough to return the hug, and then fainted.

"EH?! Hinata-chan?! Wake up-ttebayo! Oi Kurenai! Hinata's out like a light whaddo I do?! Why are you laughing?! This isn't funny dattebayo! GODDAMN YA MADE MAH VERBAL TIC COME BACK! AH BEEN WORKIN' HARD TO GET IT TA GO AWAY YA KNOW!"

Naruto eventually gave up on the giggling Jonin and made a clone to sit down with her. The clone placed it's back to the wall and stretched its legs out resting Hinata's head in its lap and using its jacket as a pillow. The original watched the slumbering girl with fond exasperation. ' _And here I though she'd gotten over that. Oh well, whadda ya gonna do?_ '

Anko was busy chewing her fingers. Did she ask for a clone lap pillow too? Or did she just go back to snuggling the Original? Did she make a clone and have it receive a clone lap pillow while she snuggled the original? Decisions, decisions!

SABAKU TEMARI vs. KUMO NO KARUI

The red haired girl cursed from beside her team. Samui patted her on the back, "Forgo any Jutsu unless you're sure they'll connect. No doubt she's hiding a fan so watch for any wide range techniques.

That much was obvious but Karui wasn't stupid enough to blow off advice given freely. She supressed a smirk at Naruto's encouraging waving and ignored the unimpressed eyebrow her team lead raised in response. The boy sure was energetic to say the least. She just hoped they'd have more time after the exam to catch up.

"Are both contestants ready? Then, Hajime."

Temari slammed the metal case from her back into the ground beside her, smirking like the match was already over, "By the time you see three moons this will be ov- HOLY SHIT!"

The blonde ducked in time to not get her head clubbed in with the back of the Kumo Kunoichi's blade. At least she had the curtesy to use the spine. Didn't mean the blow would hurt any less. The blonde snapped her fan open to two moons and sent a sweeping gale of wind to gain space. All she sent flying was a piece of rubble from where Sakura a broken up the floor.

"Shit!"

" ** _Kumo Ryuu: Omotegiri!_** "

One more Temari's duck saved her a nasty concussion. This time however she wasn't allotted enough slack to even think of opening her fan. The girl was not a master swordsman but definitely was well above amateur. Blows rained from every conceivable direction, her fan's heavy weight and steel casing the only thing keeping her from being bludgeoned into submission. Vaulting over the red head gave her enough time to snap the fan open and glide away but Karui was relentless. Temari snapped her fan shut and returned it to her back, two tessen flying into her hands just in time to catch Karui's next slash and return with a sharp gust of wind.

The Kumo Nin slid away from it but still watched as her shirt split, revealing a scratch across the armor beneath. Temari realized her mistake when golden eyes narrowed and the sword was flipped to present the edge. Karui vanished, the blast of wind from Temari's hand fan's avoided and rematerialized behind the girl. Temari made to jump forward but was followed by Karui back first.

' _She can't swing from-!_ ' her thoughts were cut off by a burning blow to the ribs.

" ** _Kumo Ryuu: Uragiri!_** "

Temari crashed hard, struggling to breath before being force into unconsciousness when Karui clocked her over the head with the hilt of her sword.

"Shosha, Karui of Kumo. If you would please return to the stands we'll begin the spin up for the next round."

Karui sheathed her sword, turning on her heel to the balcony and blushing beneath Naruto's over enthusiastic cheering. She nodded to Omoi and Yugito, once more receiving a raised eyebrow from Samui.

"He seems familiar with you."

Karui shrugged in response, taking her spot at the railing to watch the next match, "We'll explain later. Has to do with why we had to meet with the Hokage personally before you got to the tower."

Samui's other eyebrow raised to join its brethren, "Secrets aren't cool."

The red head snickered quietly, "Shinobi. Comes with the territory."

The subject was dropped when the bell for the next match chimed.

UCHIHA SASUKE vs. ABUMI ZAKU

"Yeah. No. I forfeit. I saw what he did to the forest and while those Ame twits got lucky enough to not get roasted to ash I ain't pushing my luck."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow but let it lie. He hadn't been particularly impressed by anyone this far and if that was the average level then no wonder the kid bailed. Not out of arrogance but he was strong. Trying to keep up with Naruto's insanity had its benefits.

"Will Nara Shikamaru and Akimichi Chouji please-"

 **Munch!** "I forfeit. Shika's probably already figured out Seventy Eight different ways to win by now. I'll save us all the trouble."

"…You couldn't have let me forfeit first? Now I have to fight in the Third Stage. Do you know how Troublesome Mum will be?"

Chouji smirked at the boy, "Should've been faster then. Too lazy to even forfeit right away eh Shika?"

The Nara groaned and rested his head on the railings. ' _What a pain!_ '

Hayate was genuinely pleased with how this was turning out, letting the board wind up again. This was saving immeasurable amounts of time.

HYUUGA NEJI vs. MIKAZUKI KAEDE

The two met with Hayate between them and took their stance. Kaede with her hands on her blades and Neji with his Byakgan activated.

"Hajime."

The match was over in seconds. Kaede tried to end it in one quick draw but Neji simply batted her hands away and knocked her out in sixteen precise blows that ended with a palm to the gut.

"Shosha Hyuuga Neji."

The boy in question sniffed disdainfully at the unconscious girl, ignoring the raucous cheering of Lee all the while.

Yugito and Tenten were next. The theme of the fights falling along the same track record as those that preceded it. By the time Tenten had pulled her first Kunai, Yugito had chopped her in the back of the neck setting the speed record for matches won by knock out. Tenten would wake up twenty minutes later and turn the entirety of her hospital room into a pincushion.

ROCK LEE vs. KUMO NO OMOI

Lee was down to the floor so fast one could have sworn he'd used **Shunshin**. It did however give away one thing.

' _Fast! Way too fast! How do I fight that? What if I slash and miss because he's too fast and kill him? What if I kill myself? Will it be war? Will Kumo declare it or will the Leaf? Are we going up starting a millennia long blood feud that our children will have to carry on in our place? Did either of us have kids to carry on a blood feud in our stead? Will the author make up something convenient to cover story gaps if he follows through with such a plot line?_ '

"Mutter mutter mutter mutter. Mutter mutter mutter? Mutter mutter! Mutter mutter mutter grumble mutter mutter. Mutter mutter grumble mutter grumble mutter mutter?"

Karui's eye twitched ferociously as she listened to Omoi's inane rambling.

"LESS THINKING!", she hiked the boy up above her head.

"W-W-WAIT! KARUI!"

She hurled him headlong into the arena, "MORE FIGHTING IDIOT!"

Omoi tumbled to a dusty stop in front of his exuberant opponent with the echo of Samui's ' _Uncool_ ' heralding his arrival. He hauled himself to his feet and pulled a sucker out of his pouch. Crouching low and placing the lollipop in his mouth, he placed a spare hand on his sword hilt. Nodding his readiness to Hayate he panned his gaze to his opponent as Lee slid into his stance, one hand folded behind his back, the other out in front of him palm up, legs shoulder width apart and profile presented to minimize targetable weaknesses.

' _I can already tell. This kid's good_."

' _Just you wait! Neji! Sasuke! I will show you what a genius of hardwork can really do!_ '

"Hajime."

" **Konoha Senpuu**!"

Omoi ducked the head height roundhouse and twisted over the sweep it became when the green clad Genin landed. His sword flew from his sheath only to be redirected into the ground where Lee stomped on it to keep it immobilized. Two back flips cleared him from Omoi's range when the boy electrified the sword and slid into an upwards sweep.

" ** _Kumo Ryuu: Mikazukigiri!_** "

Lee slid beneath the slice into the first stage of **Kage Buyo** only to have his leg slam into a familiar sucker.

' _What?!_ '

" ** _Kumo Ryuu: Damashigiri!_** "

Lee barely managed to interpose his off leg between his chest and his blade where it bounced off with a resounding ' ** _Clang!_** '.

"Clang?"

Lee smirked as he rolled down his leg warmers to reveal weights embossed with the Kanji for 'Guts' and 'Youth' he took a massive leap up to the statue that made up the Ram symbol.

"Apologies Gai-sensei! It appears that I cannot hold back against this opponent! I must commend you Omoi-san. You are very skilled, and for that I must step up."

By now he stood tall with both weight sets in hand, "Prepare yourself, I will not disrespect you by giving anything less than my best!"

The weights hit the ground and _rocked_ the building.

Kakashi sighed internally as the rest of the occupants hung onto the railing for dear life, ' _Gai_ ', said man was smiling blindingly and screaming about Youth, ' _you're just too much sometimes._ '

"Now then! Here I come!"

It wouldn't have mattered if he'd not announced his intent to attack. In the next twelve seconds Omoi was disarmed, battered, and slammed into the ground six different times.

"Shosha, Rock Lee."

"I thank you Omoi-san for a most invigorating match! I wish you luck on your next attempt at the Chuunin Exams!"

* ** _Squeak!_** *

Kiba and Chojuro were the next lined up. Beneath all of his brashness Kiba catalogued two things. The first, this kid might look meek but he came from the same place that Haku and Zabuza came from and the one time he'd tried to spar with the prior he'd ended up receiving a cold that would not go away. The second, weirdly shaped swords like the one on his back tended to have an equally weird power that gave them an advantage.

He was proven correct when his and Akamaru's **Gaatsuga** was smashed aside by a massive hammer made of Chakra that had extended from the bandaged blade.

"I-I-Um! Sorry! I'm n-n-not terribly strong and I can't fight for long s-s-so please forgive my rudeness!"

Kiba promptly blacked out. ' _At least I didn't lose to something stupid like a fart to the face._ ' Yet somehow, someway, Kiba felt that perhaps that had already happened.

"Well then. We'll scramble the matchups then. Though, Hinata and Neji. You two will be facing each other no questions asked. The similarities in your styles will make for mirror matches and that won't be very entertaining to our viewers. Only thing random for you two will be order placement. Gaara managed a Bye due to uneven numbers. All of you will draw lots to determine your actual placement."

Hayate waited till all the slips were drawn, then had each person go up in order from lowest to highest number. The results were displayed on the screen above them.

1.) Haruno Sakura vs. Yamanaka Ino

2.) Rock Lee vs. Sabaku Gaara

3.) Hyuuga Hinata vs. Hyuuga Neji

4.) Nara Shikamaru vs. Kumo no Karui

5.) Uzumaki Naruto vs. Sabaku Kankuro

6.) Uchiha Sasuke vs. Mizu no Chojuro

7.) Nii Yugito vs Winner of Round One

"From now till the Third Stage there will be a One Month break. Take this time to research your opponents. Build your arsenals, prepared yourselves, and be ready to raise your names to the heavens. The clients will remember you, your battles, your faces. This is a chance to make or break your careers and possibly your villages' infrastructure. Don't waste a second. Now beat it. Your respective Jonin will guide you out of the forest."

"DIBS NARU-KUN!"

"ANKO WAI-"

The blonde and purplette were gone in a swirl of leaves. Hinata would have been seething but only stared sadly at her cousin's profile. She could feel the rage wafting off him from where she stood. She only hoped that her mother's journal helped. Neji would be trying to kill her and if she faltered he would succeed. That dark little part of her wondered if perhaps she should let him.

' _I'm so proud to call you my friend!_ ' Then again, what the hell did it know?

"You want me to find a who at the where and then get trained by the idiot? I'd have a better chance sitting under a tree until I struck enlightenment and became the next Rikuudo Sennin!"

Kakashi sighed, "Tsunade told you about him?"

Naruto's sneer redefined the word. From what Sasuke told Kakashi the boy was well on his way to surpassing Itachi in that field. Mostly since Itachi managed to sneer without actually moving a muscle.

"Of course she did! She's my Godmother dammnit! I get that he has work to do outside the village but fuck if the man made no effort ta come see me-ttebayo! Shit I might understand but that ain't gonna stop me from yankin' his legs out from under him, setting him up spread eagle, and stompin' his nards up into his _throat!_ "

Kakashi winced. If there was one thing Naruto did not do, it was make empty threats and hollow promises. Welp, rest in peace Jiraiya.

"I know I shouldn't make excuses on his behalf but you do realize this was likely as hard for him as it was to me right? Minato died and I threw myself into ANBU just to get away from it all. I set the record for most solo S-Ranks completed Flawlessly in under two years of my induction and made Youngest Captain in Konoha History. I didn't _feel_ a single thing the entire run. Not a single emotion. Not anger. Not sadness. Not loneliness. Not isolation. Not happiness. Not joy. Not peace. Not serenity. Not damnation. I. Felt. Nothing."

Naruto by now had tangled his finger up with Kakashi's, "And the worst part was I only _felt_ when I saw you on guard missions. Most of it was pain too. You look _exactly_ like your Dad and act _exactly_ like your Mom. If it wasn't for having been the one to cremate them I would swear on my Sharingan they'd escaped death by fusing into this little blonde runt of a powerplant."

Naruto grumbled good naturedly as Kakashi tousled his already unruly hair with an eye-smile.

"Always running around playing pranks, each one so thought out and deliberated I could see the hundreds of gears that turned to put the whole operation into place. Those odd times where you sat and thought with the same expression Minato-sensei had just before he decided to re-write what impossible meant. Then your Mom would come to the forefront when we startled you, verbal tic at full volume, and that same embarrassed head scratch of hers."

Naruto looked up Kakashi, "You loved them?"

Kakashi met his eyes, "Like they were my own parents. When dad died Minato was the one to take his body down and gave him his burial rights. Kushina sang at his eulogy and sent him off traditional Uzu style. After that Minato packed my crap and hauled me out of my old clan house quite literally kicking and screaming, to his and Kushina's place where they could take care of me. Most days I sat and was held by Minato while I cried, the flaky little girly boy he was," Naruto snickered, "and then of course Kushina would kick the door down and more often than not pound the depression out of me before stuffing me full of Uzu Comfort Food. Remind me to give you her Gumbo recipe. She was a monster on the battlefield and a goddess in the kitchen."

They walked in an easy silence towards where Sasuke and Sakura were waiting for them.

Kakashi rested a hand on Naruto's, bringing him to a stop. "Don't be too hard on him Naruto. Minato was as much his son as any one person could be. His death…Just after you were born and the situation with keeping your identity under wraps…he dove at it with a frenzy we'd never seen before. He couldn't bear the sadness that came with being so close to you, so he did his best to protect you. Even when he wasn't there."

Kakashi pulled Gama-chan away from Naruto and opened it up to show an almost invisible seal matrix.

"If you were to ever release too much of the Kyuubi's Chakra before you were ready, this would automatically reverse summon him to you. No matter where. No matter when. He was always worried about it since the everything started with the Bijuu. Minato died sealing it afterall. Everything else he did was to make sure no other village got any smart ideas. The last assassin they sent," Kakashi shivered, "there wasn't anything left in big enough pieces to be identified as human remains."

Kakashi smiled beneath his mask as Naruto's countenance loosened up. Just a fraction but it would be enough.

"I'm not telling you to forgive him, I'm just asking for a little bit of lenience on his behalf. He loves you just as much as I do if not more so."

The boy ducked his head in embarrassment, gripping Kakashi's hand just a little tighter.

Kakashi gave him one last eye-smile, "Now let's go learn how to jam lightning infused limbs through people's chest cavities neh?"

All that remained of the duo was an echo of Naruto's exited cheers and a swirl leaves and smoke.

Naruto stood across from Jiraiya with the most unimpressed look possible. The man was peaking in the hot springs and giggling like the moron he was, the poor toad he was sitting looking like it wished it'd never been born. Naruto gave the poor creature a commiserating pat on the head as he strolled up. Taking a slight crouch and erasing all ill-will from his countenance he clenched both hands together into the Ram Seal.

"Hehehehehe~! Those are nice on that frame~! B.W.H has gotta be 34-28-36! What wonderful forms! AH! Konoha has the best Hot Sprin-"

" ** _KONOHAGAKURE HIDEN TAIJUTSU OUGI: SENNEN GOROSHI!_** "

"KYAAAAAAAAA~~~~!"

Naruto watched with mild interest as the old pervert flew clean off the head of his toad and over the divider. The toad whistled in appreciation for the arc Jiraiya described before landing inside the women's Hot Spring. Naruto paid idle attention to the outraged roars of the Kunoichi (" ** _Sen'ei Tajashuu_**!" "NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!") accompanied by Jiraiya's squeals of pain. The boy idly flipped through the man's dropped notebook, humming appreciatively. He was a perv and an idiot (" ** _MAGEN: HENTAI JIGOKU_** ") but at least he wrote somewhat decently. Grabbing a spare pencil he started to make corrections, additions, and foot notes for expansive ideas on the current works. The man wrote good smut alright but damn if struggled to put romance and story in there. (" **JIRAIYA! DIE!** " "TSU-HIME! WAIT! I'M SOR-" **POW!** ) Naruto whistled in appreciation as Jiraiya's limp and battered form peaked at thrice the height of his original poke and landed in a twisted heap on ground a few feet away from the blond. The piteous groan the only thing confirming that the mangled lump of flesh was still alive.

Naruto walked over and gave him a proper shot to the nuts that made the man's face pucker and his eyes cross. They rolled up seconds later as the man blacked out foaming at the mouth.

"Welp, that's my anger issues taken care of. Try," Naruto pointed to the soon to be further mangled form of his Godfather as the Kunoichi rounded the corner armed to the teeth, "not to murder him completely. I need him for the exams."

Yuugao smiled darkly, Katana rasping as she slid it from its sheath, "How dead can we leave him?"

The boy hummed while a now conscious Jiraiya struggled to rise to his feet and run, "No dismemberment, or mutilation. Broken bones are fine and yes I know you can reattach whatever gets lopped off but he doesn't deserve that much and no 'It was an accident' will not be an acceptable excuse." The kunoichi pouted but relented when Naruto slapped an Immobilization Seal Tag onto the peeper before he could crawl too far. The blond took a seat on the toad's head and gave it a pat.

"Have at ye."

Naruto continued to browse through the man's notebook while the Kunoichi unleashed hell on him, Tsunade healing him up every now and again just for him to get beat down some more.

' _Those are some pretty impressive arrays and matrices. They need work before they function without fault but he's got some good basis for these. Some even incorporate stuff I've never seen before. Working with this idiot might be worth my time._ "

It took half an hour but eventually the girls got bored and left to find a private spring to wash off in after working up a sweat. Yugao had gave him a tight hug for defending their modesty while Anko had stuck her tongue down his throat. Kurenai gave the woman a scandalized look before patting Naruto on the head while he fought to control his blush. Tsunade told him good luck and left early since she had previous engagements with Sakura.

The blonde closed the notebook and pulled the tag from the old man's back. Finally allowed to move under his own power, Jiraiya curled up into a ball and muffled his screams till he could get to his feet. He glared at Naruto.

"You're the devil."

"And you're an idiot Ero Sennin."

"FOOL! I am no mere Pervert! I'm a Super Pervert!"

Naruto clocked him in the head with his own notebook, throwing the man right back on his ass. He rubbed the bump where the book spine had bounced off his forehead and grumbled curses at the blonde as he retrieved it.

"Doesn't matter if you're a squirrel juggling, unicycle ridin' amputee. Ya trainin' me for the Exams since Kaka-sensei took off with Sasuke."

"Yeah sure. And I'm doing that why?" The man paged through the notebook, cataloguing every change the boy had made and keeping sure to maintain an idle expression. Minato's brat or no, kid needed to have some back bone if Jiraiya was going to burn time on him.

The blonde in question shrugged at him, "You're the only one with enough knowledge about seals for me to learn anything, I need you to loosen the cage on the Kyuubi so we can sync properly," –"WHAT?!"- "and finally you're my godfather and I have a bone ta pick with you."

The Toad Sage was too busy staring to form a response.

"Oy. Old Man, that a yes or has ya age caught up ta ya all at once and ya experiencing every stage of Alzheimer's all at once?"

That shook the White Haired man out of his trance, "Back up first," any evidence of Goofy-Pervert-Guy was buried beneath Death-Dealing-Shinobi-Legend, "what do you mean loosen the cage?"

Naruto sighed, "Come on. We gotta talk in private. Too many unwanted ears around here anyway. Leggo Ero-Sennin. Ya might be up ta date on everything going on in every other Nation but ya sorely behind on what's been happening within our own walls."

The boy turned and walked, not even bothering to check if the Perv was following.

"…So…Lose your virginity yet?"

Naruto twitched and wondered if perhaps he should have trained with Anko and Yugao when they'd offered.

Jiraiya hauled Naruto into the Hokage's office where he was meeting with the Kumo Team and Karin, explaining the current state of affairs, and recounting to Samui what had happened in the forest. Karin, Karui, and Omoi were just breaking their 'Uzumaki Reunion Hug' when the Toad Sage kicked the door in.

Hiruzen's expression didn't change, "Jiraiya. I'm pleased you've deigned to enter through the door but please knock next time."

Jiraiya was in no mood for games, "His heart stopped Sensei."

"…"

"He was for all intents and purposes dead and I'm only hearing about this now because…"

Naruto, tucked beneath the older man's arm like a sack of potatoes, only shrugged, "I got better you know?"

Jiraiya's gimlet eye shut him up in record time. Hiruzen only continued to puff placidly on his pipe. This…was problematic…Jiraiya was restraining himself well but it would take very little to cause an explosion that would likely level the tower and possibly crack a face off the Mountain if he wasn't careful. Given the not so subtle twitching in Jiraiya's off hand and Naruto's frantic handsigns despite the unchanged expression he knew as well and hadn't accounted for the man's reaction. Hiruzen didn't know what was worse int this scenario: That Jiraiya knew all about what had happened to Naruto when he had begged to stay and watch out for him but left believing that the boy would be in good hands, that Naruto now knew how much Jiraiya had wanted to stay but had left on his own orders, or that Tsunade was moving in their direction due to Jiraiya's muted but potent killing intent.

* ** _Sigh~_** * "Let's get this over with. You're fourteen years behind on info Jiraiya", Tsunade walked in, barely raising an inquisitive brow at the Toad Sage's rigid form while Naruto frantically signed ' _Toad Man Angry! Help!_ ', "And we only have so long to catch you up before a mummified annoyance decides to show his unwanted face. Team Samui, I thank you for coming and listening, I advise you keep Karin's identity under wraps and tell _no one_ of what has happened here. I thank you for your time. Do feel free to alert Ei-dono to Orochimaru's movements won't you? Excellent. Now please excuse us."

They had barely cleared the door when Seven Barrier Formulas locked the office off from outside contact. Samui gave her team a glance, "Please don't become that weird when you get strong. We suffer enough from Bee-sensei."

The others only nodded in concurrence. Their footsteps hastened when that particular section of the tower rumbled ominously.

 _Private Training Area, Three Kilometers behind the Hokage Monument_

"So what's on the docket today Old Man? I told ya where I stand and after that initial week with Kakashi I have two more that I want to make the best of."

Jiraiya was busy unloading scrolls when the question came, responding only when he'd set the largest down.

"We're going to get you up to speed on what really separates the well practiced from the masters. You've already taken a few steps towards that with your ability to construct and mold Advanced Nature Transformations, if you'll allow me to borrow your words. See, Mastery isn't just about knowing standard and advanced techniques back to front. It's not even about being the best in that field! Mastery of a Shinobi practice, is based on your ingenuity. Not what has been done and how well you can do it but what you can make _possible_ and the efficiency in combat that is a direct derivative of your efforts. When you can show the world something it's never seen before, that's when you've become a Master."

Naruto quirked a brow, "So what? Invent a new Nature Transformation?"

Jiraiya laughed long and hard at that, wheezing as the blonde attempted an intimidating glare. It would have been more effective if it weren't for the embarrassed blush that stretched across his cheeks and nose.

"Ah! To be young! No brat ya don't need to invent a whole new Nature Transformation, though depending on what you name that vibration technique of yours you might have already hit that base. Continuing down that line though you have basis for it. You are successfully learning techniques that have long since been regarded as Kekkei Genkai and thought exclusive to one in half a million people. That in itself could be called a feat of genius but just between you and me being a genius is overrated."

Sapphire eyes sparkled with curiosity, the Toad Sage expanding on the subject as he rolled open his scroll, "My 'Teammate'," something bitter flashed through the man's eyes, "was considered a genius and granted he was. He did things no one had ever seen or heard of before. He even redefined what was possible a couple times. That same sword of his was thought to belong to the true god Susano'o, the blade he use to cut down the Yamato no Orochi. It will forever be a tragedy he chose the path he did and that Sarutobi-sensei didn't crush his head, tear out his heart, then incinerate the body when he had the chance."

An air of thick melancholy and remorse halted conversation, a second to mourn what could have been and those that suffered for the mistakes of other, Jiraiya picked back up as if nothing had happened.

"So we're here to help you bridge that gap. Genius or no you have aptitude and the never say die attitude needed to push you beyond what many would consider the end of the line. So we'll start with the most important thing on the list. The Old Man gave me the go ahead to loosen the seal a little but not undo it completely. We trust you, we don't trust the fox-" "Kurama" "-enough to undo it completely or give you the ability to do so on your own."

The Sage blitzed through hand signs, " ** _Kuchiyose!_** "

' **POOF!** '

And there was a little Orange/Black toad sitting Indian with a set of silver rolls making up it's abdomen.

It nodded politely to the blonde and addressed his summoner, "Jiraiya. I take it this is his son?"

Naruto gave a jaunty little half wave while Jiraiya explained the situation.

"…I must be going deaf you want me to what now?"

"I want you to open the seal on Naruto a little bit Gerotora. It's already cracked a bit but we need to use the Key to properly open the Hakke Fuin so Naruto can access more of the Kyuubi's-" "Kurama's" '-chakra. And will you stop that brat!"

Naruto shrugged. "I will when you stop acting like he's a thing rather than someone with just as many emotions, thoughts, hopes, and dreams as you and me. Only difference is he can't bust out of a friggin Mangyeko Genjutsu when some edgy butt slut with a Madara kink and too many daddy issues to list rips him out of his host and uses him like a puppet on a string when all he wants is to sleep."

Gerotora and Jiraiya stared. The sheer indignation he had on behalf of the beast…Minato was right, this kid really would turn the world up side down.

"Alright kid, looks like that head on those shoulders isn't just for show. I'll crack it to about…Hmmm~ Let's say 25% open?"

Naruto shook his head, "Too small. I want to be able to access up a Version 3 cloak which is Six Tails. Any further than that is over kill and my body won't survive the strain."

The Toad raised a brow while Jiraiya held his hands up in an 'X', "That's too ambitious, even for you brat. Start at four…tails…first. Are you fucking kidding me?"

Naruto sat there, shrouded by an Orange cloak with two large ears sticking far out above his head and five menacing tails swaying idly behind him with an unchanged expression. His features were far more feral than before, whisker marks thicker, eyes and lips outlined in black, a hint on fangs poking out from his upper lips and distinctly claw like nails at the end of his fingers.

" **Me and Kurama have been working on at least this much. I can go up to Seven Tails, Version One Cloak but that's when the strain of pulling a significant enough amount of Chakra from the Seal begins to make it difficult to maintain coherency. The Seal wants the Chakra 'in' while Kurama and me want the Chakra 'out'. The end result is a bloodlust fueled veil falling over my eyes. We're completely sure that if we could loosen the seal restrictions I'll be able to hit Four Tails Version 2 Cloak and maintain it for a while without any draw backs. Version 3 Six Tails will be achievable but I won't be able to hold it until my body is more used to Kurama's caustic Chakra**." he paused to scratch his chin in contemplation, " **That's a lie actually. I'll be able to maintain Six Tails for a while but Kurama says, 'There's a 100% chance of your skin burning off before your muscles and about a 35% chance of the Cloak cooking you from the inside, starting with your lungs as the cloak uncontrollably superheats the air you're breathing while it's still within your body. Whether you suffocate or end up steamed like Broccoli from the inside out depends on how painful you want your subsequent hospital stay to be'**."

With that said Gerotora stretched his torso opened to reveal the key. Even with snap understanding of sealing and her applications Naruto was still dubstruck by what he saw on the Scroll Toads stomach. ' _Dad wasn't just a friggin genius or prodigy! The man was something else! Where the hell did half these runes even come from?!_ "

Naruto snapped out of his awestruck thoughts as Gerotora allowed only a small segment of the Seal to be transferred to Jiraiya.

' _Must have about three hundred different fail-safes in this seal and that whole Key matrix must be for the whole thing. Heh~ What a cheeky bastard that pops of mine is._ "

Naruto ignored Kurama's grumbling about blonde haired nancy boys and their fancy kunai, lifting his shirt to let Jiraiya align his fingers with the seal. They watched as the Seal lit blue and rippled, the Kanji and matrix wriggling and shifting like hundreds of snakes crawling over one another before Jiraiya twisted counter clock wise until he was stopped by a physical jerk. The Seal on the blonde's stomach settled back to static while the Key fragment on the back of Jiraiya's hand dissolved like so much salt in water. They both stared in fascination as the fragment reappeared on Gerotora's Torso, before the Scroll Toad wrapped it up. Returning his elongated stomach to normal (a relative concept when one is referencing sentient amphibians) then turning to address the both of them.

"I suppose that's all then?"

Naruto and Jiraiya traded a glance, before the boy closed his eyes.

' _You ready Kurama?_ '

Within the seal, the area behind the Nine-Tails had expanded to a massive scale. The ceiling raised and dotted with floor to ceiling 'windows' that connected Kurama to Naruto's senses. A small pool formed beneath the Seal's 'lock' in a gourd shape where red and blue Chakra swirled and mixed. The previously flooded Seal was now bone dry with a maze of pipes branching off from the cage walls off into the blackness of his mindscape. Stopping to crack his spine and neck he sat back on his haunches and slammed his palms together in a prayer, Naruto mimicking the action in the real world.

Jiraiya was glad they'd gone so far from the village, and even more glad he'd set up a couple layers of barriers and privacy seals. Gerotora was forced to hold onto Jiraiya's leg to keep form being blown away when the blonde's chakra surged.

"LET'S DO IT! KURAMA/ **LET'S GO! NARUTO!** "

There was a dull boom, the ground rumbled and cracked ominously, a dust cloud settling over where the boy had once stood…then something erupted from insides. A dome of murky Red/Black/Blue/Purple swirled where Naruto once stood. A tendril of shadow radiating ' **TERROR** ' reached to the sky. The heavenward spire condensed in on itself, slamming into the bulb that was it's origin and collapsing in.

The Observers eyes were wide with awe as the Black, striated Red form of the boy was revealed. The only thing reminiscent of the blonde was the shape of his hair and even that was masked beneath the solid cloak of malice that was the Four Tails Cloak. The version two was far more terrifying than Jiraiya had anticipated. What worried him was that there was no movement from the teen's form save the soft undulation of the Chakra tails behind him. This was worrying, the boy's body had been transformed far more that anticipated to support the form of the Fox. Jiraiya pondered only two things. Had he made a mistake and let the Nine-Tails free simultaneously killing his students legacy, and what were his odds of survival against the current monstrous form of what could have been his new protégé.

" **Intriguing**." Jiraiya and Gerotora both leapt back as that jagged mouth issued forth caustic steam and hell-born timber. The jaw failed to move yet this did not hinder the Jinchuuriki's speech.

" **We knew that we could achieve this but perhaps Kurama's Chakra is still too unbalanced to maintain this form. His hatred still too potent, his Yang too potent, we seem unable to distinguish one from another as our respective 'Forms' fight or dominance. Truly fascinating to result in an unstable amalgam rather than a cooperative medium of Bijuu and Human. A minor setback, though the physical strain is likely more prevalent. We will shelve this. Version One will be the farthest we go, Version Two is out of the question until further research can be carried out**."

And just like that the cloak sank rapidly back into Naruto's body, leaving him prone in a small crater as visibly burnt out areas of skin regrew over exposed muscle.

Sage and Summon approached cautiously before the older man toed the boy gently. He took the resultant groan as 'Alive but unwell' and sat down beside him.

"You okay"

"…I don't know. I do know that having to regrow every layer of skin and nerves in various places across my body is thoroughly unpleasant."

"So what was that about the Kyuu- I mean Kurama's Yang Chakra you were going on about?"

"Pops split Kurama into Yin and Yang halves when he sealed him in me. He dragged the Yin half into the Shinigami's Stomach. That was Kurama's Mind, his Blueprint, the better part of his personality. The Yang half in me is his Form, his Structure, his Emotions without control. The raw hatred that's embedded within this half of his Chakra is what makes it so caustic. It's his unconscious desire to eradicate all the negativity he senses." Naruto grunted as he sat up, "I can temper his raw Yang Chakra with my own Yin Chakra and while that means only a little bit of my skin burns off instead of most of it, it also means it's my Mind trying to direct his Form but neither are a perfect match. His Yang throws mine out of whack and gives him more dominance there. He has no Yin to challenge my own but mine isn't potent enough to hold full dominion over his Yang. It could work with more balance if we unlocked the Seal fully and synced but my body would disintegrate under that kind of Chakra presence. See every Tailed Beast has their own respective shtick. Shukkaku has Sealing and Magnetism, Matatabi as Hell Fire and Flexibility, Isobu his Coral and obscene Defense, Son Goku his Lava and Physical Strength Enhancement, etcetera etcetera. What most people get wrong is Kurama's. They presume it's Fox Fire and Illusions but only one half of that is correct. Kurama has an insane control over Illusions to the point they're almost a physical thing but right now he doesn't have his Yin half which means that's out. The other side of the coin is his Yang half's potency. And it's not advanced healing or anything mundane like that, it's far scarier and a reason why I have such garbage Chakra control. One, he's incomplete and has nothing to balance the ability and give it proper direction. Two, I can't do it because my Chakra isn't potent enough. Three, the ability itself feeds in on itself making it that much more dangerous to implement."

He was slapped up side the head, "Get to the point brat I ain't got all day for you to talk circles around the topic. Spit it out."

Naruto grumbled at him, why didn't anyone let him be cryptic and shit these days!

He sobered and faced Jiraiya, "Exponentiality. Kurama's ability allows one to increase the potency of whatever they do with his Chakra by a factor of itself. So whatever amount I'm putting into anything, that amount is increased by a factor of itself. Case in point, if I put in one hundred times the amount of Chakra needed for a technique and then leak a bit of Kurama's Chakra into it it'll increase by that factor. It results in something with _ten thousand times_ as powerful as it initially was. However the control just isn't there. I can turn a regular **_Endan_** into something on the scale of a **_Goukakyou_** but without any of the control."

Gerotora dispelled himself promptly, he had a report to make while Jiraiya pondered the boys predicament. He couldn't train up somebody's Chakra control that fast but the kid had a good grasp of his Chakra and even the Kyuu- Kurama's as well. That _mode_ might be enough but not within the time constraints of the Chuunin Exams. He could however get him started…

"We'll tackle that soon. Ponder it while you work through these scrolls. Stay here and work on it, I need to talk to Tsunade I'll be back soon."

Naruto grumbled some more but complied. Honestly, it was a surprise someone like that survived so long.

"I'm sorry what?"

Jiraiya tried to uncover Naruto from where he was buried beneath the sturdy boughs of Konoha Oaks. The result of his attempt at signing the Toad Summoning Contract and something that was entirely unexpected. The blond had slit his thumb and wrote his name. The Hand Signs were done correctly and the blood sacrifice made. Then everything went sideways. There was a 'Poof!' of smoke and then the boy was sent flying through 20 separate tree trunks which were then piled on top of his body with a Water Bullet. Jiraiya barely managed to talk Fukusaku down from torching the whole swathe of forest with a **_Gamayu Endan_**.

"I'm sorry Jiraiya boy but we will not allow _something_ like that to summon us and ours!"

The timber pile exploded into pulp and something black and red made a good attempt to sever the Summon's head from his already short body. Red on Black eyes squinted out of the falling cloud of debris. Naruto's Kagune flowed out into full form. Blade and Spire melding and folding over into a colossal Pincer that swayed menacingly over his head. The arms snapping and a hollow rasp accompanying a brutal stinger slipping out form the juncture from the body of the body of the Head.

"Oi…Jackass, that ain't nice. I ain't no ' _thing_ '. And I definitely ain't gonna take your Kami damn _attitude!_ "

Talented or no Naruto was swatted like a bug. Whatever damage was done was completely ignored and the tail snapped out. The 'bite' missed but the range was close enough for the arms to snap open and eject the hidden spire fast enough to cause a wash of air past Fukusaku's head. Past his head because he had already dodged almost a full thirty seconds ahead. He grabbed both blades, hands coated in potent Chakra to prevent the blades from shearing through his hands. Though he was impressed with the sheer force behind the blow and the make of the biological weapon. He didn't live this long by being soft though. He yanked the Jinchuriki over his head and spiked him into the ground full force. He didn't hesitate to put full force behind his limbs and crush the Pincer within his grip. He watched the tail flail mindlessly, flopping limply to the ground seconds later.

Fukusaku turned to address Jiraiya, which proved to be a fatal mistake when a three clawed hand smashed the old toad into the ground.

The masked face of the Blond glared menacingly from where he was perched on the of the broken earth, upturned and crushed shards or clearing serving as his foot rest. The lower half of his face hidden beneath the black visage of a snarling Oni. Tusks curved out of the corners if his jowls and five Red on Black eyes peered out from the shadows of the horns forcing his bangs away from his face. The horns themselves spiralling out from the edge of his forehead and sweeping up above his head.

" **Fuck off and fuck you shrimp! Who the hell do you think you are to call me anything but my name! Take your self righteousness and choke on it! It's turning out to be real perfect ya deny me as summoner!** " All five eyes narrowed in a bitter sneer, rough grinding of pseudo bone on bone as his mask moved gave the dual tone of his voice a chilling hiss. The 'hands' that arched above his shoulder consisted of three long, clawed 'fingers' each with a hollow hole hidden beneath the extended 'nail'. The outer most portion layered with toughened scales, all cumulating in a spear head where the three 'fingers' connected. Jiraiya watched as the constructs rotated easily on their juncture, leaving the boy with what looked like armored wings.

Fukusaku stood from the crater he'd been mashed into when the 'arm' retracted. And glared. Jiraiya felt a pit of dread form when the Elder Sage's eyes began to be overtaken with gold. He chose then to step between.

"Fukusaku." The Toad spared him a glance. Jiraiya shook his head.

"…Be glad Jiraiya is here child. I would not have suffered your disrespect so lightly otherwise."

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at the toad in annoyance as caustic Chakra began to waft off of Naruto's arms, twin trails of red crept up the length of his tail and wings. Glowing 'eyes' formed just behind the arms of his pincer and acrid smoke began to leak from the holes beneath the claws of his 'arms'.

"Naruto take a walk."

" **You want me to fucking what?** "

Jiraiya glared, hard. When the ground began to tremble beneath the force of his Chakra only then did the boy relent. He briefly turned his gaze back to the diminutive figure of the Toad. His mask split enough for him to spit in the Toad's general direction before he spun on his heel and walked off into the remainder of the forest, his Kagune dissolving and retreating into his body with each angry step he took.

"Good riddance. And you Jiraiya! What made you think we'd let some _thing_ like that be a summoner! His kind _eat_ summon animals! The Chakra rich bodies of our clan are the ideal snack! I'd have more trust in Manda to come to our Mountain, be housed in our Hatchery, and then NOT eat all our potential young! What were you thinking!?"

It was likely the first and only time Jiraiya would ever look at the Toad with such poorly hidden disdain.

"That he was Minato's son and could be trusted to carry on his legacy despite the circumstances of his blood."

"…Oh…"

"I'm just asking you to talk to him! You don't need to for-"

"If you summon him I will leave and do my absolute best to avoid you at every turn. I will pack my crap, borrow Kyuu's Chakra, and haul ass in the direction of the most remote and well protected place I can find. Likely Uzu No Kuni and once I get those Barrier Seals back up, you will be shit out of luck. Read my lips Ero-Sennin. I. Don't. Care."

Kakashi was right about the kid's sneer, "I don't care about his apologies. I don't care about whatever mistakes he made. I don't care if he jumped to conclusions. I don't give a flying fuck if they were Dad's Summon Animal. That old shit and his whole clan can fuck off an all. On my bloodline I swear I will never. NEVER. Sign the Toad Contract and they can fucking deal with it. Their own prejudice brought it on them and I'll have no part in helping them past it. Fuck-You-Sack-Ew or whatever his name is burned that bridge and he can deal with it."

Externally Jiraiya sighed and dropped the subject. Internally he was pulling his hair out. The child of the Prophecy (one delivered by the Sage Gamamaru himself) had flat declined and further refused to acknowledge the Toads. Last he heard Ma was still beating the living shit out of Pa and Gamamaru himself had managed to lift himself from his pool to slap the elder with his cane (though he promptly forgot where he was and then fell asleep). He couldn't be blamed for this though, how the hell was he supposed to know that some Ashura managed to find the Summon's plane and was then responsible for the complete decimation of an entire clan (Rest in Piece Flamingo Summons but then again it wasn't much of a loss) and that had essentially blacklisted all subsequent Ashura from signing contracts?! Who the hell cares about something that happened 400 years ago anyway! Now how was he supposed to teach Naruto about Sage Mo-

"Naruto what are you doing?"

Naruto didn't even afford him a glance and he sped through Hand Signs and bit his thumb.

"You said you reverse summoned yourself to Mt. Myoboku because they were the most attuned Summon for you, right? I'mma do the same. Catch ya in a bit! Pervert!"

"Naruto wait there's no guarantee-!"

" ** _Kuchiyose!_** " * **Poof!** *

"… … … FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

 _Unknown Location_

"Okay, can talk about this like reasonable sentient individuals-" his head was removed from his shoulders. A ' **Poof!** ' of smoke revealed instead a bisected log in place of a corpse. The creature narrowed it's eyes, spinning to find Naruto perched on a branch above it's head. Looking down at the strange creature Naruto wasn't sure what to make of it. It was indefinitely feline. The low rumbling snarl and slit eyes gave that away. The decorative red fur around its eyes extended up to its ears, much like a certain Fox he knew even if this beast's ears were much shorter. It snapped aggressively at him, before roaring, the call of a leopard embedded deeply within the echoing roar. That's where similarities ended. First, its muzzle was far more beak like containing rows of shark like teeth rather than fangs. Second, it had wings. Twin bones extended from the back end of its paw. Wide and covered with blue fur and plated armor, thick hardy membrane stretched between the specialised phalanges. Icing on the cake? The outermost edge if each wing scaled, culminating in a brutal cutting edge. The tail far thicker than any other big cat and all muscle, every twitch rattling the scales hidden beneath the fur. Naruto was well and wary of it already, having almost been bludgeoned to death beneath the force of that spiked club.

This creature…was intelligent, fast, strong, well adapted, and agile. One mistake and he was lunch…a grin spread across his face. From below, all one could make out was the gleam of red eyes, the glow of spreading cracks across his face, and shadowed tendrils bubbling, writhing, branching from behind his back.

The next few instances were the clash of blade on blade. Teeth and claw tried to find purchase in throat and spine. Tails clashed at every turn, lunges traded, high ground to low ground, off the bough of every tree. The frenzied pace of their waltz macabre ended where it started.

One predator met the glare of another… "…Good, weaklings will not be tolerated. We would not accept any normal human meeting the council. Follow and we will see about accepting you as our summoner."

The beast turned on it's heels, beginning it's trek towards parts unknown.

Naruto had yet to pick his jaw up from the forest floor. "Oi! What the hell?! Why couldn't you just lead with that?!"

The Beast spared him a look over it's shoulder, "In this land. In this World, strength determines everything. If you cannot fight for yourself you hold no right to summon us. You have proven strong enough to consider. Come. We will meet the Council, they are already aware of your presence and will be expecting us shortly."

Naruto's features receded beneath his skin, "If the walk is gonna take a while we can always just run you know?"

It was the first time Naruto saw anything but indifference flash in the creatures eyes.

"Are you sure you are capable of keeping pace?"

Naruto smirked in response. Seconds later two shapes were blurring through the trees, a single soundless bound and they were but whispers on the wind.

"So…have a name?"

"Prove yourself to the Council first, and only then will any of us deign to give our names."

The blonde rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath about every prideful talking animal he'd ever met being the same kind of snobbish tsundere across the board.

"Well then mind telling me what you are at least? I'd like to at least know what Clan I'll be the summoner of."

The Creature side eyed him, something other than apathy glimmered in its eyes though from Naruto's bold self confidence or for another reason was unknown.

"I am a Nargacuga. As for the Clan? It is not so limited, you will have many trials ahead to prove you are worthy to summon all, in all our many forms."

Those cryptic words threw the Jinchuuriki for a loop, "Oi, ya make it sound like Nargacugas aren't the _only_ part of the Clan. That's how Summon Clans work right? One Species one Boss? Oi! Don't just keep quiet?! Don't ignore me-ttebayo!"

The Feline let loose a full blown smirk and took off even faster, Naruto's questions drowned by the pace and need for air that couldn't be spared on speech. Mountains loomed ahead of them as they broke through the treeline, its shadow masking that of the figure overhead when it dipped from one cloud to the next.

" ** _…_** ** _Intriguing_** ** _…_** "

"…You're an ass. You could have just told me."

"Now where would the fun be in that?"

They were every where. In forms beyond anything he could have ever imagined. Large, Small, Reptilian, Piscine, Avian, Insectoid, and Amphibious. The cavern he was led into consisted of multiple overlapping outcroppings, dug out of the wall of the hollowed Mountain. It was a colosseum, he realized belatedly, this was the crowd and he the entertainment. He could see an exit that led to Kami knows where, leaving him entirely confident that this was not the entirety of the clan. The power that charged the room though, bleeding off these creatures was a cloying, clamouring cacophony demanding attention. A declaration of strength, a refusal to be ignored. Each one had earned their place here, none would be disrespected

Out of the crowd of hundreds, ten moved forward. The crowd parted in deference for them, a good portion of the overbearing aura that clogged the air moved with every step they took. In more ways than one they shook the world around them with their presence. Watching their approach Naruto took steps to meet them halfway, it wouldn't do to waste their time or sit whimpering like a child. His guide had said it already. Here, only strength mattered. To waver would be to sign his death warrant, he needed to be confident but not stupid. They fanned out in a half circle around him, prompting him to stop ensuring all were within his field of vision. The clamour of the crowd quieted, ensuring that his eyes never left those of the beast in front of him and bowed. Low enough to convey respect but not so much as to immediately imply deference.

He was earning points with them already. Stepping forward was his statement of a challenger, his bow that of one warrior to another and not a weakling to his better. His silence n invitation, for them to size him up as well as take the lead. He brought his own Chakra to bare, letting his own presence raise to match the crowd before steadily increasing it. He let himself hover at about 55% of full burn (lacking control or no, his Chakra pool was monstrous) well above the rabble but not enough to be considered hostility. When he was sure he let the feeling recede.

The foremost of the ten glanced at its brethren, receiving acknowledging looks. Subtle nods were exchanged then it stepped forward, each pad of massive paws echoed in the chamber, claws clicking quietly against he hard rock beneath. Dense muscle covered over by black snake scale flexed with every step. Stark white plating covered heavy paws crested with white fur, sharp but short horns extended above crimson eyes. The horn were mirrored below its jaw, the eerie glow of hell fire seeped from between the armored scaling beneath its neck. A tuft of white fur trailed down to its chest, a mane of it arching down its back between a series of raised spines, flattening as they ran the length of a squat tail terminating in twin plugs. The colossal Lupine looked down at him.

"Welcome…to the New World. Announce yourself."

Naruto took nary a second to respond, he raised his head and took a breath,

" **MY NAME! IS UZUMAKI NARUTO! GENIN OF KONOHA!** "

He watched in amusement as a few on the smaller beings to a step back beneath the force of his bellow.

" **I am the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, one of the few Ashura that walk my plane, I stand before you as a potential summoner and have come to be tested. One of your own has acknowledged that I am capable enough to stand upon my own two feet, but I am capable of much more. What challenge have you for me?** "

"…" It started as a huff, before the creature before him chuckled heartily, "You do not wish to know my name?"

"I was informed that I would come to know them should I be acknowledged by those within this mountain. I'm not here to faff about and waste time. I was informed I would be challenged and if I was found wanting, die."

"Dead men would have no use of our names", the voice airy and feminine came most surprisingly from one of the largest of the group. The great shape of the elephant was complemented by the colossal shield of bone that rested on its brow. Bright red splashes of fur rested on the tips of her indigo fur making short stripes on her flank, spirals over her shoulders, and completely covering her knees. He could just make out brutal spines on the underside of a broad trunk. Titanic feet armored by dense bone plate, scoop shaped tusks extended well off into the air before her.

"You are correct, none of us will deign to name ourselves till you have proven yourself. Your trial will be combat. You may choose your opponent or have one chosen for you. If you win, you will be told of this place, who we are, what we are, and the expectations of our summoner."

The wolf made a sweeping motion with his head, "Choose your opponent. Understand none will step in if you overestimate yourself. You will pass this challenge on your own merit, or you will die and your corpse used to feed the young."

' _So…Do I pick the biggest baddest and go for broke or do I do a proper weigh in, squish the smallest, and end up looking like a pansy?_ '

' ** _Depends. Do you want to do this on your own or do you want me to help? If I were helping we could definitely fight one of these Council Members but would that be cheating?_** '

Naruto Mentally rolled his eyes, ' _I'm a ninja Kurama, if I'm not cheating I'm not trying hard enough. Well how about we-_ '

Naruto's thoughts were cut off when a black, twisted horn gored him through the stomach. His body was smashed into the ground, dragged through the stone, before being swung off and into the walls where he embedded with a rough ' **Crunch** '.

"Thinking through your choice is intelligent, hesitating on the other hand will get you killed. You've taken too long, I shall be your opponent."

The creature redefined 'Monstrous'. Midnight Blue skin made hellbore red eyes stand out all the more. One horn twice the length of the others dripped with the blond's blood while the other was split into two, arching off just in front of its crest. The fingers at its wing's junction dug into the ground, brutally thick legs scraped as it wound up to charge at the hole the boy's body had made, the titanic club of at the end of its tail acting as a counter balance as it took off.

The wolf sighed. "Always so impatient aren't you. Be sure to leave enough whole to feed to-"

The was a rumbling ' **CRASH!** ' and he watched as his fellow council member backflipped thought the air. The great brute slammed into the ground, the full force of his own charge turned against him in one titanic uppercut. One of his extended tusks bounced to a stop at the Lupine beasts feet. He panned back to his compatriot as he made his way to his feet, wobbling from the force of the head shot. The dust that covered his opponent budged and dissipated beneath the force of waving tendrils. Four Black and Red. Four Purple and Glowing. Black and red paired off into two scissor like claws, snapping in agitation, leaving cracked stone and heavy imprints where they slammed into the ground around him. All four of the remaining tendrils slammed together, twisting, folding, writing into a solid club. The thick flexible tail it was attached to half the width of it's wielder, the head twice that size, layered with rows of spikes, interspersed with tooth like protrusions. Five eyes glared, leaving the council rooted in place by sheer trepidation. They hadn't exactly been underestimating him but this was well beyond what he had shown earlier.

"My name, is Shinkuame. Strongest of the Massacre Demons of the Tribe Diablos. Name yourself that I might acknowledge you. Then come, I will show you what true force it."

The blond's shirt exploded as his 'wings' took form, rotating to face 'fingers' forward. A dim glow swelled within them, " ** _My name is Uzumaki Naruto. Forgive my disrespect but I'll be carving that horn off your face._** "

"THEN TRY IT!" All along his body steam began to rise, the red of its eyes grew as the color raced across its skin. Veins of radiant crimson painted branching arms of pseudo 'flames' on his mantle, wings, back, and crawled up the spire of his largest horn. An explosion of super heated water sent the beast rocketing at Naruto. Six **_Renkudan_** blasted out and were completely ignored by the rampaging Massacre Demon. Naruto spun and let the heavy weight of his club tail deflect the charge, what he didn't expect was for the monster to turn on a dime and comeback twice as fast. He leapt well above the beast's charge, the sharpened blades of his claws bouncing right off the tough hid of Shinkuame when he passed beneath.

Naruto watched as a small hop and the rapid spin had the entirety of his opponent vanish beneath the earth. A growing tremor revealed his rapid approach he boy's stationary form. Chakra charged his hands. Naruto chambered his fists and waited. Seconds later a spiralling column of dust rocketed up into the air, the sharp horn tilted towards Naruto and came diving with a veritable avalanche of stone right on his tail.

Naruto flexed his writs, curling his fingers into themselves leaving his palms exposed. He took a single step, and then the hail storm was upon him.

" ** _Seiten Nisshoku_** "

His hands snapped out, twin cannons of rapidly pressurized soundwaves rammed full force into each other dropping into a self perpetuating Toroid. Then they met Shinkuame's dive. The explosion rent the ground apart. Cracks snaked out for meters where the shockwave originated. Naruto skidded and watched as the great Diablos was sent tumbling to the feet of his compatriots, sliding to stop mere feet away from them. A shadow formed near Naruto before a dull thud had the shattered horn of the council member land nary a foot to his right. There was silence as the boy walked up to the council, his appearance returning to stock, horn in his shoulder.

"This victory…Is mine."

The wolf looked down at him, "…" then raised his head, "This day we welcome Uzumaki Naruto as our summoner. He has met out challenge, sustained an injury that would kill a lesser man, and has triumphed over one our strongest. Do any Dare contest this statement?"

There was silence. Before the wolf turned back to Naruto, "Then come. You have much to learn, and perhaps a bit to explain?"

Naruto smirked and hefted the entire weight of Shinkuame on his other shoulder, "Perhaps a bit."

He walked purposely towards the exit his compatriot had nodded at.

"…By the way, what's your name?"

The wolf gave a chuckle, "My name is Mayonaka Sekiei, and I am a Stygian Zinogre. Though if we knew you were this powerful we would have sent you to the Elder Council."

"To the who now?"

More chuckling, "You'll find out."

Amused read eyes traced the form of their new summoner with intrigue from where they perched nearest the ceiling, " ** _Most Intriguing_** ", then they were gone in a shimmer of dust.

 _Jutsu Log:_

 _1.)_ _Seiten: Mabushi Taiyo][Clear Sky: Bright Sun: A modified and non lethal version of Naruto's Sokotsu and arguably one of the most artistic iterations._

 _2.)_ _Kumoryuu][Cloud Style Sword Techniques: Omotegiri (Front Beheading) is a swift slash as straight forward as it's name. Uragiri (Reverse Beheading) is a trickier technique allowing the user to slash at opponents behind them by abusing rotational speed. Rumor has it that those well versed enough can execute this slice without anyone having seen them turn. Mikazukigiri (Crescent Moon Slash) is a wide arching horizontal or vertical slice imbued with power of a full body swing, it can be counted as the antithesis to Uragiri. Damashigiri (Deception Slash) works on the principle of misdirecting your opponent's attention, allowing you to attack unseen from nigh point blank range._

 _3.)_ _Gatsuuga][Tunneling Fang: Signature attack of the Inuzuka clan that turns them into a dervish of frilling steel hard claws. Shame Kiba and Akamaru got ban hammered._

 _4.)_ _Sen'ei Tajashuu][ Many Hidden Shadow Snake Hands: Upgraded form of the standard Hidden Shadow Snake Hands that, you guessed it! Has more snakes to it!_

 _5.)_ _Magen: Hentai Jigoku][Demonic Viewing: Pervert Hell: Kurenai's signature anti-perv genjutsu that makes you see the least attractive person you know doing unspeakable things to even less attractive people. Or animals. Who knows it works off your imagination so the worse your perversion and kinks…well…Good luck is all I'm saying._

 _6.)_ _Kuchiyose][Summoning: If you don't know what this is you haven't watched enough Naruto._

 _7.)_ _Katon: Endan/Goukakyo][Fire Release: Fire Bullet/Grand Fireball: These are self explanatory._

 _8.)_ _Seiten: Nisshoku][Clear Sky: Solar Eclipse: By condensing and focusing the high frequency shockwaves in his plams, Naruto forms a 'hammer' of condensed air by perpetuating the two spinning rings of force into a Toroid (Google it they're awesome!) then launching it at an opponent._

 **A/N: Log help me I can't find the inspiration for this right now -_-) Like I said in previous chapters -I know how I wanted this to start and how I wanted this to end but good Log above this middle bit is annoying. See I have the attention span of a fly and while I'm trying to write this my brain is rapid firing ideas at me about a Fate/Stay Night/Apocrypha/Grand Order/ Unlimited Blade Works fic I had the briefest notion about writing…from last year T-T) Either way I'll be working on this some more and hopefully with greater dedication and progress. I've been thinking about this last bit for a while and hope that the introduction to Naruto's summons will be enough to jumpstart my Muse again… though that might be too mid a shock, maybe a Defibrillator would be more effective? Meh, whatever. Y'all know the drill about Reviews by now but I'll reiterate 'em just in case. Had fun? Tell me. I made a mistake? How did I screw up, where is it, and I'll try to make up for it. Had a cool idea or thought there was something cool I could include? Pitch it my way! I might not include it but some direction really helps when writing these things.**

 **Oh! And before I forget…Monster Hunter belongs to Capcom not me *Maniacal Cackling***


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